#12.16.2022

in my very first memory of us, somehow you knew a confidence to stand behind, my attention upon you

precipice of completely new eagerly awaiting two

caught our breath, let it go navigated parallel depths, who was to know?

second week no one foresaw drank a little too readily from that which we saw

your waking thoughts obscured we did all that we could pulling sheets over you whispered “we made it through” the rest was not for our view

along the way it all became a blur fragments spun into a desperate whirl

hawaiian pink and blue one drink in, I cried to you

jokes about being lovers across the room laying on bed covers, you told your friend I was your sister

hand holds with the single purpose of touch elongated stares where we thought too much

your insides all over me dispersed praised for being a good friend who did not emit a single curse I didn’t realize the truth was I was already down so much worse

only a few nights later you asked how much of it was a joke then a challenge in your eyes that nearly made me choke

nervous laughter I could not contain even after I finally pressed my lips to yours

the clumsiness of each other’s first kiss we quickly turned into a certain bliss

I suggested my top was in the way then you tried to look away it made me laugh anew

I told you it was all for you I wanted you to

pressed up against each other lost my mind for over an hour

fingertips traced the form of your spine tenderly, you said your trust was mine no one else had wandered your skin not just anyone could walk in

so much more happened after that

there were moments I tossed there were moments I turned there were supermarket cries there were moments others spoke, but my eyes were locked on you there were moments the world stopped, or I wished that it could

I teased you with Hero for Men and sometime later we were in a room alone, together again

I sent you away that same night I’m sorry I chose someone else in the end I’m sorry I had to see if I was right or I’d go insane I’m sorry you said something about me that I was only starting to learn and it hurt I’m sorry maybe we would have failed too I’m sorry I made the less terrifying choice I am sorry

don’t know which made me feel more ready to bolt, you or my heart racing with an uncontrollable jolt