#05s

i have an emotional attachment to sam being taller than everyone around him. how he appears to everyone as the big strong physical man but he knows that on the inside he isn't that. on the inside he feels small, repeatedly violated, not himself even in his blood, not the strong protector but the victim child. how it plays such an unspoken role in his alienation from his role in his own life, his discomfort in his own skin. and i feel like this for reasons i will not disclose

dean intentionally triggering sam's contamination ocd. intentionally spunking on the bedsheets, putting his dirty underwear on sam's clean clothes, not washing his hands after a piss just to see how sam's eyes follow everything he touches with that tight jaw and tremor in his hands. he loves to see sam tense and nervous, loves not just to make him flinch but to see that anxiety sustained for as long as he can push it, as long as sam can last without snapping and beginning his compulsions. he usually manages to hold out until dean goes to sleep before he starts wiping down the doorhandles, separating and refolding all his clothes, washing his hands over and over and muttering under his breath, and dean watches the show from his bed, self-satisfied, and thinks how lucky he is to have this perfect neurotic housewife all to himself

sam riding dean with his head thrown back big thighs pinning him down and his hands like bricks on dean's chest moaning all high pitched in bliss while dean is stony faced fighting back tears because sam told him he'd kill himself if he didn't let him do this