#10things

“May I continue, Brat?” At my shrug, Mitsuhide raised a questioning eyebrow at Toshiie, who also seemed to be inclined to let him keep talking. “Might I first point out that you never mentioned your brother’s name?”

I hadn’t? I thought back… I might not have.

“It didn’t occur to me that I had met your brother until after you returned to your original time.” When Toshiie startled at that, Mitsuhide nodded to acknowledge he was aware we were from the future. “Katsu, Toshiie was the healer who treated you when you were in the accident. Why he chose not to disclose the connection and not to return to see you is something that you need to discuss with him.”

When I turned to look at Toshiie, who hung his head, Mitsuhide again took control of the conversation, this time by removing the wig to reveal his natural silvery hair. “Before you two talk though, I must introduce myself to you, Master Toshiie. My name is not Kyubei, its Akechi Mitsuhide. When your sister and I were here earlier this summer, we were pretending to be a merchant and his concubine.” Even though Toshiie bristled like an angry cat, Mitsuhide strolled to my side, picked up my hand and kissed it. “My brilliant fiancée was kind enough to agree to the charade in order to help me locate a kidnapped Oda princess.”

As Toshiie edged down from DEFCON one status, I gave Mitsuhide a look. Ok, he technically hadn’t lied, aside from claiming that we were engaged, but I still was going to have to expand on the story to Toshiie… hang on. I slapped Toshiie’s arm “You didn’t visit me because you thought I was a prostitute?” Way to be sex positive… not.

Toshiie threw his hands up in the air and looked to Mitsuhide, apparently now deciding that hewas the good cop, and I was the hard ass. Mitsuhide simply bowed. “Dear me, it appears that the two of you need some time alone to sort through matters.” He kissed my cheek, and then whisked himself downstairs, where I expected he would probably get a lesson in all kinds of nasty potions.

Who am I kidding? He had probably crept back up the stairs and was listening in. I mean…. I would have.

“I thought he was holding you against your will.” Toshiie glanced toward the stairway. “He seems nice though.”

“He’s not nice… but he is kind. Nice would bore me.” Since Toshiie didn’t respond to that, and had instead fallen into awkward silence, I gestured at the walls. “Is this your building?”

The response to that question was bitter laughter, a sound that seemed out of place coming from my brother. “No, I work for the herbalist in exchange for room and board.” He seemed not to know what to do with his hands, and so, taking pity on him, I asked for tea, even though I was not thirsty.

While he bustled around the irori, I took a closer look around his quarters. His place was small – there was no upper floor above us, so all he had was a cooking area and a main room. A futon was folded neatly in the corner, with two cushions sitting on top of that, but there wasn’t very much in the way of décor.

It was such a huge departure from his room in modern Japan, which had always been full of art posters, brightly colored textiles, and piles (literally piles) of books and graphic novels, that I realized my brother had become a completely new person. One I would have to get to know from scratch. Well… I suppose it was the same with me. I was not the same directionless adrenaline chaser I had been in my adolescence.

Once the tealeaves were steeping, Toshiie grabbed the cushions from the futon and placed them on the floor on either side of a tray table. I knelt across from him and waited for him to begin his story.

…

…

…

When a couple minutes had passed with him doing nothing but stare uncomfortably into his teacup, I finally decided to prompt him with a little bit of interrogation. “Would you rather start at what happened the day we got here? Or fast forward to the day you found me and didn’t stick around for me to wake up.”

“Wow. Harsh… But I guess I deserved that.” He still wouldn’t look at me. “Last fall… I was in a bad way. I um, drank. All the time.”

"The first night I was injured. I don’t recall much, but I do recall hearing a flute. That was you, wasn’t it?"

Mitsuhide inclined his head. "The healer mentioned you might find it soothing."

"Where is this healer now? Did he not come back after the first time?" It was strange to hear about a doctor who popped in once but didn’t come back to check on a patient. Maybe he needed to be sent for.

"From what Shojumaru has told me, the man is brilliant but rarely sober." As if to illustrate the point, Mitsuhide poured himself a cup of tea, rather than breaking out his sake. "As long as you appeared to be incrementally improving, I thought it not necessary to further test his sobriety."

