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I miss you so much. I don't care if you have to hide me from everything else in your world, I just want to be apart of it. I need you here. I have needed you for so long. I can't stand anything, it was so much easier when you were around. Please come back. I don't like exchanging glances with you like nothing has happened. Something has happened, and I need that something back.
Please. I am suffering without you.Â
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Why is it that I always have to be the one to fucking take care of you when you could give less of a shit about me. I get to pretend to be the caring one just to get your ass out of trouble. And you know, I don't get anything in return. I still do it because I impulsively can't just leave you like that even if you have fifty billion other people to call; you still yet have the obligation to have me do it. For what? A conversation started from your 'thank you.'
God I hate you. I hate myself from this too.
Ever since you left, I've found myself constantly missing you and destructing myself over it. But now that you're here, why is it that I miss you so much more than I did? It seems like you're even further away now, even when I feel your presence. How completely silly is it that when the one person that means the entire world to you is standing next to you, you feel nothing at all. I think I needed more time, more time away from you. Or maybe, I just needed to keep it that way. I just don't like it now. This. It doesn't feel right.
November.
And so the dates have changed again. I don't think I'm quite ready for it though, December was already so soon. With all that's going on right now, I'm trying to pass it by. Let time do it's work. But I cannot stop thinking about it. I love to plan things, but in this matter I just don't want the event to come. I'm glad that towards the end of this October month that some things will be over. One of these things however relates to my time without you being over.
You can't come back into my life like this, I don't want to allow you to. But what kind of control do I have? What I should be able to do is control how I feel about myself, but apparently you are the main source of all my emotions and, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this. I never know. And this is on-going, a never-ending relation of how I'm never going to ever know what to do upon these situations and these horrid things just continue to violate the being of my daily life. I can't bear with this! We are such a horrible book, with so many different chapters that end up leading no where. And I hate it. I hate this the most; I hate everything about this because it just seems to tear me apart. It's nearly impossible to break free of all of this and I don't have the will to risk myself in continuing to try anymore. I hate you, so much. And at the same time, I love you more than enough to sell my soul for you.. And that's the problem. You're unforgettable; I cannot deal with this anymore. You are what breaks me. YOU are the problem. I wish you'd stop withering through my life. I can't do this. I am so tired of you. But I can barely hold myself up, this has gone too far.Â
You left me. Right when I needed you the most, you disappeared and you left me alone to take it by myself.
I'm not letting you back in. I can't do that to myself, not again.
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How is it that you manage to pull all the strings of the emotions I carry? Why is it that you're still so important to me. You should not matter at all, but with every circumstance you come knocking right back on my door and as if it were telekinesis that you absurdly control my being to let you back into my life, as if nothing had ever happened. But in my own head it's visually mesmerizing that many things have happened, many things I still don't know what I'm supposed to feel when regarding towards them. Between us, I've always had to tell myself 'I don't know' because I never really did know. Not knowing anything at all, from what I felt to what you felt and to what was supposed to be done but never accomplished. But I do know now that I am to be stuck in this spot until something manages to pull me out; pull me away from you.
You are horrible.
But I love you.Â
It's 'her.' It's always 'her.' And what I find funny is, it's never just the same 'her.' EIther way, it's going to be 'her.' And of course I'm not 'her,' I wouldn't want to be anyway. But she is yours and I lose to 'her' once again. I can't keep up..Â
December.
There is absolute excitement in all my entity. I am finally going to breathe in the atmosphere of my actual room instead of being here in what I'm sick of trying to adjust to. Â They're ridding of my presence too, oh how I have anticipated this for the longest time now. But although that's all quite joyful for me, you're coming back. Only for a visit and that's enough until the next year when you will be here with me once again. And it means time is passing, which is really a great thing. I don't know, I mean I've always said this, but it's just everything that travels through my mind always passes you in the back of my head. And even so if at times I hate the thought of you, I do love you. As a person though, nothing much more than I did before, and I miss you. Until then, I'll cope with your in-between check-ups.
I hate the ups and downs of how you make me feel, but in this time I'm actually really happy.
