#021021

My birthday is not something that I’m looking forward to. The day reminds me of yet another year that has passed by, and I just want the day to speed by. I guess I’m getting so much more private as a person, I somehow feel that birthdate is confidential information that I don’t want just anybody to know. Personal information is personal and it should only be disclosed to those that I feel comfortable with.

There are two traits that I felt have emerged in myself, and I do not like them both. The first one is apathy, and the second one is detachment. I have gotten so good at not giving a fuck that I think I have to recalibrate and really finding the things that I care the world about. I need to care a bit more, and to really try to find excitement and joy in my everyday life. 

Here I am, writing this post down as someone who’s now closer to 30 than 20. I seriously had no particular expectation of myself at this age (well, tbh I thought I’d already be married🤪 but at least I now have a /new/ boyfriend so hopefully that stage is not too far in sight). Never thought that I’d be a working female who’s day-to-day job is taking care of a brand that develops skincare and makeup for premium muslimah community God what did I get myself into but I guess (!!) life is about saying yeses to things that you don’t really like so you can grow.

I am happy to have a side job that I really enjoy: writing a research report on women-owned businesses in Asia oh I hope this is a way to get closer to my dream of getting paid to write (or somehow crossing over to the development sector). Nothing’s impossible.  

I’ve written this several times now but I think I have to write this down again. I still plan my life in two years increment. Two years after undergrad to search for a master’s scholarship. Two years of graduate study abroad. And now, two years of corporate life, which could or could not be extended. We’ll see where life takes me, or more precisely - let’s see where I can take this life to.

I do feel that I am now a lot wiser, now a better manager of my own expectations, and a pretty reliable partner to myself. 

I am grateful of the things that I have right now, and the things that have parted with me. I am thankful that I get to understand myself a little bit better with each day that has passed. I still have lots of disappointment for my own self, truly knowing that I’m not living fully to my potential. 

But I’ll try.

I’ll give my best and not regret a single thing.