Calling on the spirit of my moderately awesome ninja pal, I kept my face as impassive as possible.

“And I thought I had nothing to offer… that you would hate what I had become. I needed to clean up first.” He clenched his hands so tightly that his knuckles paled in the effort.

“I wouldn’t have cared. I mean… well, I would have worried a lot, but I wouldn’t have ever hated you.” Although I might have done my best to stage an intervention… which probably wouldn’t be possible in a place where the rice wine was sometimes safer to drink than water. “I just wanted my brother back. I’ve been looking for you – that is one of the reasons I became a courier to begin with. To find you.” I paused a moment, then prompted by honesty, I added, “Well, that and I hated being a housemaid.”

“Until I saw you with Kyu- er, with Mitsuhide, I thought you were dead. Eaten by a bear.” His fingers played absently with a rough chip in the side of the teacup.

Eaten by a … what?

“A bear?” There was nothing I could do after hearing that except laugh. “I’m sorry,” I said when I caught his hurt expression. “I know you must have been devastated when you heard that, it’s just… I’ve never gotten close enough to a bear to even be bitten by one, let alone become a bear meal. They don’t eat people. They’re more scared of us than we are of them.”

At that point, there was only one thing to do, and that was to hug him and pat his back and he tensed and shuddered a few times. “I’m sorry. You must have felt so lost.”

Belatedly, I wondered whether Aki’s gruff, slightly distant affection had indeed been exactly what I needed. After my first few weeks of culture shock, and reluctant acceptance that yes, I was stuck 450 years in the past, my entire motivation had been focused on physically and mentally becoming the best scout/ messenger possible. I had thrived on the challenge, more than I ever would have on any challenge I had faced in modern Japan.

“I thought it was my fault. I was the one who suggested we go to the shrine that day, and then when we were attacked, I couldn’t protect you.” His face was still buried in my shoulder, and I could feel his tension through his entire body.

“You wouldn’t have had to suggest it if you weren’t so worried about me, but… it would never have mattered. They would have figured out how to get us here no matter what.” Ok, that last bit was still a theory, but given the whole Aki situation, I think we were both supposed to be here.

He pulled back, and now his expression was one of curiosity. “What do you mean?”

“It’s a long story… but I want to hear about you first.” I figured Toshiie needed to unload and get everything out. Bringing up Aki right now would just derail all that. “All I knew, or at least what I thought I knew, was that you were on a ship of some sort.”

“We’re going to need more tea.” He poured out another serving. “That’s right. I was on a ship. We'd been at sea about six weeks," he made a disgusted face, "when we encountered a rogue wave that damaged the mast. The ship limped into Sakai for repairs and in the confusion, I escaped… and well, I guess they probably didn’t look too much for me. I was an awful sailor. They were getting tired of stepping in my vomit… and when they asked me to clean it up myself… well, I just got sick again.”

Yeah, that tracked. Toshiie always had had terrible motion sickness. “I didn’t have any money though and for a long time I just existed by helping out in a noodle place. Chopping and stuff. Putting those medical skills to good use. And then I actually did put my skills to use when the restaurant owner cut himself and I stitched up the wound… did you know that they’d never heard of sutures here?”

In fact, I was aware of that, having witnessed my share of battles from the sidelines, but I didn’t want to stop his flow so I simply raised my eyebrows to get him to keep going.

“Anyway, every so often I would do some actual medical work and after a while people started coming to me when they were injured or sick. The herbalist downstairs thought it would be a good business decision to have me up here, so it is kind of a trade. However, he takes most of what people give me for the care.” He gestured around the sparse room and at his worn clothing. “Hence.”

Ugh really? And I had smiled politely at the man when we came in? “That’s not fair!”

“It … is though. I might have not spent it wisely anyway.” He left that open for interpretation, but I got the inference. “I haven’t been very proactive about this… career. Or really bothered to do much in the way of advancing my knowledge.” He sighed. “At first the drinking was just to help the sea sickness.”

“And that helped… how?” Wouldn’t that have made it worse?

As if no years had passed, my twin was able to glean my thoughts again. “You’re thinking it might have made it worse… but I already felt so miserably sick, that at least at some point I wanted not to care about it. Besides, you should have seen the quality of the water on board. You do not want to know what I found floating in one of the barrels.”

