#2019.txt

they used to want me to be angry at them. they saw me healing. they wanted me to see reality and what isn't just against me even if it were them.

there is just something WRONG with her. she can't face this loss. I don't know why. she's faced so many things. going home all your life and suddenly you're drowning. i can logic it out a million fucking ways. so you lost your family? you left your home? you lived in purgatory? you never felt safe? and then it was all replaced. another world for a second. but it doesn't make fucking sense, actually. years trickle and replace. what the fuck is wrong with you. the fireflies on the solstice wood trail. begging for help in another language. horribly selfish. I don't think she's capable of being loved. that's why she needs people to meet her on a level of unconditional that will never be met. she has a lot to give, but maybe that's the issue too. locked up in failure. staining the minutes. we're getting no where with this. I didn't cause the fracture. this isn't my fault. I'm electricity in lethal wounds. it's all so fine. the reason I can't get it is I can't see the love, isn't it? I don't even know what that would be like. it just seems so illogical. I just hate her, I guess. because she was so fucking weak because of it. that's not how you love, is it? trying to drag everyone into the light. so safe, drink tea. I don't know how to love though. that's not what I do. I'm the thing that festers. you got a hold of me. I'm sitting on that bus. dandelion lying in the wind, are you kidding? there's a blight beneath their feet. we can analyse this till we are blue in the face. but the truth is I can tally up the facts, but I can't remember or feel it or understand. she just seems like porcelain. counterproductive and disgusting. but I guess it isn't fair. life shouldn't be living sin to sin. I can't comprehend the fact that humans just trust one another. it seems despicable to me. I am not even trying to be antagonistic. she's the one who fought. I'm not a part of her as much as it's all a part of everything. I find this whole exercise silly. she's a lost cause. but the puppeteering of her dna isn't. not a person, not real. huh. her grandmother died. we are always leaving and we are always dying. they want me to have the answers. they want me to help. honestly, they even want me to not help. is it worse if I'm a new form of nothing? is it worse if I'm just like the wind, repurposed in unbelieving disconnection? look at it however you want. I tried man, I don't have the tools to figure it out. I didn't kill any of them. I didn't make those decisions. I literally just possessed the corpse.

there was this terrified child. you really can't underestimate the terror of navigating a world you've never known all alone. its darkness. she just wanted the world to stop spinning. slow down. selfish with her desires radiating off her like disease. you know the farmland is framed by ancient stones? we walk like cattle. she's still stuck there. I don't know what you'd expect. maybe I am a greater power in a way that is demonic. I live in the moss, the algae, the epigenetic rust. you think it's not enough? no where to go. no one fucking cares. land in darkness. we are always leaving. ships or planes or trains or cars. two feet in front of one another. won't you slow down? room painted lavender glow. safe safe safe. tsk tsk tsk. and at what cost? still can't face it. never will. fractured forever would you say? oh but there's love there, oh but how others reframe. the summer night in late june or early july. we're already on the wrong side of the world, aren't we. fuck it up buttercup. you're not thirsting. she was terrified. she wanted me gone. a child can't accept. shattered in the bedroom gone, realising the worst part isn't what's happening but what it ruins. I am a death, I guess. I kill the daylight. I sneak in when they're weak. all in all I don't know what to tell you. this and everything else. it's just a metaphor for unending, fracturing disbelief.

it's too much to remember. phone call pick up. foreboding dread. i couldn't eat already. i wanted to buy the tea she used to have. i can't remember her i can't only remember remembering. bland biscuits go add some honey. talking of the train tracks. better not keep your hair wet. i've been so confused since. right before. everything stopped. and then horrible things happened. i keep bracing. keep bracing. keep bracing.

she didn't die then. no matter it feels. she did not die then. but my grandmother did.

I didn't want to disappear. I was more scared of than nearly anything in the entire world. I had come back to life. I had happiness. I saw so many beautiful things. I wasn't some corpse. I was real. I was so fucking real. but it happened. and it's been so long. that's the scariest part, in some ways. more than everything that's happened in the meantime. the loss, the sexual assault, the constant loneliness and living insecurity. it's just the time. it's every second I didn't get to process. it's heartbreaking. I lost almost a decade of my life. and it's going to go on. I know. and I keep trying to not ever get trapped in situations that perpetuate this, but it's so hard when my awareness is gone, and I am living with 99% of my brain turned off. I don't even need anyone or anything. I just have to be safe and free. or maybe it's more complicated. neurochemical. where is that tenacity to perceive again above all else? It was years of my life in that hell, and I was so scared. I didn't want to go back. and I did. for even longer. is it permanent? is anything?

letting go of control and all it meant then ended up with her holding my hand while I cried and everything split open and I ruined everything I loved in a delay reaction of ruination.

we went to the pet store. i was so afraid of losing her. i wasn't thinking right. i was too much. we went to the pet store. she had so a good time. it slips away too fast.