#102815

For a second I thought you were strong enough to withstand everything.. even distance, I was wrong. I thought you were enough to keep the love of my life strong; to keep him in love with me; I thought you were enough to change him. I thought I was enough.

               I always feared that one day, his love for me will grow weak. That’s humane, I guess but being not there physically for him seems to be an absurd reason for such feeling. Well, for me.

               Why is it that no matter what happens I always seem to stay madly in love as I have ever been the first time I declared so? Or worse, deeper in it... and why is it that I always end up with someone who feels otherwise.

               What have I ever done to not deserve someone who believes that distance doesn’t mitigate love in any way; that love is beyond the physical intimacy; that love doesn’t mean you have to see each other every day? When will someone ever tell me that he falls madly and deeply in love with me with every passing day? When will I finally be loved the way I love?

               It’s sad and it drives me mad to just wait for that day when he finally tells me that all the love he had for me is gone and that distance and our fights drove it all away.

               Love should be greater than those things.

               Love should be unconditional.

               It’s fvcked up to be a hopless romantic.

               It seems like I always have to keep him in love with me and that I have to work hard for it when love shouldn’t be like that at all. No. It really shouldn’t. What about me? Who’ll look after me? Does it even frighten him that I might get tired? Does it even frighten him that I might fall out of love from him too? Does losing me even scare him at all.

               But why am I even here? Why am I still waiting? Why am I still hoping? Why do I still cling on to every single promise he made? To every single plan we had? Why? I should know better, I didn’t get into the nation’s most prestigious university for nothing but I’m still here despite the possible outcomes that can and will shatter me.

               Love, why do you destroy me so? I’m not one of those strong enough to just bend, you see love, I break.

               And now, I’m broken.

               Love, why wasn’t I ever enough for anybody? For him?

               You used to make me feel so glad I lived but now I just don’t know if I’m even living at all. There’s this empty cavity in my chest where I believe something used to be but now it’s not there anymore. It’s into pieces ever since I knew that the day I dreaded so much finally dawned on me.

               Things change.

               That includes your feelings.

               It also did for me but the thing is, I fell harder and well, you...

               The feeling just isn’t mutual anymore, I guess.

10.29.15

10.28.15