#02.11.2014

my writing is barely legible to myself –– I look in the mirror & lotion has preserved my skin but purple lips bleed, I’m bleeding and my teeth are blood-stained, I can barely recognize myself without you. my prose is getting longer filling up the space you would have occupied, always your words to say now I’m sketching your idiosyncrasy into empty pages, they have emptied my pens & I have emptied my brain –– and the freezer is empty, too, I am out of beer and intoxication –– I can’t believe I’m missing you sober the pain is amplified a thousand times also more palpable, acceptable, almost feels like you I’m no less of a person but less of a good person, I’m hardly bearable & losing decency by the second

I wish to write with unapologetic clarity, blunt truthfulness that pricks, to spill that dirty realism onto idealistic romanticism as it soaks up the old semen and stale beer I wish to write with speed and fastness, an urgency to put life in words before it decays into unretrievable pasts memories encoded in vague analog language that I can’t seem to write but –– I wish to write for myself and my sins, with selfish purpose and audacity –– for it is my own words that will make or break me –– but this grossly human narrative is made to be broken by all careless words & brave, new prose –– minds like lightning breathing fire my mind like lightning breathing fire I wish to write, write, and write some more ‘til I die from writing too much

this is not happiness, I fear –– loneliness, solitude in darkness resentment & resentment and there’s a plea –– I slept from sadness, lethargy from depression, I feel for the cavity in my heart & fish for nonsensical words, assemblage of saliva & morning breath, tongue still burned from yesterday’s coffee now hand-writing frustrations in verbatim documenting each pause in thought and hiccup for air because the lungs cry underwater, I fear this is not happiness –– suffocation, helpless civilization concrete & concrete and there’s the why eating all the life & men spitting the boneless remains