#111815

11.18.15

Need for Tweed 

I don’t like the cold, but don’t mind it because I get to wear jackets like this.    

11.18.15

Need for Tweed

Five patterns up top.  I know that’s a lot for most, but I love this combo.  

It really hurts tonight. Maybe it’s because I know you’re hanging out with your friends. Maybe it’s because I know you’re getting to know more and more people. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been used to you being a social butterfly as you’re being now. Or maybe its because you’ve always been so used to introducing me as your joy, your baby girl, and now, i’m just your friend that’s thousands of miles away that you text.

Your smile and the joy in your voice when you first introduce me to random people or to your friends was intoxicating. It was amazing to be adored by you. I can’t believe I took it for granted because I miss it so much now. I miss you so much that it physically hurts to breathe at times during nights like this because all I want is to be by your side. 

Whatever that was bugging us or all the things we argued about when we were together, it was nothing compared to the pain I’m feeling right now in this moment. The pain of knowing how happy I could be and how happy you could be, and knowing that I’m not reaching that potential is absolutely aggravating. It is so painful to have all of these feelings inside of me and feeling like I’m a crazy ex-girlfriend when I know I am not.

It kills me inside to not know what goes on in your head anymore. I used to be able to know what you were doing, or what you were thinking, and maybe that scared you or annoyed you, but it’s such a complete shift now. Do you still even have feelings for me? Do you miss me at all when you do homework or you’re with your friends or when you log on tumblr and see all the posts and beautiful people on your dashboard?

Because I miss you the way I miss the feeling of us hugging each other for the first time we finally ran into each other’s arms at the airport. I miss you in a way that can only be quenched by packing a week’s worth of outfits and stuffing it into a suitcase and hopping on the next flight to TN and never looking back. I miss you terribly so, and I cannot fathom why any of these events took place. 

I know we’re supposed to grow. I know I need to take time to receive treatment and form healthier habits, but the thing that makes it harder to breathe every night when I close my eyes is the possibility that even if we’re two fully grown people, the small hope that we won’t be greeting each other at the end of the race makes it harder to breathe. I know i’m not supposed to think about these things, but can you blame me? I want a future with you. I know it sounds moronic to say that seeing as how when we broke up, I was the one that was unsure, but that’s the terrible thing.. I’m so sure now that this is what I want.

But I’m not sure if you reciprocate those feelings.