#-lilly

I'm less confused by the old memories than the new.

I know I am infintecimally small when compared to this vast universe. I know I live in an indifferent world, yet I sit her wondering why. Why has this or that happened? Why? Why not? However I'm feeling numb to it now. Becoming the world in which I was forced to reside: Indefferent. My indifference is not intrinsic though, it's massively situational. Now and probably for a short while longer I am indifferent and numb. I will take what has been given to me and appreciate that it is there while I have it. While losing what I have will upset me I believe that just appreciating what happened is more than enough to cheer me up. This world and this life will continue to confuse me and pick apart all that I am, but at least it won't bother me as much as it used to.

My brain is like a cloud. a cloud filled with water and dust soon to be rain, sleet, or sometimes hail. The past 24 hours have been riddled and ripe with anxiety, but now I feel nothing. Like preparing for a sneeze that never came. The rain had gathered the storm was brewing, yet here I sit dry and warm. The thunder may still echo through the clouds but it's nothing new. Things happen in life, and I'm going to choose to not let these things ruin me. If the rain comes then let it pour. Let all the pent up emotions fly through my head like a hurricane, but let me retain who I was before the rain. Let the waters flood my conscious thought, let it soak into every fiber of me, but let the water damage show. Let all the pain and grief be marked into the walls of my body and soul. Let those marks be a lesson to the me I want to be. Let the rain drizzle till it ends and the clouds can part again so I can be the sunshine that they know and love. Let me be the sunshine I love. Don't let the rain ruin my day, because soon there will be a rainbow and a beautiful bird song.... I always loved the smell of rain anyway.