Romance within the Aromantic Community
Pt: Romance within the Aromantic Community /End Pt
Considering it's aromantic week, I want to talk about something I've been noticing more and more as time goes on. And that is how all or nothing the community is becoming.
I feel like most people are aware of the push between "you can still date if you're aro" (often used as an excuse that aro people can still be "normal") vs "stop putting aro characters/people into relationships" (often also used without recognition of complexity). Both are certainly important when used with the nuance, but the increase in just the concepts spreading without genuine conversation of what these phrases are about (aromanticism is a spectrum, and aromantic people don't need amantonormativity to be happy) has been lost. The general narrative for the whole aromantic community, and I am talking about it as it exists as a spectrum here, is that you either have to fall into alloro norms, or be strictly aro without romantic connection.
And as an aro whose "default" is attraction, this makes it extremely isolating. I'm lithromantic, meaning I feel attraction until it's reciprocated, at which point it's lost. Because of this I will never have an alloro experience. I will always have that fear of hurting someone even if I was explicit that any relationship is just for fun. I will always have that experience of feeling broken, like I just can't commit, of forcing myself into relationships just because it's the "right" thing to do, even when it hurts. Sound familiar? A lot of those are some of the most common queer experiences, especially aro experiences in this specific case. However many times I don't feel welcome in the aro community.
There is a big push back that romance is evil, no romo, love loses, common phrases you see for any aro rep. Which to a degree is understandable. When you have something pushed on you so strongly your natural instinct after you stop trying to obey is to reject the idea entirely. To completely detach yourself from the concept. And for many people, who don't experience romance in any sense of it, they don't have a reason to examine this. It works for them. It's just a fun bit. But that doesn't erase the invisibility it increases for the rest of the community.
I am someone who heavily enjoys romance, and who loves more than standard due to disorders. But to call me allo in any sense of the word is just inherently erasive of my experiences. And it's not just me. Some other aro identities who have a more "default" of no attraction (such as demiro) are given more representation, until they start having the attraction. All the conversation is about how that lack of attraction is "abnormal" but there's barely any mention of how that attraction that is had is still "abnormal". How that difference doesn't go away when they "get closer to alloro".
So much of the aromantic community is brought together by an atypical relationship with romance compared to amantonormative standards. But recently that's just been simplified to a lack of attraction. Dismissing how many other ways an atypical relationship with romance exists.
While I cannot speak for the whole spectrum, I do know from many conversations that a lot of others can resonate with the feeling that there is something inherently unique about having romantic attraction while on the aro spectrum. That it's something that can not be easily understood, if at all, by alloromantics. As well as there being many common underlying experiences. A fear or uncertainty of acting on the attraction should the recipient not fully understand the nuance that comes with it. For some a worry of hurting others should they act on the attraction due to knowing it is prone to fading out. A wondering if this is actually attraction, or if we're miscontextualizing our feelings. If this attraction is the one that will last, or if we didn't actually feel attraction before hand.
This doesn't even take into account people whose attraction changes under certain circumstances, but doesn't necessarily ever lose it. A feeling of your attraction not quite belonging to you. That since it's dictated by others you must just be people pleasing. That fear of what will become of it should this person leave your life. Or when you only have attraction to specific things, which might be considered normal if it's a certain gender but is seen as abnormal when it's to something such as fictional characters. That outside perspective of being gross or perverted. Or of just being fixated with fairy tales one can never have. That there is an expectation to "grow up". A fear of ever talking about your attraction should it become a moral discussion. And of course the discussion stops far from here. There are so many ways to experience romantic attraction while still being aromantic. I couldn't even begin to name them all. However I heavily encourage you to name yours, and have discussions around it.
There are so many ways that romantic attraction deviates from amantonormative standards specifically within the aromantic community. Yet we've seemed to lose much of the conversations surrounding this in favour for the much easier understood concept of romance is not needed to be happy. Which again, is not to say that conversation isn't also important, just that it should not be the only one. There should be conversations about how romance doesn't look one way. That there should be no standard. How to support those whose romantic attraction does differentiate from the norm, and how certain romantic relationships are no more valid than others.
In the end, there are a lot of ways that aromanticism looks. And while that concept is understood, the actual way that looks is often forgotten in a push between "looking normal" when having attraction vs being more acceptable for not having any attraction in the least. We as a community desperately need to start understanding an atypical relationship with romance doesn't inherently mean none. And that aro can and does still equal having romantic attraction for many.
Happy Aromantic Week to every aro that feels romantic attraction.