Ew… I could imagine.

He turned serious again. “Once I was off the ship… it made things seem less awful.” I stretched out my hands to him and he took them. “I didn’t want to live… but after what mom did, I couldn’t kill myself either.” His grip tightened on me. “When I saw you alive, I finally had a reason to change.”

He … should have changed for himself. I didn’t want to be anyone’s reason or purpose (too much pressure), but now wasn’t the time for that. “And … did you… change?”

A rather strained smile crossed his face, and I could see that there were dark unhealthy circles under his eyes, but his next words were from the old Toshiie, my sarcastic twin. “Cold turkey, baby. It… sucked, but having knowledge of herbal teas helped get me through the worst of the symptoms.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help.” Because there were no more words to say, I pulled him into a hug, and as he once had done when our mother died, he sobbed on my shoulder. Toshiie always had felt things more deeply and fiercely than… no, maybe that wasn’t true. His way of dealing with pain was different from mine.  His outlet was emotion; mine had always been activity – to push my body until I couldn’t think.

Neither way was better or worse… they… just were.

After his emotional storm passed, he got up and pulled the teakettle off the irori. It had been steaming and spitting for a while now. He’d be lucky if there was any hot water left. While he made yet another pot of tea (well… he was probably still flushing poison from his system) I gave him the highlights of my past seven years, doing my best to get to this summer where I knew I would need to selectively edit information to match up to Mitsuhide’s story. “After Aki disappeared, Mitsuhide and I partnered up – “

“So you weren’t his fiancée?” Toshiie, of course leaped on that inconsistency, seeming (of course) very interested in my relationship with Mitsuhide.

“At the time it was more of a business partnership…”

“Heavens, wherever did you get the idea that I was offering you a partnership? You will be working for me, and you will do exactly as I say.” Before I could tell him where he could put his job offer (such as it was), he continued. “Don’t look so mutinous, Brat. Am I wrong in thinking that this was exactly the scheme you were planning with this man-” he nodded toward Francisco, “-as your conspirator?  And would you agree that I would be far more competent in the role than a man who was not able to appear at the auction in time to rescue you from danger?” In spite of, or more simply to humor, Francisco, Mitsuhide sent a friendly smile in his direction.

Again, yes. Mitsuhide and his mouth full of teeth would be an upgrade in that regard. If I continued with Plan A. However, I could move directly to Plan B – finding and working for this Shojumaru – without taking a partner. Especially one who would-

“I rather think your rejection of me, while somewhat personally hurtful,” he dramatically placed his hand over his heart, and directed an over-the-top lovelorn glance at me, “lies in the fact that unlike your language-deficient friend, I would exert control over your somewhat impetuous behavior.”

“My rejection, as you put it, lies in the fact that I don’t want to work for you. I don’t want to work with you. I don’t want to spend any time in the same room with you.” 

“OW!”

A punch on my arm startled me out of my reminiscence. Toshiie grinned at me. “Look at you, with that goofy smile on your face. You liked him even then. My little sister in love. Never thought I would see the day.”

Ooof. Goofy smile? Mitsuhide probably heard that. Oh boy. I was going to be teased for that for certain. “It was only after I got hurt that the two of us realized how we felt about each other… but Toshiie, I haven’t yet told you… it turns out that Aki is our father… he’s from some time in the future…. I mean the future of our future. If we hadn’t gone through the wormhole then, we might have ended up here at some point anyway.”

There was a long silence while Toshiie digested all that. “Wow. That’s some serious sci-fi stuff. I love it... Our bio dad, huh? What’s he like?”

“Gruff. Distant. But… I always knew he cared about me. Before learning he was our father, I would have said that I loved him as a father figure. My Obi Wan. Now… it’s all mixed up because of the multiverse … on man, I haven’t even explained that part of it yet.” Toshiie was looking at me with four parts fascination and one part incredulity. “We live in a multiverse, and you and I have alternate selves. There is only Aki, but lots of us, and in another timeline, I met my alternate – as well as your children. I met them. Nao and Mayumi. They’re pretty good kids. Nao likes to climb things.”

