#17.06.17

I outed myself to so many people over the course of this weekend (looking for rooms because I’ll move into the city I’ll go to uni in) … Mostly ok reactions, and one time I actually really liked what I heard, when one guy was like ‘wow rly cool that you’re so open with that’ and one girl was like ‘yeeah but actually it’s shitty that she has to?’ and (internally) I’m like YES IT IS! Yes it really fucking is, I don’t like ‘outing’ myself at all because I think it shouldn’t be a thing I need to tell people as if it were something weird and because it’s none of your bloody business and when looking for flats or when meeting new potential friends or whatever I still need to do it because especially with the flat thingy it would be shitty to move in and then find out they’re homophobic and have a war or whatever and have to move again, and in general it’s shitty to get invested only to get hurt… And it’s such a struggle, honestly, to try and make me being ‘into women’ into the conversation (that’s what I always say to avoid the pansexual discussion and to not feel like not saying the truth by going with lesbian), trying to find the right moment where it doesn’t sound completely forced, but also not forgetting to say it at all, and while always keeping it at the back of your mind also not loosing track of the conversation, and then watching their reactions, and while I might seem relaxed to the straight people I come out to, believe me I’m trying so hard to look cool and make it look nonchalant and hope that it won’t be the only thing you’ll remember about me and just- it’s such a struggle, even without meeting homophobes, just constant vigilance and always being afraid of the moment you do meet someone who is.

While waiting for the bridal party to arrive by bus, guests, including Radio 1 DJ Nick Grimshaw, One Direction bandmates Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson, and Clash bassist Paul Simonon enjoyed champagne in the gardens.