#stnafgame

you don’t know how long you’ve been crying, the process becoming all too familiar. you get much too deep in your head, attempting to shove yourself away from falling into that hole of despair again. that's until you can no longer push the thoughts aside anymore, throwing all of your defenses down and unwillingly letting them consume you.

you violently claw at your throat, gasping for air as you stop breathing from wailing so loudly. you violently shake as you rock back and forth on the floor, a hand clutching at your clothed chest while the other grips at your hair.

you sob into your sleeves, hoping to find something to hold onto to steady yourself.

the echoes of your self-criticism drowned out your desperate attempts. no matter how tightly you wrapped your arms around yourself, peace felt unreachable.

while you fight with your own sanity, you didn't- couldn't realize that just outside your apartments front door, friend stood hesitantly, an odd feeling in his gut.

he stares down at his spare key, the relic of the deep bond between the both of you. he adored how much you trusted him, holding such a trophy a bit way too high on his shoulders.

friend had almost sensed the shift in your mood over the past few days. your texts had become sparse, calls were either short or left unanswered. he attempted to ask you what was happening, in his own, signature way. convincing you to let him in on what’s going on, but you continued to stay distant, “afraid of burdening him.”

the weight of your sadness yanked at his own heart, and he simply couldn't live without you talking to him any longer.

with a gentle turn of the pretty purple key, he sighs softly as he steps into your apartment, eyes scanning the familiar space.

lined with memories. the laughter you shared, the late-night talks filled with sincerity and comfort.

today, though, friend found it eerily quiet. a bit messy, but unusually silent.

he felt his heart sink straight to his feet, immediately realizing something was horribly wrong.

“sweetheart?” he calls out softly, wishing for any sort of response.

he slowly makes his way further inside, each step he takes is weighted with unease.

the bag of snacks he’d brought, all of your favorites, crinkles in his hands as he continues down the hall, the sound being drowned out by the dread forming in his stomach.

as friend approaches your closed bedroom door, he pauses once more, finally hearing the muffled sounds on the other end that sent a jolt of anxiety through him. they were unmistakably sobs, deep and broken, pouring from the only person he cared for in the world.

the gut-wrenching sobs from the one he lived for.

it drove him mad.

his heart audibly pounds against his rib cage at the thought of you in pain. in any form.

friend lingers for a moment, practically in shock, fighting the urge to just rush inside. yet, his instincts told him to move cautiously.

determined, he reaches for the doorknob, until pausing once more, suddenly tuning into the heartbreaking words spilling from your lips.

“i can’t d-do it!!” you choke, “why can’t i-i settle d-down!?”

you gasp, your throat raw and your voice hoarse as your hands clasp at the floor beneath you.

each statement cut deeper than the last. overwhelming waves of distress washed over friend, threatening to pull him under. your heaving and stuttering made him physically sick. your words echoed in his heart, feeling as though he’s failed to protect you.

friend has always adored you, especially when the both of you were kids. he's always cherished you, even though for a long while he was unable to express himself properly.

since then, friend has grown. he's learned to love, properly. he's learned to communicate, learned to warm up. he’s even taught himself how to treat you properly, like royalty. he's made a life and a living for you, offering a future for you both to enjoy. to have you spoiled every chance he gets.

he'd only pushed forward because you gave him an opportunity. you made him into somebody. you gave him a name, an escape.

you gave him a chance, and like hell he would let you slip away.

with a deep inhale, friend shoves the door open with a bit of force. the sight that met him nearly took his breath away.

there you were, such a beautiful soul trapped in a storm of such consuming emotions, tears streaming down your cheeks, your eyes glassy and bloodshot. you lay against the farthest wall, hoodie atop your head with your stare at the ceiling.

you looked so fragile, and friend knew he’d just felt his heart shatter in his hands right then.

“sweetheart..” he murmurs, dropping the bags in his hands without a second glance. his voice is barely above a whisper, filled with so much concern and affection.

you shift your gaze, eyes blown wide, startled by his presence. the moment your eyes met, the floodgates opened again.

you buried your face in your hands for the hundredth time today, mortified to be seen so vulnerable.

“no!! god- friend, you s-shouldn't be in here r-right now!” you cry, shame washing over you in waves.

you're gasping for air between your words, and friend closes the distance between the both of you in an instant. he kneels before you as he gently pries your hands away from your tear-streaked face.

“there's no need to hide, sweet-thing. i'm here now.”

his voice was so soothing, providing you a distraction, and despite your initial resistance, you could feel the tension in your body slowly begin to ease. he begins to cradle your hands in his own, thumbs brushing over your delicate skin as he searches your eyes for a glimpse of the warmth you always radiated.

