#2019 reflection

2019 was quite the year! It’s been a huge year in helping me grow both as a person and an artist. I can’t express how much of a joy it was to work as a storyboard artist at Nickelodeon on “Santiago of the Sea” for most of the year. I got to publish comics for the first time and even had a chance to pitch a show and, even though that did not go through, I appreciate the experience. But even more than the career side of things, I’m most thankful for all the people I’ve gotten to work with and the friends I’ve made this year. I’ve gotten to see more of my new home in California and even got to go to Taiwan for the first time to see new extended family! Of course, the year has had some setbacks and I know there are still a lot of things that I need to work on, but I do believe this year was a big year of growth and I hope that the new Roaring Twenties will bring even more. 

It’s been quite a year. A year of huge negatives. I have dealt with an overwhelming amount of stress and self-doubt. It caused me to explode into tears multiple times a week. I convinced myself I was a failure that wasn’t gonna accomplish anything. Because of that, my motivation and, in return, grades took a dive for a couple months. Not to mention, my Aunt’s devastating diagnosis of kidney cancer last month. Given the negatives about this year, I can’t wait for 2019 to be a thing of the past.

Regardless, I won’t forget the bright parts of this year. I ended my high school career and started my first year of college. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone by writing and posting stories, as well as reading stories on twitch streams. I have even started on the road to really taking care of my mental health. Not only that, but I have met so many kind people these last 12 months; people that have improved my life and opened my eyes to new possibilities. Without them, I might not have had the support I needed to survive those couple months of emotional hell. Thank you guys so much! I can’t wait for another year with all of you!

As far as goals, I would have to say mine are to write and stream more, as well as learn to balance my work and mental health. It’s gonna be difficult, but with enough effort and support, I’ll be able to go into 2020 ready to kick my anxiety and doubts in the ass.

Within months, however, everything fell apart. My first teaching job was horrendous and nearly ruined my impression of the profession. I almost changed careers because of how traumatizing my first semester was. Thankfully, I was blessed with an opportunity to teach in a different district and am much happier with the school I’m at now, but the first half of the year was rough, career-wise.

Then, in February, the guy I was dating literally stopped speaking to me. He would leave my texts on read, open my snapchats without responding, and completely stopped reaching out to me. I finally asked him what the hell was going on, and he ended up telling me that he wanted to give me some space to get adjusted to my new job and didn’t want to put the pressure of a long-distance relationship on me. (Which was “good guy” code for: “I’m just not that into you, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings, so I’m acting like I’m doing this for your benefit.”)

Naturally, he began dating someone else almost immediately after and is currently spending New Year’s Eve with her. 🙂🙃 Lucky him.

After my breakup, my gorgeous new apartment became a place of isolation. I didn’t clean for months; my place became dusty and dirty. I’ve gotten better and have slowly begun cleaning again, but I struggle to get out of bed every day.

During the months of March-June, my only happiness was my daily conversations with my prodigal best friend. He was the reason I got through my first semester of teaching. He called me to encourage me and let me vent, and I fell completely in love with him. He knew I was in love with him; he knew that I had been since I met him two years ago. He knew because I told him so, and, even though he told me he couldn’t be with me because of the distance and “timing,” I still persisted. I had faith in him. He checked all of my boxes, and he came into my life at a time when I was praying for a best friend. Finally, in June, I told him I had to know. I had to know if there was ever going to be another chance for us. His answer was the loudest silence I’ve ever heard. We haven’t spoken since June.

He has a serious girlfriend now and seems happy. Good for him.

So basically, in 2019, I’ve lost nearly everything I loved and watched everyone who’s hurt me get to experience the love and happiness that I’ve spent my whole life searching for.

Apparently, I only made 31 original posts throughout the past year so I guess my goal for this year is to create more content.

1). 344 notes - 18 May 2019

“okay, but just think about how different Wings of Fire tribes would stim y’all ...”

[I am so happy that this one is first! I really hope to create more stuff like this, drawings and animation of stimming dragons plus talking about how specific characters might stim plus just mental health in general when it comes to the different tribes.]

2). 99 notes - 02 December 2019

“Well, Zadr made top fifty ships on tumblr this year despite all the hate that some people have for the ship. Congrats! I’d...”

[Surprised that this one is so high but not upset.]

3). 72 notes - 06 December 2019

[Not sure why this is my highest-ranked art piece this year but I won’t complain!]

4). 47 notes - 20 September 2019

[Really happy this one is up here, I’m pretty proud of these designs.]

5). 18 notes - 18 June 2019

[I forgot that I drew this one this year, one of my favorites and happy people like it!]

6). 17 notes - 27 May 2019

[My first time trying my new style and I had a lot of fun with it! I’ve been using this style for animations since it’s simpler and more expressive while sticking with my older one for drawings.]