“Huh. Kids.” He smiled. “I don’t know why that helps. But it does. I feel less cursed.”

Well. That was good… but it made me wonder. My life, and Katsuko’s life and apparently my unmet alternate Okatsu’s life had turned out all right. Maybe the mysterious ninja self was good too.

But… were there timelines where we were not ok? Where things had gone as badly for us as they had for Toshiie in this timeline?

“Brat, I don’t recall you mentioning that you met an alternate version of yourself.” After spending most of the evening at Toshiie’s, Mitsuhide and I had returned to the machiya, eaten a light snack, and were now getting ready for bed. I’d hoped he’d missed that part of the conversation… but Mitsuhide misses nothing.

“Hah. I knew you were listening in.” His re-entry into Toshiie’s rooms had been suspiciously well timed to the end of my conversation with my brother, and his welcome interruption into what had been an awkward conversational lull had diverted the rest of the evening into a getting to know you session between the two most important men in my life. Under Mitsuhide’s acting of a fervent lover (and probably also under the spell of those cheekbones) Toshiie’s stiffness had melted away. By the end of the night, he’d agreed to Mitsuhide’s proposal to move to Azuchi.

“I was, and you would have done the same.”

Ok, that’s fair.

True, I had indeed expected him to listen in… but it had been difficult enough just to pitch my edited tale toward Toshiie. I’d decided I would just deal with the eavesdropper later.

Now, it was later… and I still hadn’t figured out how to handle any potential questions. Divert, divert, divert! I gestured to the parcel he’d brought back from the herbalist. “Did you buy something?”

“A little of this, a little of that.” He set a few paper-sealed packets up on the shelf where he kept the oil and incense. Then he turned around and gave me one of those looks. The look that seared into my soul and set my nerve endings buzzing. That prickly feeling… but now that I knew what it meant it was less frightening. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Ok… maybe a little bit frightening. But in a good way.

I knelt on a cushion, folded my hands piously, and gave him an innocent look.

Eyebrow raise.

Letting my fingers trail across the smooth straw of the tatami mat, I tried to ground myself. “It’s nothing really.”

Grounding would have been more effective if my kitsune hadn’t simply picked me up and tossed me onto the bed. He crawled on top of me and kissed the underside of my chin, his tongue flicking out to caress my throat. “You do remember I have my ways of making you talk… and moan… and scream.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you watch those old melodrama – oh!” He was already nibbling his way along my throat, moving leisurely up to my ear. I wiggled in anticipation of what would come next.

“You are avoiding the question.” That wicked smile told me he was having fun questioning me… and that he wouldn’t stop until he got an answer.

And, I suppose, that avoiding it would only make the revelation seem bigger than it actually was. “It’s really not that important. My alternate self is in love with Shingen.” When he frowned at that, I added, “but having met them both, the only way I could manage not to be weird about meeting another me was to think of her as my older sister, and as such, he will always be another brother in my eyes.”

Before he could respond, I hugged him closer. “Thank you for finding my brother. And for having someone watch over him.” I had not missed the nod that Mitsuhide had given to a man sitting across the road from the herbalist’s storefront. “It was the best grand romantic gesture a woman could ever dream of receiving.”

Well, that and travelling through time to find me.

There was silence for a moment, but I wasn’t expecting him to answer. Mitsuhide had as much trouble acknowledging a thank-you as he used to with accepting pleasure. Therefore, I was surprised when he very quietly whispered, “you are very welcome.”

“I’m glad he decided to come back with us. I mean, sure Kyoto isn’t that far from Azuchi, but it will be nice to see him every day…” Hm. That did remind me of one other white lie he had told my brother. “Although he’s going to figure out pretty soon that I’m not your fiancée.”

“He will not, because you are in fact my fiancée.” While I was still processing that matter of fact statement, Mitsuhide took advantage of my silence by kissing me thoroughly that most of my consciousness jumped the track to yes there, move closer, why are we both still dressed.

When my brain cells finally took control again… “I don’t recall there being a marriage proposal-“

“Consider it a permanent extension of our contract.” He propped himself up on one arm and smiled down at me, his fingers drawing little circles on my stomach.

“You know I’ll stay by your side without marriage. I’m more than happy as your lover.” Marriage had never been part of my dreams. “It’s not necessary.”

