#09252020

don't try to pretend like this isn't relatable, liar

Tagged for a selfie by @ahungrymommasfitnessjourney @building-better and @chubby-bearded-nerd - thanks cuties!

Took this one yesterday while on a terribly loooong 2-hour call and then forgot to post it. Oops. Happy to say today is Friday, although I’m trying to be more mindful lately of not “looking forward” to Friday too much. I feel like I wind up putting too much weight on the weekends and I need to try to enjoy the weeks more as well. Something to strive for, I guess.

Oh! And check out this funny new sleep pattern that has emerged.

Pretty consistently for the past week+, I seem to sleep for ~5.5-6hrs one night, and then 9-10hrs the next night. Short night, long night, back and forth. On the short nights where I wake up early I wake up genuinely excited to be awake and go do something. Drink coffee, crochet, watch a documentary before work. On the other days where I sleep later, I’m not even tempted to get out of bed til I need to. So weird. The human body is funny.

This morning I laid in bed for a while with Casper, the black cat, and snuggled and grinned at the baby kicking around in my stomach. I’m starting to be able to feel him more and I never EVER thought I would be this person, but guys, it’s pretty damn cool.

So ayern nga. Wednesday night, nakatulog ako before 12mid. Tapos nagising ako 2:40am kasi nawiwiwi ako. Went to the cr, nagwiwi tapos balik sa higaan. Well, alam ko ung exact time kasi obviously, tinignan ko. Haha ang saya saya ko pa kasi sabi ko meron pakong more than 3hrs para matulog. Taposssssss paghiga ko, shutaena! Biglang sumakit sikmura ko. As in masakit. Stood up and took my med. Unfortunately, wa epek. Nakahiga lang ako. Didn't fall asleep. Till nagalarm na ng 6am, time to prep.

Called Chi, umiiyak nako sa sakit. Asked him if papasok bako kasi sympre sayang araw (tho may leaves naman ako), dami ko lang kasi pendings. Ayern, I decided not to go to work.

And yes! Sobrang love ako ni rold, buong araw sya sumakit. Until now, it really friggin' hurts! GUSTO KO NA MATULOG. GUSTO KO NA MAKATULOG. Please!

Iiyak nalang ako. AYOKO NA.

Big oops! I totally was so busy and stressed during this period of time. It was nothing but class lecture, notes, homework, and just trying to maintain a social life. I did not like this period of time, but I will continue to attempt to write to destress. I am very upset at myself, but this is kind of just something I just have to keep working on. I promise to myself that I will make sure to write consistently everyday.

Sana matapos na lang lahat ng problemang ito. Ayoko na ng ganito. Bakit ba nasa ganitong sitwasyon kasi ako? Ang gulo gulo. Hindi nila alam na mabilis magulo ung utak ko. Bahala na siguro. Parang mauulit na naman kasi ung last year na nagresign ako ng walang malilipatan. Ayoko na mastressed. Lord, hindi ba pwedeng kunin mo na lang ako habang natutulog ako? Hindi ko alam kung pano nila kinakaya ung sitwasyon o ung mga bagay bagay na nangyayari. Kasi ako hindi ko na kaya e. Siguro nga iba iba din talaga ung personality ng mga tao, hindi lahat pantay pantay ang strengths and weaknesses. Pero hanggang kailan pa nga ba? Tapusin ko na lang ba ang October? Paabutin ko lang ung 1 year ko sa company tas magpasa na ko. Ayoko na silang isipin kasi alam kong kinakaya na lang din naman nila. Kelan? Hanggang kailan? Simpleng buhay lang ang gusto ko. Bakit bakit bakit? Ayoko na talagang mabuhay. 😭

Wala akong concrete plan for myself kung umalis man ako ngayon sa company. Gusto ko lang talagang magunwind or magtime out muna. Hindi ko alam kung pano ko pa kinakaya. Please please, wag na kayong magulo. Pagod na pagod na ako. Tinitiis ko na lang kasi nga dahil siguro din sa manager ko. Hay alam kong stressed na din siya pero kinakaya nya pa siguro dahil nga may family din talaga siya, ang hirap pa naman sa panahon talaga ngayon dahil pandemya. Pero siguro kung hindi dumating tong pandemya ok ako e. Ok din siguro ung company na pinapasukan ko. Pero dahil sa pandemyang ito nagkanda.loko loko ang mga businesses sa Pinas. Hay. This pandemic should stop wag sya masyadong clingy. 😢