You can never be too careful when it comes to getting close to people.
Motives are hard to spot. Undercurrents can and do twist every expectation. You can be close to people without becoming vulnerable to these things -- That idea sits strong, but it’s still.. saddening... to think anything might be fake.
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... It’s a stupid thing to try to measure though, isn’t it? Even the blades of grass occasionally gifted underfoot are synthetic. Every star up there was painted on by a bored hand plastering up the decorations. Balancing what’s fake and what’s real here is a fool’s errand... You can only take what you’re given.
She’s.. lucky. In a place like this, to have found people who... For whom she’ll build a stupid ice rink on the offhanded request of, and then find herself so excited to show to two other particular names, even knowing their reactions tend to be small~ To have people she can look forward to playing with so much, instead of feeling anxiety as with others. To have a string of people that even come to mind when the words ‘best friend’ pop up, whether or not reciprocated, whether or not meaningful...
Honestly.. She’s lucky to have people that make her heart betray itself and its promise to not pick favorites.
“That’s what you’re telling yourself now?”
“.... I know...”
He sat, crouched, pressing hands together in a way that hung between his knees. It’s been a while, since she’d seen one seated in a way that felt just so y̸̖̾o̷̰͒ͅu̷͙̍̚._..
“That you’re lucky? That they’re your friends?”
“...”
“They’re not even the ones tricking you. 9687308742546408436.
“Look, I just... don’t like you that way... I don’t mind if you’re gay, just... Can we just be f̶͚͈̞͚̓͆r̸̳̠̓͛̕ͅi̶̺̘̲̊̄̇̍͜e̷̻̻̅̽̃̕ṇ̶̨͓̽d̵̯͈̲̓s̵̏̍͗̓ͅ...?”
“You’re really so mixed up over a stupid heartbreak? Who cares if you got dumped.
“What if she’s watching right now? You think she’ll be flattered or creeped out?”
“...”
“Look, there’s a thousand and one other paths out there” He shifted to sit beside her, and lifted a hand to point out the broken glass. “Maybe in one of them, you’re married on a farm with her. In this one, you’re broken up about her long after she forgot you existed. Who cares? There’s other things to worry about.”
His hand rolled around to palm-up, and curled into a fist. “If you keep wasting time on these things, you’re gonna get crushed~ Is that how you wanna go?”
“... No... I know...”
“Other people’s opinions don’t matter. This whole ‘show’ doesn’t matter. The world begins and ends with you, so if you’re gonna survive it, you gotta let these things go.”
“... Why do you hang out with me, then..?”
“... Heh~ You’re the only one that listens.
“Plus, you keep coming to me~”
“I’m not sure... We should keep hanging out so much... I’m sorry-?”
...
... You were... right, is the worst part.
Tons of people probably find me annoying, just like tons probably find me appealing.
I get fan letters all the time, and people around here usually seem happy to see me, even though all they do is see me...
Even if I don’t talk to anyone like I did with you, anymore... Even if a lot of things are on the surface, that’s where the water feels best. It doesn’t really matter.
Your harsh tones bring to light the same things I already know. Just, the truth tastes really bitter sometimes. You seemed so comfortable with it... Your entire self was bitter, though. I wanted you to be happy-- I rarely made you happy...
You still kept talking to me, though. That was enough. You seemed.. to both love and detest me at once. Like I was your pesky little sister or something. You had... so many bitter truths in you to share with me. I’m still trying to swallow them all down, but you had something to say. Something you really wanted someone to hear.
Who cares.... It doesn’t matter .... In your own world, what really matters is yourself. Without that, there’s nothing.
So... Why did you kill me, then...?
... ‘Lucky’ ... Or maybe dumb... But who cares. To me, to my world.. I just can’t get away from the value of these connections. Good and bad. I want to play with them, I want to have fun and hug and love, and I want to listen to everybody’s words. You.. had something to say. You haunt me, but I’m still glad I heard you. I’m glad I can carry your messages with me, I’m glad I still think about them and what they could have meant... I’m glad I try to do that with others, too... ... I want to carry as many as I can hold.
To make up for a lack of ‘me’? You’d suggest something like that... Maybe it is the case. But everybody has something to say, and I have a lot of room in myself to carry the words and ideas.
I don’t know.. if I have anything to say.. I don’t know what people will hear after I’m gone. I don’t know how they see me, what they take from me... If they care to take anything...
.. But... If it’s as ‘surface-level’ as laughter and hugs and this feeling of ‘love’... Well... The most comfortable place is at the surface of the water. Where sunlight hits and we can bask in the warmth.
And personally, I rather like the sunshine I have found myself in-
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