ethereal -- heavenly
Too much happened to keep track; head is going around in circles trying to remember the string of mistakes and redemption and a gratitude for these very mistakes of "clumsiness" that, at 19, I still have to atone for b/c for some reason my short fingers and my frazzled brain loves to drop and crash things however fragile or not. A greater grasp on impulses, or a greater attempt at remembering the details of color versus white laundry and how for color you're supposed to hang the clothes after you let them tumble in the dryer just for three minutes but I apologize for fucking forgetting and only remembering how back in the LA home all I remembered was the dryer scene but not the hanging them in our house scene and well a shirt got ruined but whatever. Better than me leaving my laptop in my Philosophy class and God saving my panicked butt as a drop of anxiety and memory stirred enough in me to feel a nausea of the truth I did not want to approach. Why I had to run to fetch a laptop in my class that God saved through my gracious professor when a CA tornado was raging outside my windows is hard to say, and foolish to admit the truth of. It's too stupid to put into words and it's worse than that one winter night I had to commute to Ktown from Burbank as usual and I left my laptop in the spot just below my work computer and I ran up at the exact moment that the bus came and so upon reaching a desolate area I waited alone. I froze and numbed my fingers and annoyed the hell out of my chattering teeth for another 47 minutes before a Commuter finally hauled me away to NoHo station and I was one stop closer to finally reaching my warm nest called Home. But while I felt more grace this time around and certainly got home a lot quicker - in just a 15 min walk - I felt a lot worse this time b/c, as I gravely suspected, that was the tip of the iceberg. The laundry wasn't even the worst of it. Or the ranting that I forgot to enclose into just my brain that made my sister a little bit annoyed and unsettled b/c even I'm aware of the self-destructive tendencies that casually seep into my head like little seeds, awaiting their future growth. I easily think of spilling my literal guts into the toilet or drinking wine like water or stopping breath if only to escape another mistake that is constantly dotting the timeline of my life. And not just a damn mistake, b/c sometimes shit happens and it's not your fault and you did the best you can. But no, if you ruin any and all beginning pictures of restoration and healing and a still tentative portrait of a more mature, wiser and thorough You by your own hands every time you fail to be careful of yourself and your own tendencies that you keep forgetting and getting pricked from on your fingers - well that's on you. And no one's going to wait for you forever, not even yourself. Though it seems I can control this damaging mentality of "every mistake is the last straw on the camel's back" I only wish I can shut that voice up and crash down the tower of recorded mistakes not yet forgiven in my head. After all, based on my own outlook it can be a sand castle or a stone tower that I'll have to someday (or never?) knock down. Yes I'm human but I'm also growing sick. But God tells me that we were made for eternal purposes. Such a contrast to my recent tendencies of seeking earthly refuge and coming around to God a bit slower still b/c too much bitterness blinds me from the better purpose that I still struggle to believe in, in this life I live and breathe in. Really, all I could do is eat. So despite it being past 8:30 at night I cracked an egg and scrambled the yolk, fried some frozen dumplings in oil and water, sprinkled some fried seaweed on my rice and enjoyed myself - and even managed to peel some oranges. I don't like to force-feed but sometimes waiting until I come around does take too much ticks of the clock. Time keeps going after all - a greater sign of eternity than humans seem to be, especially during such a time of political and military turmoil. We are eternal beings. And... Maybe that's the only point to really make. But how to keep reminding myself to look up and keep looking up from the maze towards the bright skies that promise a greater reward for even the smallest of struggles?
