various drawings of the creatures from 2017-2020

Dear Jonghyun,

I have cried and mourn for you for two days straight now. It has been two days since they declared your suicidal death.

At first, I was just saddened to know it was suicide. When tweets gone viral and there are videos of you crying on a concert, your last message to your fans, your last solo concert and even your last live on instagram... I've gone more curious, too.

I was never a fan of you, Jonghyun. I've never watched any SHINee video nor song before. I just knew your band because of Minho in Hwarang. And I've just seen it twice in an article (that Miinho's part of SHINee, that's all).

I searched more info of you, cried all over again with your absurd clips and funny moments. I was never your fan.

Back to my curiosity, I searched more of you. Your lovelife, and your songs... It was then when I noticed a video flashed a familiar song lyrics: "So goodbye, don't cry and smile..." ---one of City Hunter's OSTs

City Hunter was the first and only Korean series I faithfully watched in an Internet Cafe. I've spent hundreds for an hourly rent for weeks to finish it (I do not have my own laptop and IP back then, I was just a poor junior high student who failed Grade 9; yes, this was exactly the time when everyone left me, *right after my several suicidal attempts. Hello wristcuts*... the time when my allowance per day is only 30php and I still have to keep an amount for the cafe's rent). The only Korean series I claimed to be the only one that made me cry sooo hard. It was every episode that always makes my eyes bubbled. It even saddened me to end the series.

When I had the opportunity to download my favorite OSTs first quarter of this year, I included "So Goodbye". I have your song in my playlist... all this time. I used to cry and to burst my feelings whenever I'm down or I have to let go of an opportunity or someone special with your song on the background. I can easily open my feelings out with your song because again, City Hunter was the first Korean series that made me cry every episode.

So this was the reason I got curious then... you were actually a part of me since then. Your song made me live, Jonghyun. Because of your song I was able to pour my deepest heartache and worldy pain. I'm so sorry it was late for me to follow you on Twitter and IG, I'm so sorry if it was late for me to listen to your other songs, I'm so sorry you had to go feel the pain this long and this far... And eventhough I would like to ask you "did you ever think of how are going to handle your loss?" but instead I will continue to pray for your soul, may your sorrow and pain be lifted in heaven... may you be with Jesus rejoicing and singing.

You didn't do anything wrong... your good bye is an awakening call to us. We understand you and we love you so much. Your songs will forever be in our hearts. And Lord willing, if I will be able to visit South Korea soon... I will visit your grave. For now, I will just give you a tight hug on my dream and will tell you, "you did well" while crying.

Thank you, Jonghyun. Thank you so much...

Love,