#1.20.26

I actually used to have a proper like, BLOG blog when I was a kid. I doubt I had any more readers than myself and a few strays, but somewhere out there in cyberspace is the person I was as a child, perfectly preserved forever through their writing.

The internet is a special thing for third culture kids. Its the one permanent thing in a lifestyle defined by change and impermanence. I never spent more than 2 years in the same school, but I always had my pages. They came with me all over the world. I documented a lot of things on that old blog: school drama, my fears for the future, teenage angst, parental hatred, and the simultaneous disdain for yet more change approaching over the horizon and my hope that it might finally get better this time. I still remember where it is and I think its still up, but I dont think ill go knocking on my old door any time soon.

Lately, Im thinking of the what-ifs and the if-onlys. Of the people ive been throughout a life full of more experiences and ups and downs in my short 27 years than a lot have been through in 80. Im not saying that to brag or anything, I mention it because its a profoundly lonely life sometimes. Theres this huge gap of cultural context between yourself and others in your own country when you grew up that way. I hear the people around me talk about how theyve never been outside canada and their idea of adventurous travel is stepping out of the Cancun resort for a day when I talk about eating fried crickets and crocodile meat straight from a market stall on a tiny Thai island that we lived on for a whole summer. I tell them the places ive been and they look at me in shock and horror, for to them the world is scary and unknown and full of criminals and pickpockets.

Its lonely when you have no one to relate to. And its lonely when you feel stuck. I had to give that life up in order to pursue transitioning. I cant hop around the globe anymore going wherever the wind takes me when most of the world's nations consider my existence a legal issue. Its complicated: I dont regret transitioning at all, but I do regret giving that life up, even if I had no choice. Its like I had to clip my own wings in order to escape the jaws of a predator. I've been traveling enough to know how to navigate those places even as a trans person, but I could never live there anymore.

I think seasonal depression is also getting to me. It's been a busy few years so I kinda stopped drawing, writing, doing fandom things, simply because adult life got in the way. I've been so busy with work, car payments, sponsorship documents, and trying to build savings in the current Canadian economy. Thankfully it's starting to stabilize thanks to the hard work of our current prime minister, but there's still a lot of work to be done. I'm actually really impressed with him so far, but I'm also realistic about the country and wider world he was given to work with and the fact that there's only so much he can do about that.

It's also been an interesting couple of days, to say the least. I won't give many details simply to respect the people who were involved in it, but it's given me some complicated feelings of resignation to the whole situation.

I think what I need to do is make a real effort to diversify the things I do day by day. Get back into art, watch more movies, play different games, talk to my friends more. Unfortunately getting out of the house isnt as easy when its -30 outside but in the age of the internet we can at least call each other or make plans at a restaurant.

I think I also need to get better at spending money. I've been on my own since I was 19 so I'm used to penny-pinching and heavy budgeting, but now I'm in a place where I'm making a surplus and good things are on the horizon. I need to get better at spending on things I want instead of sequestering every cent to the bare necessities.