#189th

2016 

Belmont & 189th 

I thought after crying so hard to the point of suffocating with breathless cough like last night I will be fine, but then here I am again, trying to do some self-therapy to cope myself with the new pain and trauma.

Mom is brilliant huh? lol Telling her the story, she just said "Vo tu di, co luc phai 'dien' nhu the", and asking her what to do now, she answered "Khong hat nua, di nau an vay ^_^" then giving an obscure question "Xem xem chung no co cai nhau khong?" and then saying good bye "Dad has to work, so I am out now, bye" lol ...She is such a mother isn't she? Exactly that is the everything that built up your inner screaming yesterday night, beause of her bringing up, which was 'SHIT' you were then being made fun of, and being hurt because of being made fun of then keeping all inside until one day everything just exploded non-stop.... No one to reach, reaching Mom and THAT was the result, ah lol I am sorry but you are, indeed, really pitiful lol but I guess just keep laughing at yourself and you will get stronger ;) lol isn't just .... oh well.. the only thing you could do to move on with everything actually? lol

Lol it fucking hurts lol but I guess "what doesn't kill you make you stronger" you heart will be hardened and you will not break. So I guess, just suffer this pain and all these suffocating thoughts and feelings to the next point, next stage, when I will finally be okay. Nothing could last, so trust that this suffocating could not hold for long.

It pained me seeing you cry yesterday, it was so suffocating, and the fact that you tried to cry and scream in silence as housemates were still staying up in the kitchen, ..*sigh* always being suppressed no matter what huh, that kind of social body is really something being fucking imprisoned and tied down.

Making me imagine the moment, when I stand on the top of a mountain looking out the mountainous and scenery views around under the big sky and surrounded by nature, then I just scream and cry out loud with all my heart content, like being a center of the world and just cry without any fucking suppression, just scream out oud to the highest sensation that is for long being imprisoned .... that would be the most comfortable thing in the world, to really free from physical restraints and just act feelings out...

(Sigh)... after all you still come back here, after all we are still alone in this world aren't we, because it hurts so much that we need a place to retreat, because it reaches our limits and so we need to come back to the beginning, to our sanctuary, to here, so that we could be recharged and powered up again, to come out again and face what is leaving unsettled.... What are you going to do dear? Remaingin a clown, a joker and being hurt till you get stronger day by day? Or say it out loud hoping for an understanding and better relationship?

It's only two months left, I am already the Joke for the past 3 years, why bother changing? After all the Joker is the most courageous one, because he dared to sacrifice his Ego and faced all the laughters WITH A SMILE, why not just be the strongest and bravest, because by doing so nothing can beat you or stop you moving further and further, you will just get stronger and become the most undefeatable warrior in this battlefield, I belive harsh things just train you to become better, besides, I consider myself a 'masochist' so I don't mind receiving pains lol

Fuck yeah lol You should write the story about the Joke I think it would be really great just like the story about 'Emptyness'.

Yeah! I am gonna finish that this weekend!!!! ^_^

Fight-o! Okay! No pain no gain. No pain no gain ;) As the weakest, you need suffers the most to be the strongest anyway.

I know, I also know I always learn things in a hard way, very hard and painful way, but that means I will come out stronger and more powerful than others, and also more experienced with emotions and thoughts so that next time I will know how to deal things better or how to get over it faster as well as better ;) I can do everything I can. So I will live my life just great and fine ;)

That's the spirit! :) You will succeed! With that great soul, you will definitely triumph no matter what, just focus on studying, at the end of this last year, great things and surprises are surely waiting for you! :)

Can't wait! I'm so excited about Future lol