“You misunderstand. It is very necessary to my continued happiness that you become my wife. Until that blissful moment occurs, I intend to at least use the term ‘my fiancée’ on a daily basis.” He leaned down and placed a slow gentle kiss on my lips, one of reverence, one that said what his words could not. Then, he pulled away, and with that smirk, he added, “After all, do you not want to marry the man who can, to quote your brother, put that goofy smile on your face?”

I knew that was going to come back to haunt me.

“I have dated,” you say with a frown. “It wasn’t for me.”

She rolls her eyes. “Hooking up with a few guys at a few different parties is hardly dating,” she says. She leans in closer, lowering her voice so none of the cafeteria busybodies will overhear. “You know I love you and all your convictions, but my parents won’t let me date until you do, and I really. Really. Want to go out with Steve. Just once! Please?”

You huff and drum your fingers against the table. You aren’t 100% sure about Steve, but Nancy tends to be a good judge of character, so if she likes him...

“Fine!!” you say. Nancy beams and claps her hands in delight. You hold up a hand to quell her enthusiasm. “But I’m not going out with one of Steve’s idiot jock buddies. Find me someone interesting.”

Nancy stares at you. “Sweetie, no offense, but...what the hell does that mean?”

“I mean, like, I don’t know. Someone not like Steve. Think of Steve, then go the opposite direction.”

Her face twists in thought. “I’ll talk to Steve.”

“Do that,” you say, grabbing your tray. “In the meantime I have chem.” You walk away, confident that they won’t find anyone. Steve’s friend circle is small, and it’s almost exclusively jocks—except, strangely, for Robin Buckley; that’s not a pair you ever would’ve pictured. You’re sure they won’t find anyone who meets your criteria. The peace and quiet of your senior year will remain undisturbed.

---

Eddie Munson has probably spoken 2 words to Steve Harrington in his entire life, yet now he’s nearly positive Steve is waving...at him. And heading...his way. Eddie glances over his shoulder, but the coast is clear. Just him. And Steve. Making a beeline right for him.

That can’t be good.

“Hey! Munson! You got a sec?!”

Steve Harrington knows his name? That really can’t be good. Eddie shifts his notebook from one arm to the other and shrugs a little. “Kinda on my way somewhere.”

“Right, yeah, your Hellfire thing. Dustin Henderson and Mike Wheeler are in that, right?”

Now Eddie is thoroughly nonplussed. Even more than he was before. “Yeah,” he says. “Is that a problem?”

“Nah, man, not at all!” Steve runs a hand through his ridiculous hair and grins. “They’re kinda friends of mine. I mean, Dustin is. Sorta. And Mike’s his buddy, so...” Steve swallows and glances around. “Okay, look, this is kinda weird, but...you know Mike’s older sister, Nancy?”

“Uh huhh,” Eddie says, drawing the syllable out in suspicion. He starts toward the media room, hoping Steve’ll get the hint, but he just falls in next to him.

“Nancy’s cool. Really, really cool. And smart. Probably too good for a schlub like me,” Steve says, which makes Eddie snort.

“False humility ain’t your look, man.”

Steve peers at him, but then blinks it away. “Anyway, I really wanna ask her out, but her parents have this weird rule...” He explains the Wheelers’ bizarre and frankly antiquated rule that their precious daughter can’t date until her friends do—one friend in particular. You.

“Do you think maybe you could ask her out? She agreed to go out with someone so Nancy and I could date, but she requested someone, uh.” Steve clears his throat. They’re at the media room by now, and he stops. Shoves his hands in his pockets. “Someone...weird? Uh. Not at all like me, were her words.”

Eddie snorts. Is this a joke? He’s seen Carrie like 50 times and he has no intention of being the sad girl covered in pigs’ blood; especially since he doesn’t have any psychic powers to get his awesome, fiery revenge.

“You’re fuckin’ with me, right?” he says. “I might be stoned, but I’m not stupid. No way a friend of Nancy Wheeler’s would go out with Eddie ‘the freak’ Munson.”

