#20191017

HQ 191017 MAD 출발

19/10/17 くもり 時々 雨

I had the worst dream last night. Nick posted a picture with a new GF. The thing that made me upset was that this girl looked like trash and nick looked so different too. An attractive hobo look. Anyways, I was furious and super sad all morning/afternoon/ now. 

It is just a dream... why can’t I get over it!!! It was not even real, but it really had me thinking about what if it was real. I always said if nick had a girlfriend I ould be happy for him. But maybe I just really want that girlfriend to be better than me. But I also feel like there is no girlfriend that can be better than me esscially if I improve myself. 

I was lacking when I was with Nick and I can see that now and know how I can improve.

1. Sex drive. I think recognizing that I had a low sex drive compared to him was important and if we discuss it we can do things that make it better. Also, if we live on our own we can do so many new things. 

2. Discussions about money/economics. I feel a lot more equipped to discuss these things with him. I could learn a lot from him and he could learn a lot from me too! 

3. I would appreciate him way more than I did before, because our connection was SO rare. I realize that now. I really still love him and I don’t think I could ever love anyone as much as I love him. 

4. I think it was good that we discussed so many things when we broke up because we can improve on those things. 

Anyways, I really would like to message him. I think it would be best to have the initial message with just. 

“Hi Nick. I think that we should meet to talk. I understand if you don’t want to meet me and if you are completely happy now please carry on. “

actually no. too cold. 

“Nick,  I still think about you and I was hoping that we could talk. If you are completely happy now, I understand if you don’t want to meet. I hope that you are happy now, because that is why we broke up... so we can be our best selves. 

To be completely honest, I found that with you... but hopefully we can talk about that when we meet. I am sorry for messaging you like this. I heard that you live in Saskatchewan now, so we could always meet in the middle? “

is this too strong? although i don’t know how it can not be strong. oof. 

“ Nick,

I am sorry for our break-up. I wanted us to be our best selves and for you to find someone that you can have deep conversations with. 

After our break up, I realized that I was my best self with you. I was happy. You always encouraged me to be better and I took for granted how perfect of a boyfriend you were. Honestly, I did not feel up to par with how well you treated me, but that is probably my low self-esteem. I have realized how I can improve and I have improved on those aspects. For example, I should take your deep talks about movies as a learning opportunity and in the future I can also have long conversations about the most mundane movies with you. 

I constantly think about you. I still care about you and It feels like you are that one person that I will always think about tomorrow, in five years, and in my lifetime. 

To get to the point, I am hoping that we could meet up and talk. If you are completely happy now without me, I get that you probably won’t want to meet. I am also sorry for this message. It took me a while to send it to you because I didn’t want to hurt you, but wouldn’t it be worse if you felt the same way as me and we both didn’t say anything? Anyways, I probably said this enough but I truly am sorry.