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i never want to leave the house ever and i keep avoiding going out with my friends bc i like just sitting in my room and daydreaming/drawing, also bc last time i went out in public with my friends i fucking hated it bc one of my friends tried to get me to talk with one of their coworkers and i hate talking to people and IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING BC THEY HAD TO ASK FOR ME IF THEY HAD CARB INFORMATION. (i’m type one diabetic) ughhh this happens every time i leave the house and i need to ask, someone else always does it for me bc i fucking shut down and refuse to talk to anyone bc it feels like they’re judging my every movement and they’re going to criticize me.

and there’s this that’s been stewing in my mind for months; i was talking to one of my friends abt how i wouldn’t mind being in a romantic relationship (or at least the concept of being in one, if that makes sense, i’m not completely aromantic but whatever) and they said “why don’t you just try to meet new people? or use an app?” ID RATHER DIE. i don’t want to make new friends, i fucking hate people, and GO ON A DATE????? I WONT EVEN TALK TO SOMEONE UNTIL IM 1000 PERCENT SURE THEY WONT REJECT ME, AND EVEN THEN ACTUALLY BECOMING “FRIENDS” WITH THEM IS A 1 OUT OF 100000 CHANCE. but of course i said none of that bc why on gods green earth would i tell them how i feel abt anything. that’s a recipe for disaster.

only reason i ever entertain a conversation with any of my “friends” outside of my friend group is for supply. every time i see someone i recognize in public i feel like crawling into a hole and dying.

sighhh idk what it is. i have therapy today but i rarely ever talk abt how i feel on a deep “emotional” level bc i just end up ranting about something that is moderately annoying me.

i’m just so tired of putting on an act for everyone. i just feel shitty constantly and so disconnected from how i “actually feel.” had to talk to doctors yesterday bc of chronic pain and they asked how i felt abt something and i paused for like 30 seconds and said “neutral???” idk man i dont really feel much.

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that being said, i’ll give an actual confession to make up for it: i can’t stand when people vent to me. shut up shut up I DONT CAREEE. but then i get mad when people don’t respond to my vents to comfort me because i am clearly the most important person here.

once again, i am so sorry 😭

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first of all, to point out the obvious, “…and if i did, you deserved it” is very clearly about narcissism. you’d know that just by looking at the title, which is from a poem called “the narcissists prayer” (although that poem isn’t the greatest, and the reception of it is even worse considering people use it as an excuse to shit on ppl with a trauma based disorder, but that’s a tangent for another day). it is genuinely one of, if not THE most accurate portrayal of npd i’ve ever seen, at least when it comes to my personal experience. it’s not just “oh la la la i’m the best!!!!” it delves into the darker side of narcissism, the self loathing, because you’re not good enough. the lyrics “and if looks could kill i’d be staring in the mirror, even more than i already would, ‘cause man, i’m lookin’ good!” remind me of conflicting ego states, specifically narc highs and crashes. he really hit the nail on the head.

but that’s not all, of course he had to make a song that perfectly encompasses bpd as well!!! in my humble (and correct /silly) opinion, “against the kitchen floor” does an absolutely incredible job of highlighting my bpd experience. some lyrics include:

“i could hold your hand but keep you at arms length” “that morbid sort where even company can’t cure me and the more you reassure, the less i trust” “i’m catatonic in your arms, crying, ‘how did i cause so much harm?’” and “i’m down pounding my head against the kitchen floor, apologizing for my life and ever entering yours.”

there’s more but i’ve already written so much 😭 it’s really refreshing to see accurate and respectful portrayals of personality disorders in media (even if that wasn’t his explicit goal with “against the kitchen floor”) sorry for yapping so much, just wanted to share my thoughts :3

and who knows? maybe this rant will get someone into will wood, lol. he’s been a comfort artist for me for years so hopefully that can be the case for someone else

ONCE AGAIN I AM SO SORRY ABOUT HOW LONG IT IS LOLLL

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also thanks for the response on my last ask, i’m glad at least someone cares :)

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Of course! 🩷

been bed rotting for weeks because i’m so bored and don’t have the energy to get up because it all feels worthless. idk what to do because it feels like no one really cares.

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Your friend sounds like they suck… You shouldn’t have to tell someone who’s supposed to care about you multiple times to stop doing something

first of all; no shes not??? second of all, all they ever say about her is how much they hate her so why the hell would you compare me to that ☠️ also what the fuck do you mean “deal with” me? i’m your friend, i’m not something you’re supposed to “deal with”

so goddamn exhausting

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