Steve shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He told Nancy this was a bad idea. “Look, man, I swear I’m being straight with you. She’s cool, okay? A little bit touchy and, like, grumpy? I guess? But cool. She’s into that Dungeons and Dragons stuff too. You can ask her to join Hellfire! She’d probably say yes.”

He gives Eddie big, hopeful puppy eyes, and as much as Eddie wants to tell him to fuck off, some part of him can’t. He’s noticed you around school; he has eyes. You’re cute and definitely smart and probably way out of his league...but fuck it. It’s not like his stock could plummet much further, and if you really are into D&D, it’d be cool to have a girl in the club.

“Yeah, fine, whatever. Not gonna promise anything, but I’ll talk to her. If she wants to join Hellfire, fine. If not, you’re on your own. Find another patsy. Got it?”

“Yes! Thank you! You’re a lifesaver!” He slaps Eddie’s shoulder. “I promise you won’t regret it! I can even pay for your date. Just lemme know where you’re gonna take her. I’ll throw in a little extra for your trouble.”

Pay him. To date a cute girl. There are worse ways to make money. “Cool. I’ll see if I can talk to her tomorrow.” He pauses and studies Steve through narrowed eyes. “If you’re fuckin’ with me--”

“Swear I’m not!”

“Fine. But if I get kicked in the nuts I’m comin’ after you.”

“Fair enough. Thanks, Munson. Really.” Steve grins again and practically skips away.

Eddie glowers after him. Possibly he just made a huge mistake, but, again, what the hell? Maybe he’ll get a chance to chat up a cute girl; maybe he’ll get kicked in the nuts. Either way it’ll be something to do.

---

The next day during lunch you’re minding your own business attempting to catch up on the reading for AP English. Nancy is off canoodling somewhere with Steve (or so you suspect), so you’re on your own. Just you and Hamlet.

Hamlet’s hitting existential crisis number 582 (give or take) when you sense someone hovering over your shoulder. You glance back and your eyes narrow when you see Eddie Munson.

He offers a wave and a little smile. “Hi,” he says. “Hey. Um. I’m Eddie.”

“I know who you are.”

“Great! That’s great.” He takes the seat next to you, uninvited, and peeks again at your book. “Hamlet, huh? That’s the guy who banged his mom, right?”

Your mouth quirks. “In some interpretations, sure. But I think you’re thinking of Oedipus Rex.”

“Oedipus! Right. The riddle guy who banged his mom. Yeah, Hamlet’s the one with the ghost dad.”

“Bingo.” You shut your book and set it neatly in front of you. “Can I help you with something?”

“Uh, yeah.” He drums his hands against the table, his rings catching the light, and offers you an awkward smile. “I hear you’re into D&D.”

“Wow. Word gets around about an interest I never talk about or have a chance to indulge in.”

He blinks, then his grin turns sheepish. “Yeah, well. I think Mike Wheeler mentioned it? You’re friends with his sister, right? He’s in my club.” He smooths his shirt. “Hellfire Club.”

“So I’ve heard,” you say, mildly. “Are you selling candy bars or something?”

“Huh? Oh. Ha. No. We’re looking for an extra member for our next campaign. Someone with some experience.”

You eye him a moment. “You know, I tried to join your club freshman year. The guy in charge at the time told me girls didn’t play D&D.”

“He said what?!” He scowls and tugs at a lock of his hair. “Shit. Fuck that. We’re under new management now, and everyone’s welcome. So you in, or...?”

You grab your backpack and slip your book into it. “Listen, Eddie...I don’t know what this is about, but I’m a little busy these days, so I don’t really have time to—”

“Steve Harrington said I should ask you out!” he blurts as you get up to leave.

You freeze a moment before dropping back down into your seat. “You?”

“Yep, me. Sorry, not exactly the Dating Game lottery, huh?”

“Oh, shut up,” you say, rolling your eyes. “You’re fine. Just--well. I did say someone different.” You sigh and shake your head. “Fine. When and where?”

He stares. “The club?”

“No.” You wave a hand. “The date. You are interested in the date, right?”

“Oh!” he says. “The date! Yeah, sure, good. Is it like a double thing with Steve and Nancy, or...?”