7). 12 notes - 08 October 2019

“Just watched “Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom” for the first time”

[Why the heck is this one so high up here?]

8). 12 notes - 23 May 2019

[Glad this one was on here since it took me a while and was a learning experience.]

9). 10 notes - 06 December 2019

[Not surprised this WIP is here since the finished piece did so well but I wish this spot went to a finished piece.]

10). 7 notes - 01 July 2019

[I’m happy this one is here! Loved making it.]

Welcome to 2020! To the left you will find Australia on fire, to the right you see USA and Iran on the brink of starting a world war.

Jokes aside, happy new year. I am truly heartbroken for this world and I hope the future we can work together to combat climate change and figure out issues without going to war. That’s another talk for another day though.

In honor of the new year, I wanted to reflect upon my 2019 and the lessons I’ve learned during the past year. Every year I feel a emotional and nostalgic, looking back upon my many memories, hardships, failures, successes, and everything in between. As an emotional, sentimental, crybaby I just can’t help it! 

There are so many lessons I’ve learned in 2019 - some of them I’ve already forgotten and will have to re-learn in 2020, but for the sake of time I’ll narrow it down to some of the most significant lessons I’ve learned this past year.

1. You are the captain of your own life

It might not come as a surprise to others that you are the sole person in charge of your own life. Shocker right? I’ve always subconsciously known this, but I think there comes a point where all the cliche quotes and things we are told throughout our life truly click and we have that “a-ha” moment where we realize the true significance of that quote. 

I’m 22, so it feels late to be learning this message, but I’ll be honest it seems like so many others still have not learned! 

Here’s the easiest example I can think of. I follow this girl Lexie Alford (Lexie Limitless). She’s the youngest person to travel to every country. Naturally, as a wanderlust, adventure-seeking, travel junkie I am interested in her content. One thing I noticed is all the hate she gets. Seriously! Comments pointing out her privilege, demeaning her achievements for various reasons, and just hating on her. The thing these haters don’t realize is that she made these things happen. 

In life, we’re given different starting points, different advantages and disadvantages, but at the end of the day you have to make things happen. The girl had some sort of privilege to start with, but she was the one who worked hard and made her dream of traveling to every country a reality. 

It’s not about wanting something. It’s about doing everything possible to make your dream a reality.

Which brings me to the next point,

2. Work hard and the success will follow

Have you ever gotten into a situation and thought ‘I’m not supposed to be here!’ I am a graduate student, and so often last semester I felt this uneasiness and pure imposter syndrome. I constantly felt like all the other students were much smarter, worked harder, and were just above me in terms of academics. In short I felt that I shouldn’t have been accepted into grad school. Which is crazy! For awhile I just thought it was just “good luck”. 

In life, there are many things that happen by chance or “luck”, if you wish. That’s just how life is. C’est la vie! 

But something I realized this year is that you don’t get by in life with just luck alone. Of course there is always an exception to the rule, but for now we are all the rule.

Famous artists (singers, actors, musicians, etc.) for example; is it that they’re talented or is it that they were lucky? Of course, there are plenty of talented people out here who can sing, dance, play an instrument, and so much more. The world is filled with talented people! I used to argue that those who are famous (some) just happened to get lucky playing their cards right. And that’s partially true. But they also deserve all the fame, because they worked hard.

These people may have sacrificed many things, courageously and blindly chased their dream until it was a reality, got up after every failure, and continued to persevere until they reached some point. It’s no “accident”.

And that’s something I remind myself of when I find myself in situations where I feel inadequate - that I’m meant to be here! 

And finally,

3. Take care of yourself

Who would’ve thought - eating healthy, exercising regularly, sleeping the suggested amount, drinking water, and socializing with others would have any effect on your mental and physical well being? What a weird world that doctors were right. 

No, but actually I’m realizing I can’t treat my body like crap anymore! I just can’t eat junk food the way I used to without facing repercussions. 

I don’t have any long explanation or backstory here, but eat your fruits and vegetables, hydrate, exercise... just take care of yourself! Your body will thank you and you will feel so much better.

There’s so many more lessons and “wisdom” I’d love to share, but for the sake fo time and because I want to make myself something to eat now, I’ll leave it at that :) 

tl;dr - 2019 fucked me up, but here’s to hoping that 2020 will finally be my year. heavy stuff -- proceed with caution

Four days into 2020, and I have only now been able to put my thoughts together to reflect upon 2019.

2019 was the year that brought me much deeper down than it brought me up. It was the year that I longed for the end before it was even halfway over. But it was also the year that I grew the most, learned the most, and loved the most.

