#10.1.23

it’s too often we’re doing this. it’s too much to bear.

i miss you. i love you. i’d do anything to have peace.

i guess that means saying in this case that my feelings are irrelevant. not that it seems like you care.

every time you leave, it adds hurt for me. that’s probably the point today where i realized this was gonna go on the whole day. you are so willing to leave, knowing it will hurt me.

i keep thinking you’re the one. but if you’re the one, why don’t you care how i feel? why would you go to sleep instead of talk things out with me? i know, you have nothing to say. it makes me feel like this doesn’t matter to you at all.

damn.

my heart really hurts. i feel like there are cracks in our relationship that weren’t there before.

i extended the olive branch (or maybe accepted it?) by coming downstairs. that was my act of peace. but somehow when we got upstairs, we’re strangers again.

maybe i responded wrong again. maybe it’s my depression to blame. i just feel like every weekend we’re being brought back here and it’s really fucking me up. it’s really fucking me up.

and idk why. i’ve been through relationship trauma before. a lot of it. this shouldn’t hurt me the way it does, it just shouldn’t. but i’m not as strong as i used to be. i have been through a lot and those scars show.

i hope we make it. i hope we were right that we’re meant to be together. i don’t know how to express to you the magnitude of this relationship in my life.

i guess i’ve never explained how loosely i feel connected to it all to begin with. i’ve never explained how fragile my connection on this earth is. i’ve known a lot of pain in my life from a young age and i’ve always had the thought - wouldn’t it be nice to rest? wouldn’t it be nice to not have these emotions and this pain?

i was 3 years old when i became aware of the fact that i could end my existence on this earth, and may want to. for years at a time, i’ve felt like a ghost walking in this body - i’m here, but just barely. i’m so close to the other side i can feel the cosmic whooshing wind of the universe out there.

when i met you, i remembered how good life could be. i remembered why people stay. and since the last month has been so hard, it’s reminding me that without you here i wasn’t sure how long i’d be around anyway.

those feelings come and go, and i’ve never acted on them. but when we spend hours at a time in these states i can’t help but remember how hard it is to feel heartbroken. and how nice it would be to feel nothing at all.

[√(10 - 1)]! = 2 * 3

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