This poor boy seems completely out of his element, and he’s kinda cute in a puppy, Muppet sort of way. You take pity on him. “There’s a party this weekend at Sharon Mooney’s. Pick me up at 8.” You scribble your address and the date on a piece of paper and pass it to him. “Don’t be late.”

“A party?!” Steve didn’t say a word about parties. He did NOT sign up for parties! He looks up at you, your brows lifted in a question, and after a moment he gives a resigned nod. “Eight,” he says. “I’ll be there.”

“Great,” you say. You stand up again, so that he’s having to look up at you. “This is strictly for show. No kissing, no touching, no bullshit. We’ll go, have a few drinks, mingle, leave. Got it?”

He blows out a breath and flashes a double thumbs up. “Got it, boss. See you then.”

3) x reader stories.

Now, there are a lot of these (especially on wattpad) and I dislike them for a lot of the same reasons I dislike the previous 2, I just, don’t care. It doesn’t feel real to me, and you get stories titled “Transformers One-Shots” and I think it’s gonna be a good story, but I go to the chapter index and all I see is “Optimus x Yandere!reader” “Megatron x Mute!reader” “Soundwave x Demon!reader” and it annoys me, because I came looking for Transformers one-shots, and I got this...

4) Human centric stories.

I am but a simple fan. I’m here to read about the giant metal robots. I would like to read about the giant metal robots. Sam Witwicky is one of the most common characters to be a main human protagonist (Usually with powers granted to him by the AllSpark) and I just don’t like him. It bugs me, and I get they’re trying to give more love to the human characters, but the humans only ever truly work as a supporting cast in Transformers, and putting them in the spotlight kinda annoys me.

5) Unnecessary gender swaps

This one has always bugged me because you’ll get great summaries like “With the Autobots running low on moral and supplies, tension is high. Megatron has been missing for months, and the Decepticons have gone silent. When the  battered and injured Warlord of the Decepticons stumbles to the Ark with no memories, a sinister plot is uncovered” and then it’s like “oh, btw, fem!Megatron” and it seems SO unnecessary, and I have to ask what the point of the sex change is. And usually, ANY sex change is accompanied by a pairing with someone formally of the same gender, like “Fem!Megatron x Optimus” or vice versa, and it kinda ticks me off.

6) Unnecessary new sibling/twin character

This kinda falls in line with OCs, but it’s a category of it’s own. Authors introduce new sibling characters (usually with VERY similar names) and then the story focuses on them, like “Samantha Witwicky, twin sister of Sam Witwicky”. Most people seem to paint it as a “what if (insert character had a sibling) but the sibling is so prominent in the story, it’s kinda clear it’s just another OC in a shiny new paint job. Typically, these characters are also very Mary Sue-like.

7) Megatron x Starscream

This may be because I’m a big MegOP fan (Even though I can actually picture Optimus with more characters than Megatron) but I’ve never been a huge fan of this pairing, at least, in any way other than a VERY casual fling. I can’t see Megatron tolerating Starscream enough to actually frag him.

8) Shockwave x anyone (post-shadowplay)

His whole shtick is that he’s logical, cold and emotionless. He would never care for anyone, regardless of circumstance even in the continuities where Shadowplay wasn’t a thing yet. I find it so aggravating when I see “Shockwave grows to care for this new recruit” or something along those lines, because he doesn’t care about love or romance. Dare I say it, but it’s illogical to pair him with anyone.

9) Optimus Prime x Bumblebee

I shouldn’t have to say much, but I feel like they work more with a family dynamic than with any sort of romance dynamic.

10) Megatron or Optimus (or any other popular character) x characters they have no history/chemistry with and only spoke to like once

So, this happens a lot, and it’s always just, lackluster, because in the shows, usually, the characters have never never even spoken to each other alone, and at best have spoken on the other’s presence. Like, I’ve seen quite a bit of TFP Megatron x Arcee, but they’ve never really interacted in the show much at all. I don’t even think Megatron has ever spoken Arcee’s name. Another ship I’ve seen that does this is Optimus x Grimlock (which I put in the same category as Megatron x Starscream). It’s just unbelievable these two would ever actually frag, and it pulls me out when it tries to be serious.

No, crack ships and stories do not count, those are actually fun, as they don’t take themselves too seriously, and, generally speaking, do tell a nice and entertaining story.