(skip to bottom if you don’t want to read the detailed description of how 2019 fucked with me)

This year started off with my last semester at Berkeley. I knew from the semester before that I had clinical depression, but I had it under control. Shortly after the semester started, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, and I quickly realized that I did not have anything under control. When I found out, I cried for a week. A month, really. At first, it wasn’t because I thought I would lose her. It was because it was the first time I heard so much fear and uncertainty in her voice. It was because my mother had worked so fucking hard her entire life, and for her to be punished like this was unthinkable. I held onto my faith because it was the only thing I could do, but I also hated God for having let this happen. My mom was and is my world, and my world was shaking.

But what could I do? All I could think of from February onward was that I needed to do enough to graduate from college and go back home. I hated myself for having gone to school so far from home, so far from my mom, whose vulnerabilities only became clearer when I left for my freshman year of college.

Who knew that just doing enough to graduate would be so fucking hard? School was busy, and life was busy, but I spent 4 years with some amazing friends, and I spent April having some unforgettable lasts with the same friends who I had my unforgettable firsts. And lo and behold, I graduated from UC Berkeley!

I came back home in May and accompanied my mom to weekly chemotherapy sessions. I watched her in fatigue, pain, and overall constant discomfort. I cried when I was alone, and put on a smile when I was with her. I went on tinder date after hinge date to take my mind off things. It was fun, but nothing was promising. I already wanted the year to end.

In August, I joined my church young adult group and met some great people (some I liked more than others). My mom had her total mastectomy and lumpectomy, and the surgery went well. I spent the rest of August putting in job applications and taking care of my mom. At the end of August, I agreed to temporarily work for my parents full-time for the busy season. I took control of the college counseling program, which was always a headache for my mom. 

September was a month filled with 눈치밥, dressing more professionally and speaking more professionally so no one could say that I was taking advantage of my parents’ position. I worked overtime and at home to make sure that everything got done when it had to get done so no one would have reason to reprimand me, because we all knew how uncomfortable that situation would be.

In October, work only got busier. I was Jaehee the college counseling coordinator, photographer, in-house tech consultant, in-house graphic designer, handbook-writer, and many more. Church got busier as I inadvertently took on more roles. Life got busier as I started dating someone I had no feelings for and taking my mom to radiation treatments every day for 5 weeks. From the outside, it seemed like I had my life together. I was working out almost every day, dieting and losing weight, dating, working hard, and had a church life. But on the inside, I knew I was just going through the motions.

I quickly put an end to dating. I also found out that he was 재활용 불가능한 쓰레기 and a borderline sociopath. Anger took over most of my days, and I became more unstable. I was angry at him, at myself, and at the church group I was in. Nothing could quell my anger but time and work. Work was busier than ever in November, with early action/decision deadlines and BCA prep, and more stressful than ever, with parents breathing down my neck and looking to take advantage of me at any chance they got. It’s safe to say that my anger quickly became insignificant compared to what I had immediately in front of me.

December was an insanely busy month. I had church events left and right, and I again had too many roles. I was working overtime every day, juggling my mom’s hospital appointments, and submitting job applications. In the week before Christmas, I got into two car accidents (I was at fault for the latter one), and I went into mental breakdown. I spent the last week of the year submitting college applications with students and preparing students for their BCA exams.

(end of detailed description)

2019 was not my year. But that doesn’t change the fact that it made me who I am as I start the new year.

Some lessons I learned:

True fear is not something you can get over by jumping out of a plane with a parachute or jumping off a ledge with a bungee cord. True fear is feeling the ground that was so solid and firm under your feet suddenly shake violently. It is being uncertain about things that you have been certain about all of your life. It is not being able to trust yourself with any decision, any opinion, or any emotion. Sometimes, true fear is not having nightmares that wake you up, but having nightmares that don’t let you sleep in the first place.

The only way to get over fear is to confront it and to take control of it (at least for me), and then deal with the consequences. I need to take (educated) risks, and be comfortable with where that may take me.

운전 조심, 남자 조심. It’s so easy to read someone incorrectly, and it is just as easy to read your own emotions incorrectly. When times are rough, the place to look isn’t new romantic love, but tried-and-true love.

I need to stop overloading my plate, and I need to say no.

I need to stop cutting the people in my life slack. If they disappoint me time and time again, I need to reevaluate that relationship.

Even at the most physically, emotionally, and mentally vulnerable point in her life, my mom is the strongest person I know. She will always be my world.

Don’t get me wrong; 2019 wasn’t all bad. I met some amazing people at work and at church who I really hope stay in my life for a very very long time. I made some lasting friendships with unlikely people, and I strengthened the friendships I have with the ones I know have my back. Although I won’t be working there for much longer, I made some instrumental and highly necessary changes in the way things are done at work, and I fulfilled my goal of making my mom’s life easier in all ways that I can (although I probably made it harder in some areas too). I have relationships that I want to deepen in 2020, and goals to fulfill.