#06.28.19

Louis at Glastonbury | June 28, 2019

Vintage 1996 The Who Quadrophenia North American Tour T-Shirt 

Niall en route to Glastonbury | June 28, 2019

Converse Chuck Taylor 1970s Hi Top Sneakers ($69)

Soon to be covered in mud...

i glance across the street and meet a stranger’s eyes - they’re your eyes. the man sitting beside me on the subway. the barista taking my order. they’re all you. only, not in me, when i looks long and hard in the mirror. i don’t see you, then. i see something lonesome and sad. half of a human being.

when did you take up smoking. when did you start sleeping less. when did you start drinking so much coffee. when did you get so quiet. when did i lose it all? i had to fill up the empty space with something. addictions are a funny sort of thing - they trick you into believing you’re actually replacing that hole in your heart, but it’s only a matter of time before you realize that you’re just as empty as ever.

empty ink cartridges. a bottle of wine, half finished. white sheets all crumpled and cold at the foot of my bed. everything.

Sure enough, they test the fluid and I was ruptured! Right as the nurse was talking to me about admitting me, Jesse’s heart rate lowered and went completely off the monitor. She couldn’t find it and called in a doctor and about 3 other nurses who all rushed me on my side, to get an IV, and to break my water. They put an oxygen mask on me, too. It all happened so quickly and I literally freaked out so badly. Once they broke my water though, they put a monitor on him and we found out he was okay. I seriously sobbed for about 20 minutes because I have never experienced fear like that in my entire life.

I’m admitted now and my doctor orders medicine to speed it up because I was ruptured for over 24 hours and they didn’t want anymore risk of infection for me or baby boy than there already was. I swear, a hour after they start the medicine and I’m having the worst contractions I have ever felt. They gave me the epidural as soon as they could and it numbed me, but the contractions were still insanely intense for some reason. I was screaming. We were all trying to find out why I could still feel the contractions, right? Well, the nurse checked me and his head was right there. I went from 4 dilated to 10 and he was coming out in 45 minutes.

They called for my doctor and he had a bowel movement while we were waiting for her so things got a little more urgent after that, too. My doctor got there pretty quickly though and pushing was an experience I will never forget with this little guy because of the pain from the contractions. We gave up on the epidural, obviously. I only had to push about 4 or 5 times and my baby was here and perfect!

He weighs 7 pounds and 7 ounces and he is such an amazing baby. I love him so much.

We’re staying an extra night to keep an eye on his jaundice levels and to make sure neither of us have an infection. I tore in two places so I get to take care of that. It sucks, but it isn’t the worst thing in the world. Surprisingly, lol. Maybe I just remember the stitches from last time though? Who knows.

Niall at Glastonbury | June 28, 2019

Polaroid PLD6067/S Octangular Sunglasses ($65 - not available online)

They’re going to retest him and his jaundice levels at 8. One of the nurses that gave him a bath said she’s predicting that it’s going to be kinda high still and that we might be here a while..

I really hope that’s not the case because my nurse on duty said that they’re going to run these tests and hopefully discharge me tomorrow. Dx

Fingers crossed and I’ll post an update when we find out. I feel like I’m going through so many emotions and it’s hard. Too soon for postpartum depression? Because once I was alone in this room and the nurse took Jesse for his bath, I broke down.