You’ll Be Mine...forever And Almost Always

Not too much

Not not enough

But Enough.

Not even better than that

Just a place where I can exist where I’m enough

I had it

I lost it

I accept it

Will the memory of you

Touching my skin

Caressing every part

Kissing every inch

Grabbing tightly to every piece

Hanging on like you were afraid to let go

Or so gentle I almost cried

The way you sweat on me

The way we didn’t care that the bed was on the floor

The way you seemed like you could never get enough

The way you worshiped my body

The feeling of true peace and ecstasy at once

Chaos in my house, chaos in my relationships, chaos in my brain. So much chaos in my brain.

Is that why I only feel calm during a storm?

Is that why I chase them?

The last year I have worked deeply on myself. I found the right medication, I went to intensive outpatient therapy, I fell in love with my job, I started building my community and most importantly, I started accepting and trying to love myself. I have always felt so insecure (for all the damn reasons), but partly because gender has been such a stupid thing for me. I am starting the process of coming out as non-binary/genderfluid/whateverthefuck to those around me (they/she- both are cool, I like a mix). That is going to include my family, which I know will likely mean my dad will disown me more than he already has.

But most importantly, I’m divorcing Christian. I shouldn’t have been with him in the first place. I ran to him to escape the feelings you gave me. I ran to someone who had general same interests, seemed nice and my dad would like. I’ve regretted it since the day it happened, and I’m finally about to make it right.

I am talking to two divorce attorneys’ right now to decide who to go with. He hasn’t worked at all really, and I’ve worked full time for 7 years through 5 spine surgeries and I don’t want him taking everything.

But I’m excited to be me. For the first time, the FIRST time since I was with you, I’m happy. Like genuinely happy. I don’t want to be dead. I kinda like being alive. I kinda like being me. I’m ready to be my full self, whether I have the support system I’ve faked into or not. I can’t mask and hide anymore, in all the ways.

I’m blabbering and none of this is in orders but I don’t think you’ll ever read it, and no one else knows this exists, so who cares?

Every inkling of a crush I have, every spark of attraction, the person is just a ghost of you. The physical looks, the personality, the inherent squishiness and softness I so desperately miss. Oh Gods do I miss you. And I don’t let myself admit that anymore. But I do, so much it hurts.

I’ve never been a super cheesy ass person until you. You are the one person I believe is my soulmate in every universe, every reality, even if it’s not romantic. You get me to my soul so deeply that it aches to not be with you. The moment your eyes met mine and you smiled in Fairfax, I knew you would be special no matter what. No matter how short a time you were in my life, somehow my soul recognized yours. I don’t know how, but it did.

You probably don’t feel the same, And that’s totally fine. But in my heart, I know you are my person, one way or another.

I would love a chance to restart with you, but I know that’s less likely than winning the lottery (including now). But I had to say it all, even just to finally admit that I want you. I want to build a whole ass life with you. Tell you every secret, keep absolutely nothing and let myself fall the way I should have years ago.

I still can’t read the book you bought me for Christmas

I still can’t get rid of your pajama pants

I still can’t get your smile out of my head

I still can’t forget the feel of your lips on mine

I still can’t forget the way you felt on top of me

I still can’t not think of you when I hear love songs

I still can’t not think of you when I watch LOTR

I still can’t help but check your tumblr to make sure you’re okay

Because you are, to me. Like, I was asked about my perfect “book boyfriend” and all I could think about was you. Because you’re that to me. You’re the perfect person who can’t really exist. Because someone as perfect as you could never love someone like me.