#01.05.2023

All that being said, it feels like I'm putting myself into an unhealthy situation by agreeing to get a place with my parents next month. I can't help but feel like this is going to be a big mistake in the long run. It took me 12 years and moving 350+ miles away for me to finally have a tolerable relationship with my parents. Like, we're not going to get family portraits done anytime soon, but we're definitely not where we were 12 years ago. The day before I moved out my father literally spent 2 hours yelling at me, shaming me, and blaming me for... whatever he could at the time. I didn't leave on the best terms. But being away from him, and only really talking to my mom and seeing my dad once a year (sometimes every other year) really did wonders for my mental health.

Going back to being under the same roof as he feels like I'm taking a million steps backwards. Like that progression I've made with working on my mental health is going to be lost when he starts putting the emotional regulation onto me. He already does this to my mom, and other people. He makes regulating his emotions everyone else's responsibility. It's always exhausting just existing in the same space as him because you're just waiting for him to throw a temper tantrum. And for me it feels even more exhausting because I'm waiting for his temper tantrum to be somehow my fault.

I feel like I'm always going to be in fight or flight mode once we all move into together. I feel like I'm going to be mentally drained at the end of each day trying to regulate his emotions and trying to defend my life choices. I'm about to be 32. I don't need to be fighting everyday with anyone about what I do with my time or money. I don't need to explain myself and decisions to someone every day. And I know how my father is, he will expect me to do this every day. He can't exist unless someone else is miserable. He's an asshole to literally everyone.

But we can't stay in our current place anymore. Not just because it is also mentally exhausting but it's physically killing us. It's unsafe for our health in every way possible. Living with my dad is just unsafe for my mental health. Though he was physically abusive growing up (I truly do not care how much my family tries to gaslight me into believing him hitting me was "normal" it was abusive!) but I'm a grown adult now. I'm not a scared child anymore. So, I don't really fear for my physical safety. However, mentally is another story.

I hope I'm wrong (I know I'm not though) and maybe he'll be different now (he's not) but based on all the experiences I had growing up, I've witness now as an adult, and what my mom has confided in me about I know he hasn't changed. I'm going to do my best to stay out of his way and maybe he'll stay out of mine. I have to remember that now is different. Now I have my partner with me. I have someone on my side who will always back me up. I have a safe place to come to at the end of the day.