#025

Remi: …What’s the meaning of this? 

Are you afraid of what I can do with my hands if you set me loose? I don’t see a lake anywhere. 

Esse: It's good to know that you still have some mood for self-ironic jokes.

Remi: Ugh.

Esse: To answer your question, Jacka obligates me to tie you up during the interrogation. I can’t go against her will, sorry. 

Not because I see her as an authority, but rather because she will bring more problems to all of you if I disobey her.

Remi: You are as good as coming up with excuses as always. Let's finish this already.

Esse: Hmm…

Remi: What are you staring at? I won't hesitate to gouge out your eyes, you know. Although that won't give me any fun.

Esse: Then why do it? Isn't the point of taking your anger out on another person that it gives you relief?

Remi: Right. It doesn’t work. But trying to be friendly with you would make me feel even more sick— Ah, I guess there's no way to go around it when you simply can't stand someone.

Esse: Do you hate me because I stopped thinking of you as a Savior?

Remi: Hate? Don't think I hold such intense feelings for you. You just annoy me, is all. 

Esse: Do I annoy you because I stopped thinking of you as a Savior?

Remi: Stop repeating this stupid question. 

Esse: If I ask stupid questions, it just means that you're much smarter than me, though. Doesn't it make you feel good about yourself?

Remi: Haha.

Esse: I guess not.

Remi: Okay! Obviously, it pisses me off that you made me a Perpetrator! However, I didn't expect any other outcome, see? It's not like you're surprising me. 

It's always been easy to make me the bad one. No matter if I take things too close to heart, or approach them as carelessly as possible, I'm at fault either way.

Right, because others can just make a pitiful face and repeat “I'm sorry for being such an awful friend, and a good-for-nothing, and a failure, and needy, and—!”

But I will never do something like that, I can’t do it. So for me, everything becomes unforgivable, a point of no return.

Esse: You say it's not surprising, yet get that angry about it. Doesn't it prove that you actually hoped for a different outcome? 

Remi: No. I merely stopped my performance. A round of applause please! Ah, I can't use my hands.

You hate it when I'm doing my best to emotionally serve you. If no one needs it, then I won't waste my time and energy, either. Simple as that. 

These are my true feelings, no more and no less. No worries — that girl works great as a replacement of my past self, right? Cheers.

Esse: “That girl”... Weren't you friends?

Remi: Weren't you and Chise friends?

Esse: …Well, I mean… You were friends in the previous trial. What happened?

Remi: Are you slow?

Esse: I admitted that I have a tendency to ask stupid questions, didn't I?

Remi: Hiiro happened. Well, no matter how much of my anger I direct at her, that's not her fault at all.

Esse: Ayame stopped having time for you?

Remi: Mhm. See. There are two crucial points for her to continue caring about you as a person.

First, she must find you physically attractive.

Second, you must dedicate your life to obeying everything she says and fulfilling all of her needs.

She had her fun with us being friends, chatting about our school life and exchanging trinkets as gifts. But I don't fit either of these points, and so I'm not of any actual value for her.

How much until Hiiro stops fitting into her personal ideal, as well? She’s stingy, and I doubt she finds the discussions around her body enjoyable.

Esse: Ayame… will just continue going from person to person forever, then. As long as she feels passion, she mistakes it for happiness, but passion can't go on forever.

Remi: Go say it to her. Her life has nothing to do with me anymore.

Esse: Really? 

Remi: …

Yeah, yeah. I regret it, you know? I should have just dropped her. Should have just walked away and cut off ties.

Esse: Why didn't you do it?

Remi: Why? I wonder. Because I couldn't deal with the fact that she doesn't belong to me, I guess? 

If I just walked away…

I would continue to go from person to person, as well. Trying to find a silhouette that resembles her the most. And the pit inside of me would continue to grow. 

Esse: …

Remi: It's not like I wanted to keep on living without her as if nothing happened. It all happened exactly because I couldn't imagine living without her. 

But there's no reason that would sound fair. So why ask in the first place? Just vote me Perpetrator for one last time.

Esse: Hmm. I don't think that a reason must be objectively “fair” to be a reason that you can sympathize with.

Remi: So what? Do you sympathize?

Esse: Putting on a performance to make someone happy until it exhausts you and all you're left with are bitter feelings… Yes, I can sympathize with it. 

Remi: Ah. Yikes. First off, you said a different thing in the previous trial.

Esse: I can reflect on my opinions, can't I?

Remi: Second. Don't say that we are similar.

Esse: Why?

Remi: Have you actually ever saved anyone? No, not like that.

Have you actually ever tried to save anyone?

Esse: Eh? I… I did.

Remi: To the point of their life depending on you?

Esse: Yes…

Remi: To the point, without you, they would never be “them”? 

Esse: That… I don't know about that.

Remi: Can you imagine the weight of a human life that you must hold, on top of your own? What about several? 

Esse: …

Remi: What is your performance for? What do you want to see the other person’s happiness for? To be accepted? To be praised? To be loved? To get a meaning for your life? 

The meaning of my life goes far beyond it. And that's the difference between you and me. 

Because I'm my own person, people rely on me. You, and Ayame — are just empty flasks. Don't compare the way I care for others to your self-indulgent, performative “care”. 

Esse: Even if you say that, I have to hold several lives, and have you all rely on me, right now.

Remi: We all understand these are artificial circumstances that are forced on us, right? You're like a class representative, no more, no less. 

Esse: And you said that you wouldn't be able to live without Ayame…

Remi: I said I couldn't imagine it. That doesn't mean I actually wouldn't recover from it. She was never the one for me, anyway! …Well, I can’t think of someone as my personal ideal for longer than a month at most, so no one is.

And I was never the one for her from day one. I knew that, yet kept on pretending it's not the case.

