#--c.r.

i started hearing someone in my head talking to me some time ago, making occasional commentary; it was very strong at first, then it got harder to communicate over time. i know his name and the things he likes, it's just hard to hear him during the very rare occasion he does show up now. and i also get scared of trying to reach out, because i worry that if he only shows up when i want him to, then this is all “not real”.

the only other person i know the name of is this girl who barely talks at all, and rarely showed up even when communication was easier. she was very sweet though, and cared a lot when i was in pain.

i'm vaguely aware of others, at least 2 more, but i know nothing about them and am only aware they exist because of the rare occasion that i notice a thought that isn't mine. when i focus on it, the thought quickly fizzles out.

i dont think i experience anything similar to what switches sound like. at the very least, im always present. at most, i can have moments where i feel spaced out (like a mushy, head-empty feeling), my senses get dulled, and i become unsure of myself and who i am. but i dont feel like im watching myself move externally, nor that im particularly no longer present.

i barely remember the feeling after, but i also barely remember anything in general including what i was doing 10 minutes ago. never had good memory. 3 cheers for adhd!

oh, i should mention the dulled senses are not caused by a gas leak! i checked dw ^^;;

less often, itd feel like im being pushed toward an action, or like an emotion is being draped over me like a blanket. if that makes any sense.

when i think about it, ive never really felt any connection to the body im in, moreso that its a vessel for me to explore the world and do the things i love. i figured it was part of me being nonhuman but it may be worth mentioning here.

to be honest, i dont think id particularly mind if i ended up plural. theres comfort in knowing that i dont have to be totally alone. but i think part of what makes it hard to conceptualize is that it feels very sudden, and im constantly worried about whether the people around me will also think its very sudden. like wondering why this sort of thing would be happening now of all times, and not earlier. the communication getting worse doesn't help with doubt either. what are your thoughts?

Hello there! I understand your worries. In fact it's almost uncanny how similar some of our experiences are to yours!

I think, in complete honesty, you're plural. There doesn't have to be much more to it than that, regardless of whether you switch "typically" or at all, or how your communication is, you're plural if you believe that and it feels right.

I understand the Very Sudden feeling you're describing, it's a new thing, and it means a lot of new things with it, and there's definately a "Why Now" that will accompany it all. But that's not a bad thing! Who knows why Now, you might find out or you might not, I think what's important is not Why Now but "Oh! This is happening Now!" y'know? Focus on your headmates, your system, the Now, and less on definites whys. Also I get it, other people will have their opinions, what's important is you stay true to yours and what matters to you.

Doubt is something that can take time to overcome, it's something that seems to come along with everything. Doubt is natural, and is definitely not a sign you're not whatever you're doubting, plurality included!