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Description: Changbin struggles with being everyone’s cornerstone and finds comfort from unexpected “people.” Based on “Streetlight.”
Warning: implication of suicide
Word Count: 1.4k
It’s raining. Of course it is, Changbin thinks to himself, stepping into the drizzle. Why is nothing wrong, yet everything feels like it is or is going to be?
The man takes on the empty streets, going in and out of the ellipses of yellow casted on the ground by the lights above and hoping to make it back to the dorms before the storm becomes too unbearable. However, it is not the rain that stops him, but his own legs. Worn from hours of standing in the recording booth and even more hours spent perfecting the group’s newest dance, it’s no wonder they can no longer support his weight. At least, that’s how any spectator would explain why he slumps beneath one of the light sources with a tired huff.
More heavy than his legs is the weight in his chest. He can’t exactly explain why he is feeling this way, but he does know that unless he pulls his knees to suppress the sensation immediately, it might actually burst a hole through his ribs and kill him.
‘Is it okay to do this?’ he asks himself as he buries as head in his arms. ‘No one’s here, so I guess I can for right now.’
In that position, being pelted by the rain, he slowly goes through his day in his mind. He woke up at ten when I.N begged to get breakfast together, and he can never say no to the maknae. He got to the company an hour later and found Han pulling his hair out over some lyrics, so he sat down with him and talked until the younger one found a stroke of inspiration from their conversation. He decided to continue the conversation with STAYs on vlive for an hour afterwards. From there, Seungmin asked for his opinion about a cover he recorded, and Hyunjin asked for some advice on his rapping. After that, he shoveled what food he could into his stomach before Chan came by with Han to discuss their next 3RACHA mixtape plans. When that was finished, they all headed to the dance room where they found Lee Know already working up a sweat.
“You can rely on me,” he replied when the main dancer thanked him for the towel Changbin gave him.
“You can rely on me,” he replied when Chan praised him for finishing the line none of them could find a rhyme to.
“You can rely on me,” he replied when Hyunjin shyly popped in the room he and Seungmin were in, asking for help.
“You can rely on me,” he replied when Seungmin stared in amazement at his constructive feedback before the younger one smacked him for his cringy aegyo.
“You can rely on me,” he replied when his fans commented on how much better their awful days got when they received his live notification.
“You can rely on me,” he replied when Jisung needed a back rub between tears of frustration.
“You can rely on me,” he replied when I.N thanked him for picking up the bill.
It was an accomplished day, Changbin must admit. So then, why does he still feel so empty? He is convinced he has gone insane when he turns to look at the streetlight above and talks to it.
“How do you do it?” he asks. “You light the path for people every night without rest, yet nobody ever spares you a second glance. They tape flyers to you, and animals even pee on you, yet you don’t stop shining.”
Changbin looks at a poster stuck to the side of it. “Lost Dog,” it reads. “Please call this number if you catch even a glimpse of her. We’re so worried wondering if she is okay.”
He chuckles dryly at the emojis the sentence is followed by. “Are you okay?” he asks the light.
Of course no response follows. Changbin sighs and turns back to his knees. The rain keeps pelting down on him, and he never felt so small beneath the vastness of the sky. Yet it felt good to feel small. It felt good to feel insignificant, like he can stumble and say all the wrong things and no one would care. It doesn’t make sense to him logically, but the feeling did.
“What about you?”
Changbin looks up sharply at the sound of the voice. There he sees you, dressed in a white gown, barefoot and holding a white umbrella over him.
“What do you mean?” he inquires, squinting his eyes as the rain continued to find its way onto him.
“Are you okay?”
He smiles painfully at his cracked hands. “Nah. You know me. I’m just so weak and afraid all the time.”
You let out a hum and sit beside him. “And what have you been doing about that?”
“Nothing yet,” he shrugs. “I guess I can still take it since I’ve been holding it back just fine so far.”
“It’s slipping in though, isn’t it? The pain and the fear, I mean. To here.” You tap his chest.
“I’m fine,” he insists. “I’m holding it together.”
“You’re talking to me in the middle of the pouring rain while seated on the street,” you laugh. “Who are you trying to fool?”
“Stray Kids.”
“No, that’s not it.”
“STAYs?”
“No.”
“Park Jinyoung pd-nim?”
“What? No.”
“The industry?”
“Changbin.”
The man peels his eyes off of you and cast his gaze to the ground. He’s known the answer all along. He’s known why he’s been feeling like a streetlight all along.
“Myself,” he answers.
You smile at him and stand up, swinging the white umbrella on your shoulder.
“Y/N?” he calls without looking up, not wanting to see you leave again.
“Hm?”
“I needed that,” he says appreciatively.
“You can rely on me.”
He scoffs. From a distance, he hears another voice. Voices in fact.
“Changbin?” “Hyung?” “Oi, Idiot!”
He stands and sees not one but all of his bandmates running up to him.
“What are you thinking?” Seungmin scolds, reaching him first with his long legs. The younger boy thrusts his red umbrella over Changbin, effectively shielding him from the rain.
“Why are you guys here?” he asks, bewildered.
“I called Chan, wondering where you were only to find out you left the company a half hour ago,” Felix answers. “I then texted the group chat, and no one knew where you were, so we all went to look for you thinking something happened!”
“You all looked for me?”
“Of course! We’re a team,” Hyunjin huffs, dizzy from worry.
“We thought you got kidnapped for an alien experiment or something!”
“That was just you, Han.”
“Hyung, you thought he was recruited by a cult of cats,” laughs I.N.
Changbin shifts his eyes to and from each of his member’s teasing and smiling faces, and he feels his heart swell at the sight.
Chan steps forward, drying the rapper’s hair with his own jacket. “Hey, you okay?”
“I--” his voice cracks right as the streetlight from above flickers. “I am now.”
Changbin rips off every bandaid he tried patching up his heart with and begins bawling onto the leader’s shoulder. The latter quickly wraps his arms around him and buries Changin’s head into his shoulder, dropping his umbrella in the process. Gradually, each of the members drop their umbrellas too and join their brothers in a hug. They are getting soaked, but not one of them cares. They embrace the pains of the rain, choosing to use their arms to support one another than their umbrellas.
--
“Hey,” he calls out to you.
The wind is his only response this time, so he sticks one hand in his pocket and looks around the grassy field.
“You really know when to come find me, huh? Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you; I caught quite the flu after sitting in the rain like that,” he laughs. It ends however, on a down note.
“I wish I could have said the things you said to me back then, you know, when you needed them and no one noticed. I guess that’s how you knew what to say to me. Didn’t want me walking down the same path, didcha?”
He kicks at a stray pebble. “I guess what I’m trying to get to is… well, thank you.”
With that, he places the white lilies he has bought for you on the marble slate and walks off the cemetery.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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