Esse: …What really is it that you regret? 

You could continue to live without her, so you regret that you didn't just walk away.

But you wouldn't be satisfied with doing that, either? That would leave you with the feeling of no closure. 

Remi: …

Esse: She's dead. Her life is over.

And you got dragged in with her, too.

Do you regret that it's the ending you decided to give to your story?

Remi: What is the point of figuring out what I “regret”? That won’t change anything. 

Besides, there’s a thin line between being regretful and being self-pitying, and for most people they look the same. I’m not going to try and appear pathetic in your eyes just to have a chance of hearing some half-assed words of comfort.

Esse: Your pride is the most important thing for you, isn’t it.

Remi: That’s right.

Esse: But not allowing yourself to be vulnerable seems to make you lonely.

Remi: What can I do if other people won’t see me as vulnerable?

Esse: …

Remi: …

I longed to be an empty flask, too…

I wanted to bask in my self-contempt and get reassured in a warm embrace more, and more, and more. I wanted someone to guide me and fill my whole heart with them, too—

To get a meaning in my life! 

Yet I can't be hurt in a way that they can be hurt. I can’t be comforted. I can’t be reached. 

You were torn between Savior and Perpetrator, but Victim was out of the question. I saw your work notes on me. “Too much agency”. 

Esse: …Huh? Ah.

Remi: Even you, despite being looked up to, can say you're a victim of the expectations that others put on you or whatever. 

And I'm just like that, I guess. 

My “pride” is the only explanation that wouldn't make me fall into despair — that people don't want to sympathize with my pain just because it's me.

Esse: …

Remi: I don't want to be pitied. And I don't want to be loved. No more, anything of that.

The last thing I wish for is to be understood— But as we all are locked in our own views of the world, it's impossible; it doesn’t matter how much I open up or protect my heart.

And so, I am lonely indeed.

[bell rings]

Esse: In the previous trial… You said that the real reason you're here is not the murder, but that Ayame has something more to tell you.

Do you still think this way?

Remi: …

No. I'll never be the one she wants to see. 

Esse: Then what's the reason?

Remi: I don't know. I have nothing to tell her, either. Must be an error.

Esse: Hmm. Then, what do you wish for right now?

Remi: Huh?

Esse: If the whole world was coming to an end in a few hours, what would you do, or what would you want to happen?

Remi: Ah. Since it’s the last trial, you’re trying to fulfill our wishes?

Esse: It’s just a hypothetical. You can imagine that it would have happened in your average life, without TRIANTHA– 

Or if you knew that you would inevitably happen in TRIANTHA back then, and this would become the end of your world – how would you spend the last hours in the real world?

Remi: …

I would reveal everything that's been on my mind. All the writing I've never published… All the art projects that I couldn't ever begin to create. I'd send letters to the people who've left me a long time ago, and the people who stayed by my side despite everything. 

Esse: This is a classic, isn’t it? It’s a nice way to say your goodbyes.

Remi: …I think… I just want to be remembered.

Esse: …

Remi: I don’t want to know how you end up remembering me. Even if you wish you never met me in the first place and could erase your memories about me. That won’t matter to me when I’m gone.

I wish to become a part of your heart, any part of it – is all.

…No.

Esse: No?

Remi: I wish to become a part of as many people’s hearts as possible. 

Oh, maybe I should have drowned myself instead?

Esse: Haha… 

I’ll make sure to remember your wish. And I’ll make sure to remember a girl named “Remi Amano”.

Remi: I don’t like empty promises.

Esse: Hmm. If I don’t keep up to my promise, then you shall punish me. Come to me as a vengeful ghost until I memorize you properly!

Remi: Do you just want to bask in your feeling of guilt?

Esse: I guess, yeah. I've been using this trial as a chance to self-atone. And there's no way to go around it but facing the hurt you caused in others.  

Remi: You’re not actually feeling regretful. You just want to have a good image.

Esse: I won't deny it.

Remi: I hate that. I hate you.

Esse: That's okay. Next time, when you're not restricted by being a Perpetrator anymore, feel free to unleash all of your anger on me. I won't say anything.

Remi: Are you making fun of me?

Esse: No.

Remi: So, you want to use me to fuel your victim complex. I won't agree to this.

Esse: There's no way to make you like me at least a bit, huh? Haha…

Remi: …Because you remind me of her. 

Esse: Mhm. I figured. That's why I wanted you to be angry at me. I thought it could give you some relief…

Remi: …And what you did to me, reminds me of her.

Esse: You don't want me to pretend I'm doing things for your sake while possibly having an ulterior motive. Very well — I'll suggest a deal instead.

Next time…

If you are no longer a Perpetrator, let's see it as a way to say, “we give each other another chance”, and start all over again.

If I am to turn you into a Perpetrator once more… Hmm, what would it be?

I'll make myself one, too. I'll make others hate me.

Remi: …Huh?

Esse: I might use it to fuel my victim complex, but what would it matter if I won't actually be a Victim? It’s something that can only be decided by a group vote, right? 

Let's sink together. How about that?

Remi: …

That's stupid. I will only be able to see if it works or not when the time comes.

Esse: Haha, then, until that time.

Until next time!

Hairy (Coarse) - covered in coarse hairs/fur of any length

Fluffy (Soft) - soft fluff (of any length) covers the body

Leathery - a texture like leather or skin

Scaly - covered in scales

Feathery - covered in feathers

Smooth - low-friction surface, no resistance when stroking

Rough - has an uneven or irregular surface

Slimy - covered in a substance that makes it slippery

Tacky (Sticky) - like semi-dry glue; sticks to everything it touches

Rubbery - smooth and elastic, likely to stick to your hand

Spiky - sharp protrusions cover the surface