I will say rn, that
In Ptolomey's gate the one scene that ACTUALLY makes me cry is, strangely, not Nathanial's death. I mean it DOES make me cry but not much, and not really. The one that does (and it has, twice, in the last 5 days) is the scene where he goes and re-meets with Ms. Lutyens. I Don't know but that scene is so painfully heart wrenching to me, my heart hurts for this boy. It HURTS.
I think it's the fact she is the one thing he has that is solely from his childhood, the one person left who he feels had and could love him/like him to some degree. And then he goes to thank her for it, and to see her again and FEEL SOMETHING that isn't connected to the mess and bullshittery that is his current life, and she rejects him. She DOES. She tells him "I never had anything to do with YOU. Not with John Mandrake" and it's the realization that she doesn't accept him anymore, she doesn't LIKE HIM (love him) anymore. And that no one in the world does.
That fucking last line from her when he tries to explain once again: "I wanted to say that I know you were trying to save me and-"
'"Yeah" she said. "And I'm sorry I didn't. Good-bye, Mr. Mandrake"'
FUCK. FUCK.
Anyways I am perpetually sad and I too am sorry Ms. Lutyens couldn't be there to save him. Because he needs it, to the very last moment. And kitty half did but they barely had that connection, she was a recent relationship. And Bartimaeus could have but their relationship is too complicated and he is his Slave and he can't be there all the time and he, frankly, doesn't care enough when he is around to put much effort in it because the resentment still burns, even if Bartimaeus somewhat likes/loves him and so there was no one.
AHHHH I'm making myself depressed over Nathaniel again FUCK. Goodbye lol.















