#--vent

dad's throwing temper tantrums cause we aren't giving him enough attention (cause he makes it difficult to do so)

and is threatening to off himself again and making grand statements of how he's planning on leaving, even if it means he's gotta crawl out the door just to guilt trip us

I'm so goddamn tired of him treating us like garbage simply cause he refuses to make any sort of improvement with his life and no matter how hard we try he continues to fight against us helping him

wish I could say his words don't affect me but a bitch is sensitive and I've given myself a stress headache from crying all evening lmaooooooo

my fragile mental state didn't need this tbh but guess we're back on the hating myself for not being the perfect son and wanting to just kill myself train

I wonder. Would death separating us be a mercy upon you? Would it be less painful for me than to keep being your loyal hound?

Painfully yours, forever and always,

had to make the difficult decision to put down our youngest dog today

out of no where he violently attacked our smaller elder dog the other day and not only drew blood but left him pretty badly wounded

he's been known to be a bit mouthy but whatever the fuck that was? that wasn't normal even for him thankfully our smaller dog is doing ok, he's still badly shaken up but should make a full recovery

I'm just....really fucking devastated man

whelp dad's back in the hospital again

this time because of a raging infection that he refused to take either my brother's or I's advice to address, believe me we TRIED and he was still refusing assistance when bro finally just had enough and called an ambulance for him

I am so so thankful for the paramedic who came and was very stern and direct with my father in telling him he was incredibly ill and needed to go now to get the help he needed cause what he has is not something he can just ignore or try to treat on his own the paramedic was also super sympathetic and understanding of us and our attempts to get him help and pointed out that our father's refusal and inaction led down this path and told us we couldn't have done anything more to prevent it and they'll do what they can to get him to people who can help him

I'm likely naive for thinking this trip will be any different than the other's but I really hope it helps my dad realize he needs help and we cannot keep going with how things have been. He needs medical assistance from people qualified to help him not his two adult children who only have google and the small bits of info he gives us from his 'doctors' (he's known to lie to us to get his way but we just have to accept it as truth cause we aren't privy to his medical info or allowed to contact his doctors so yup)

am really struggling to keep my shit together lmao

I'm putting on a brave face and hoping against hope things will be ok but I just don't know wtf is gonna happen and what I'm gonna do brother is moving out, he's the only one between the three of us who works and can drive once he leaves I'm going to have to become my father's full time carer and ??? figure out?? what to do to raise money to keep us afloat I don't know what's gonna happen next year when we can't afford to pay our house rent, utilities or taxes I don't know what's gonna happen when I can't travel to my doctor apps or help my dad get to his or how we'll get groceries or anything outside of getting delivered it which would only cost more money that we don't have money I can't earn cause I can't leave my dad alone nor can I get a job without a drivers license anyway it's not my brother's fault it's mine for not being smart, for not thinking ahead for assuming we'd live how we have been until my father died and even then I didn't think what would happen when he did, I've lived in ignorance to everything for years and having it all hit me that I could be homeless with a bed ridden elderly father is just...really rough lmao

can only hope things work out in the end or I can ??? figure something out

it wasn't until yesterday when I heard the parade and realized the annual festival was in town that I started to finally connect why I've been feeling so immensely out of it and honestly just so desperate to talk with others by joining in vcs more, being more chatty and stepping outside of my comfort zone more and more and finding anything to latch myself onto so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts (hence the return to turbo hyperfixation)