Zoetdahl ♥

Should we stop walking because we don’t know where we are heading? Or should we just enjoy every step and figure out what we really want in the end of the day?

One for the road, indeed.

Cried over an unexpected “I Miss You” from mf. 

He suddenly said he wanna go to Japan 2 years from now. And while I was tryna shift the topic he said that he misses me. And that he’ll just wait for me. And I can’t reply because I’m crying my heart out already. Praying a thanksgiving and a surrendered heart to Jesus. 

Idk how many times I have set you free, surrendered you to God, cried my heart out, and promised to stop.

Now we are here.

Out in the public, to your parents, and to my parents. At 26.

2010-2022, 12 long years.

We are hurting “people” in this process. Are we comfortable? Are we happy? Are we xoxo? Are we just “chill”? Where are we going?

That’s for you.

This one is for me. To my future self.

to finally set you free, and make sure that i am no longer holding you in my hands. not because i dont care about you but because i surrender you to God already

i am no longer taking in control of you, you are no longer my responsibility

i will be wise with my language, with my emotions

to quickly rebuke whenever i wanna pity myself and cry because you’re gone, no.

i am done with this journey, i have won this already with the Lord

the next time i will see you, i will look you in the eyes and say, “You will be a ripe fruit, someone will be with you as you walk. you will meet Jesus and you will accept him

Aki, I am letting you have your journey. 

I don’t think it hurts because I see myself as a failure. That again I wasn’t enough? just being there?

I know it is a big deal not being physically there. And I do not want to say that I’m JUST not there for a season, I do not want to hope that I am and will be 100% be back for him, for that journey.

I don’t think I can. THAT? I must accept.

This is what I’m talking about when I said “I’ll mess up again”, sleepless nights and empty unproductive days---just thinking about you and our what if’s. Kapoya na ani oy.

I knew we reached the limit already but I can’t help and get hurt. Ngano we didn’t collide like how we expected? How did we “visualize” each other pala? Why didn’t we meet in the middle?

How did things change?

Since when did I not love your corny little things? Since when nimo wala na-realize nga you haven’t asked me one single /kumusta yet/?

You could’ve gave me peace and assurance every time I am panicking with your late replies. You could’ve sent me million messages if di ko mureply nimo. I mean you did. You have tried.

It was not just enough for me to calm down, to be satisfied, to trust, and not to doubt your intentions. 

And it was heartbreaking to ask for more from you, knowing nga i myself has lapses too. I am soooo far away. And can’t even provide you what you needed.

No one else knew the whole story of what is currently happening because I’m damn scared, damn tired of what other will people tell me. Tayo lang ang nakakaalam.

You always come out of my mouth. Always. And it doesnt turn out all-good all the time. Truths slipped through my tongue. And they listen to that. Ako, I let it pass.

I believe in you but I doubt you at the same time. Again, this time... I wanna rush everything and I am asking for more again. I know I just need an assurance from you. And you’re trying to give it naman. Its just not enough for me. And I wanna be sorry for that, but I am not. I think I deserve what I am asking.

One, some other human is hurting.

Two, I dont want to be in the same boat with that other human.

Three, you are so torn and is so coward to choose. You wanna be sure, too.

11 years running ang chapter na ito sa buhay ko. And as tiring as it seems, indeed the end is here. 

I have always compared the “pain” level October 21, 2011 gave me. Even though it all started in July 23, 2010. One whole decade of cycle, paulit-ulit na flashback ng sakit, ng self pity. Ilang beses ko na din itong isinurrender sa Panginoon, ilang beses na ako’ng nagsabing tapos na. Pero isang araw, “ikaw pa din pala”.

It was all in the past

but we have considered each other “andyan ka lang” (until “wala ka na pala”). We didn’t know anything new sa isa’t-isa, hindi natin nakilala kung sino ka na or kung sino na ako through out the years. We didn’t get the chance because I was damn scared. I was scared that you might not be enough for me. I have always thought you wouldn’t be. I have always wanted and asked for more. And I did not trust you, I didn’t believe that you can.

Then, you asked me to give you more. You asked me to believe you because there’s nothing else you wanna do but me, That I am your only hope. And you wouldn’t want anything else but the same love I have once given you. You have always thought that it didn’t change. You have always considered me your home. It was your pride that you were just the only one.

You weren’t. I’ve been through a lot. It’s just that, I always run back to you. Not everyday, but I still think about the same heart break. And thought that that pain is true love.

Let’s say that what’s breaking my heart big time now is your recent, “I will wait for you” and “I will tell you whenever I can no longer wait”. It’s that we tried again, and failed --that is heart breaking.

I was scared and damn so low when you needed me. Despite your efforts, my career was in front of me. And it was my career that I can see more, more than you. 

And when you tried to knock on the door again (which was your last grip) I did not believe you. There was doubt. and then boom, you are finally gone.

I hope one day if I’d be able to read this, I will understand why I needed to let you go. Why I allowed someone to catch you. Because you deserve someone better too. You deserve to be happy.

Dear Jonghyun,

I have cried and mourn for you for two days straight now. It has been two days since they declared your suicidal death.

At first, I was just saddened to know it was suicide. When tweets gone viral and there are videos of you crying on a concert, your last message to your fans, your last solo concert and even your last live on instagram... I've gone more curious, too.

I was never a fan of you, Jonghyun. I've never watched any SHINee video nor song before. I just knew your band because of Minho in Hwarang. And I've just seen it twice in an article (that Miinho's part of SHINee, that's all).

I searched more info of you, cried all over again with your absurd clips and funny moments. I was never your fan.

Back to my curiosity, I searched more of you. Your lovelife, and your songs... It was then when I noticed a video flashed a familiar song lyrics: "So goodbye, don't cry and smile..." ---one of City Hunter's OSTs

City Hunter was the first and only Korean series I faithfully watched in an Internet Cafe. I've spent hundreds for an hourly rent for weeks to finish it (I do not have my own laptop and IP back then, I was just a poor junior high student who failed Grade 9; yes, this was exactly the time when everyone left me, *right after my several suicidal attempts. Hello wristcuts*... the time when my allowance per day is only 30php and I still have to keep an amount for the cafe's rent). The only Korean series I claimed to be the only one that made me cry sooo hard. It was every episode that always makes my eyes bubbled. It even saddened me to end the series.

When I had the opportunity to download my favorite OSTs first quarter of this year, I included "So Goodbye". I have your song in my playlist... all this time. I used to cry and to burst my feelings whenever I'm down or I have to let go of an opportunity or someone special with your song on the background. I can easily open my feelings out with your song because again, City Hunter was the first Korean series that made me cry every episode.

So this was the reason I got curious then... you were actually a part of me since then. Your song made me live, Jonghyun. Because of your song I was able to pour my deepest heartache and worldy pain. I'm so sorry it was late for me to follow you on Twitter and IG, I'm so sorry if it was late for me to listen to your other songs, I'm so sorry you had to go feel the pain this long and this far... And eventhough I would like to ask you "did you ever think of how are going to handle your loss?" but instead I will continue to pray for your soul, may your sorrow and pain be lifted in heaven... may you be with Jesus rejoicing and singing.

You didn't do anything wrong... your good bye is an awakening call to us. We understand you and we love you so much. Your songs will forever be in our hearts. And Lord willing, if I will be able to visit South Korea soon... I will visit your grave. For now, I will just give you a tight hug on my dream and will tell you, "you did well" while crying.

Thank you, Jonghyun. Thank you so much...

Love,