#2.22.18

"Elegance"

Dude I was SO miserable and just hating on myself and I just took a 30 min nap I feel so much better

Hey guys, I'm gunna rant. There’s a few things wrong, so I guess I’m gunna number my paragraphs?

1. Food anxiety and misunderstanding with S

So a few weeks ago, my therapist and I decided on a goal for me to expose myself to some of my irrational anxieties around food. The plan was for me to cook chicken with someone who could help show me the normal way to cut up chicken as I am normally quite obsessive about trimming every possible speck of fat off of the chicken. To the point where a lot of the good meat is wasted.

Anyways, I asked S if he would help me with this, and he said of course. So, a couple weeks passed, and we haven’t done it yet, so earlier this week I brought it up again and asked if we could make a legitimate plan and do it this weekend. He was like yeah lets do it, and asked what I wanted to make. (AHH) I had/have no clue about that, so I told him he could come up with a few ideas and I’d pick from them. He was like, sure.

So Tuesday he suggested soup as a joke, bcos I am adamant about hating soup (the way my mom makes it has no nutritional sustenance and she insists its a full meal and I know if I agree to that my ED will have its way in many ways so I’ve just sorta developed a general stance of NO against soup even though in reality there are thicker soups with value). So, then later he suggested soup in seriousness. The soup he suggested is more nutritionally dense, but I was just like, babe come on, really?? In reality, I should probably be a little more flexible about this, but I don’t want soup..

Now, this morning, he met me in a coffee shop for lunch after his morning classes, and at one point he says to me “I came up with another idea for dinner Saturday!” and I was like “okay?” and he suggests lobster. (the whole point is to expose me to cooking chicken in a normal way) So, I tried to explain this to him, and he seemed sorta disappointed, but he didn’t say that he was. He asked, “okay how do you want to cook it?” and I told him “the normal way cos I don’t know whats normal” and he said “well anything from no fat at all to a significant amount is normal” and ughhhh I felt like he wasn’t getting it at all. I got really anxious and sorta started dissociating around then, and he didn’t really do anything, just sat there. I’m not sure what all was said. It was friendly, not argumentative. At one point I was like “so okay ur saying there’s a range of normal but I can’t comprehend that bcos then i start thinking that me obsessively removing all the fat is normal and I know it’s not, so for the point of this can you just make up an arbitrary ‘normal’?” and he agreed to that and seemed to finally understand. but then he was sorta quiet and not really paying attention to me (his phone) so I asked him if he was annoyed and he said no. then when we were walking to class I was like “if you don’t want to help me with my anxiety thing and you’d rather just make a meal that’s okay I can get lucy (sister) to help me with that and we can just make a meal” and he was like “let’s not talk about this right now” SO IDK WHAT THAT MEANS

2. Test and general anxiety

I’m getting tired of typing so I’m gunna make this alot shorter now. In class just now, we just reviewed our test the whole time. I realized I knew how to do all the problems and the only reason I did poorly is cos anxiety is a bitch. I qualify for extended time/quiet space for tests, but I’m too anxious about going to the testing services place to actually get it *roll eyes*

In the middle of class I dropped my water bottle on the ground and the lid broke. AGAIN. this is the second lid I’ve broken, and my water is gunna leak now. Also it was embarrassing and I dropped a pen like 4 different times. normally i wouldn’t care but today I acutely care and I hate myself right now ugh. but not rlly cos of the pens. 

I’m super tired and S is swimming right now. I wish i could be swimming with him...or sitting with him. Idk I just feel crappy af and I think I’m gunna nap now. I’ve got class at 4 and its 3 rn. 

I picked at my face a little yesterday, and I looked cute enough this morning , but either my makeup all rubbed off or my self perception just SUCKS ass, bcos when I see my reflection I look ugly af. ALSO, it’s possible I’m cute when I”m happy and ugly when I’m anxious and sad. 

I’m just gunna nap and maybe cry now. Rant over.. for now.