#18bday

happy birthday to me! I've becometh an adult.

i’m kind of over it now, because it’s done, there’s nothing you can do to prevent the passage of time.

instead of being upset about it, i’ve been trying to compensate for the things that made me scared in the first place.

i never really got a chance to be 12 or 13. i honestly barely remember those years. it wasn’t a ‘time where i was forced to grow up early’ or any of that, but it was a time where i had to deal with a lot more than i would have liked to deal with. a time when i was suddenly faced with the reality of my life- barriers i’ll have to continuously face, challenges i’d revisit again and again. 11, 12 and 13 was kind of just the time when mental illness started kicking me in the ass, and it was all too unfamiliar back then. i didn’t understand it.

because i don’t remember it all, i’ve been trying to find as many photos, videos, any sort of memorabilia that i can that’s saved on old devices or whatnot. i never really bothered to investigate it all because i was too focused on moving forward and putting things in the past, and it still didn’t feel like that ‘past’ was too far away. i still felt like i was partially the same person. now that i’m a little bit older, i feel like an entirely different person from 13-year-old me. instead of regretting her, i pity her. i feel like i owe her whatever i can give. keeping her memory alive as best as i can is one of those things. i don’t want to bury the pictures, i’ll keep them in a personal brain-locket. it really is strange though- looking at recorded memories that you know are your own, but you can’t remember making them, and can’t remember what it was like.

i’m not sure if this moment in my life is really all that deep or difficult, it’s kind of just my usual shitty challenge, but it feels like a discovery time. i’ve been trying to heal from my past- put back what was taken from me, and i’ve also been trying to figure out who i am now.