“you can let it all out,” he encouraged softly. “you don’t have to carry anything alone. i'm not going anywhere.”

his gentle touch ignites a glint of consolation within you, and it was as if his reassurance gave you permission to feel.

with a choked sob, you lean into him, allowing your tears to flow freely. your head immediately finds its way to drop in the crook of his neck, sending chills down his spine. you were so worn out and tired.

friend envelopes you with open arms, grasping your figure tightly against him, as if to shield you from anything and everything.

“i-i don’t u-understand..” you heave onto his skin, voice muffled, yet laced with genuine confusion. “why i-is this hah-happening to me?”

“it's happening because you’re human, name. it hurts because you care so deeply,” he replies, massaging the back of your head. “you aren’t alone, and you will never be alone. no matter how ugly it gets, i want you to come to me.”

his heart aches for you, and with every swayed breath, friend felt the overwhelming need to protect you. not just from other people, but from the internal darkness that clouded your own mind.

you shiver against him violently, not just from the sudden chill in the air, but from the deep sense of vulnerability.

“i'm so-sorry for being such a-a bu-burden,” you mumble, guilt creeping along.

“no.” he speaks firmly, pulling back slightly to look into your eyes. “you will never be a burden to me. sweetheart, you mean everything to me, you're not some chore." he speaks, wiping a stray tear off of your heated cheek.

"i want you to share everything with me. please," he clutches your tense hand. "you can’t apologize for needing support, love.”

you search his sincere gaze, looking for any trace of judgment. yet, all you could find was such... an intense devotion staring right back at you.

even in this broken moment, the love in his eyes refreshed your aching heart.

taking a long, deep breath, your eyes gently flutter shut.

“i'm- i'm scared,” you confess, voice trembling. “sometimes it-it feels like these thoughts are the only thing wi-with me, and i never know how to handle them.”

his expression softens even more as he lowers both arms to wrap around your waist, grounding you in his embrace.

“i understand,” he says gently. “but, you need to remember that these feelings will pass. a day will come where you don’t have these episodes anymore.” he smiles, massaging the small of your back.

“you are so strong. you have your entire life ahead of you, name. i can’t have you giving up on me that easy.” he chuckles, nuzzling into your hair. “we'll make it out, together.”

as friend spoke to you, so sweetly and sincere, you could feel as if there was a flicker of hope within. such a small, yet bright light that tampered with the shadows.

maybe life didn’t have to be so lonely, and for the first time in what felt like forever, you allowed yourself to believe that healing was possible. healing was within reach.

you both remained nestled together, the weight of the world momentarily thrown out the window in the warmth of your connection.

in this sacred space, minus the chaos of your thoughts, you felt safe, shielded by your best friend’s unwavering presence.

after some time, your voice became much steadier.

“thank you for being here,” you quietly whisper, friend barely catching it.

“i always will, sweetheart,” he replies with a smile, kissing the crown of your head tenderly. “i'll always be with you, remember that.”

as you sit together, friend carefully adjusts the two of you a bit, gently bringing you along so that your head rests carefully against his chest.

now, you can hear the steady beat of his heart. such a simple, reassuring sound that reminded you, you were alive.

a reminder that despite the madness swirling around you, you at least had one person who cared so deeply.

the clock above continued to tick, and he could gradually hear your breaths began to sync with his own, calm and steady.

with each passing moment, the storm that had once roared across your mind began to weaken. of course, it would take more than one encounter to push away the shadows... but, the mere idea that you no longer had to face shifted something within you.

“do you want to talk about what’s been going on lately?” friend questions, fingers tracing patterns on your clothed back, an action meant to soothe you rather than press. "or we could find something fun to do."

you hesitate, your thoughts and emotions still raw and tangled, but the warmth of his embrace encouraged you to share.

“sometimes.. it feels like i'm drowning,” you begin softly, voice wavering as you attempt to piece together your scattered feelings.

“i know i have you to support me, i'm- so thankful... but it's when- when i topple into.. episodes like these, it’s... it’s just so hard to reach out.”

“mhm..” he hums gently, stroking his fingers up and down your spine. “but you don’t have to wait until it hurts so much you have nowhere else to go. reach out to me, day or night. i'm your safe place. you can always count on me.”

his promise circles around your heart, caging you in. healing, in a world filled with uncertainties was so intimidating, but the reassurance of having friend by your side made it a little lighter to bear.

“i’ll try as hard as i can,” you say, determination threading through your voice. “i promise, seriously.”

“good,” friend replies, placing another kiss atop your head. “that's all i ask of you, sweetheart. one step at a time.”