#0187

i don’t know if i can speak for him. how do you know that as soon as you die, he wouldn’t need you? i think you have it all backwards. if you were to leave him to deal with your absence, how in the world would you know that he’d be just fine?

in the coldness of my surrender, i lay awake wondering if all of my sins will be forgiven by those that i’ve hurt. my apologies seem to take me far away from this place. my messy mind is a great place, but i don’t need you to make my bed for me. if you were to take a pen out of my room, i hope you’re prepared to deal with the burden of being me. my heart grows a tad bit bigger every time 4 am strikes and i’m all alone again. i’m sorry starts to sound so damn pretty— where did we go wrong? my love, you’re too far for me to reach you, but still i’d try. i’m too anxious and too shy to forgive myself for how i couldn’t love you enough. if i lived the rest of my days by your side, could you love me as well?

too selfish sometimes, too selfless sometimes. too rowdy sometimes, too quiet sometimes. too sober sometimes, too high sometimes. too fucked up to be right, too lonely to not see you tonight. too many tears, too many fears— my heart is broken and i’m all tattered, my soul has been yours before. you know the first time i talked to you. i felt so much clarity that it truly scared me. and in truth, you still fucking care for me— living proof that no matter how hard it gets, your love makes me feel so fucking alive.

i desire you, i hate you. i want you, i don’t need you. i feel so confused about you sometimes, but somehow— you always make me come around. maybe it’s your smell, maybe it’s the way that you laugh at my conversations— maybe it’s the way that you look at me when i least expect it, maybe it’s the way that you view the world when everything is going to shit. maybe it’s how you always show up when i say that i don’t fucking need you. your persistence is your charm— your consistency is the sexiest part of you. living proof that i could die right now, but i’d still be happy to have met you in this single lifetime. no matter how tiny we really are in the grand scheme of things... the cosmos, the burning stars, the black holes. your love is a jungle full of life and i can’t wait until we’re free at last.

|Day 187|