#18.7.26

We have not been feeling good that day!!! One thing that made us feel very upset is we heard that someone we knew started medication for their mental problems - although we are glad for them it seems that everyone around us is getting help so easily while no one is helping us. People around us with less mental disorders, who havent been hospitalised (though I dont want to diminish their problems, they still suffer) seem to have so much of an easier time with the mental health system, one of our friends got assessed and medicated and therapy for ADHD within a few weeks, while it seems no one can help us. We only get given the numbers to hotlines that we’ve already called so many times and stupid advice. I remember once being hospitalised and they told me to sleep better and have a nighttime routine what the hell. It doesnt make any sense!! Are we not mentally ill enough helloooo i share a brain with 8 people (and one of them kind of wants to kill me except not really they are just a scared child) and have super mega trauma and super mega hallucinations and possibly a personality disorder helloooooooo why are we not being treated????? Why are people with just depression or ADHD being treated and medicated over me the fuck???????? And we cant really be honest about things like suicide or self harm because then i go to horrible place that feels worse and ALSO did we mention that because we are filipino the whole hospital (not exaggeration) knows me so itll be humiliating asf and my family will probably be mad that their reputation is ruined or whatever. This is just like being tortured until i go insane then being tortured for being insane

Anyways

- Started farming for dps ifa team. Why is there so many resources needed

- We also made a nutella pastry it was undercooked but 🧘‍♂️okay

- Did some piano practice but it feels like we are going nowhere we are so cooked for next lesson oh no we have the fucking piano exam soon nooooooo

- Watched the football it was lowkey good

- In fl studio again. We are struggling so much with music production, most of us hate our voice, and to many of us nothing actually sounds good. We want to make music so badly but oh god we are dogshit at it. There is no emoji that adequately expresses our suffering

- I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM OH MY GOD FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

I need to shower. Holy shit we’ve been having dreams about Genshin Impact we need to go outside wow we are such chuds