#1-3-15

i should brush my teeth tonight

it's crazy because i know the year is 2015 but like i remember writing down the year 2010 and saying "wow it can't be 2010 already!" and now it's five years later. i really still forget that im not 13 anymore. freaky. other people my age say that they feel their age. i really don't. i don't know why though. it's just....im not 13 anymore. im not 16 anymore. im going to be 19. is that even an age??? 19...freaky. i feel like at 13 my mind was like "okay we can stop aging now." and just kinda stopped.

I may brush it off when I hear your name come out of someone's mouth and I may act like I don't give a shit about you but fuck, when I see your face it just makes me fucking sad. I get sad for so long and I never know what to do about it. Seeing you fucking hurts. I still care. I give a shit about you. I hate pretending that you don't mean a thing to me when you still mean everything to me. I feel like shit right now and all I'm doing is crying and I didn't think I would even have tears left for you. I don't know how much longer I can go on pretending like I'm okay and that you don't mean a thing to me. I just go day by day hoping that one day I won't be pretending anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of this. I feel so stupid for still wishing for you to come back knowing you won't.

idk what to do bc I've watched all the sad movies there are and I've listened to every sad song there is I'm just fucking sad as shit and I don't want to do anything about it

I'm not someone who's worth saving....I'd save everyone else, but I'm the one who died in the end...

I'm just going to curl into a ball and cry to sleep bye

In this moment, I can honestly tell you. That I’m absolutely in love with you. I just don’t know how to tell you. I’m so terrified of ruining that moment. So if you ever read this. Then you will know.