#*writes this*

War had been the only card game I could think of that might actually get him out of his head. Definitely the only one I was pretty sure he knew. It was a simple, dumb game with no strategy, no bluffing, no prediction. I think he was trying to anyway, counting cards a bit, but there was nothing to do about it. You put the next card down, that’s all there is to it.

I think I’d rattled him a little with the visualizing thing. I hadn’t even been sure he’d be able to see it if I implanted an image, but I knew he had by the bewilderment on his face. And oh my god, I’ve never seen him bewildered. Occasionally I’d seen him surprised, plenty of times he’s been frustrated, maybe even confused in a flustered way. And it was so fun, he was capable of bewilderment,there were things he didn't know. Of course, there were plenty of things I thought he was wrong about, and I knew in a way he was sheltered… was sheltered the right word? His world and perspective was narrow, specialized. 

We flipped over cards, my jack beating his 5, and I swiped the cards off the bed and put it in my pile. He was intently watching the space in front of us, waiting for me to flip over the next one, but I had to pause to jog my pile, and it was kind of interesting to look at him when he was focused on something but not focused on it. Usually his intense look made me uneasy, but right now it didn’t. 

I flipped over my top card and he flipped his. I stared at the cards for a second, and he broke his gaze to look at me.

“It’s a 9, you get it.”

I smiled, laughing at myself, and grabbed them. I hadn’t been sure it was a 9 or a 6, but either beat his 4 anyway. We kept going, a steady rhythm of flipping and grabbing, but when I paused, staring at a 7 and a 3, he chuckled at me.

I took the cards and shot him a playful glare. 

“Do you need to review your numbers?” he asked, a grin pulling at his mouth, and he was teasing me and it just made me smile more.

“I haven’t taken a math class in two years,” I said, defending myself.

“And in that time have you not encountered numbers?” He flipped over another card, and we continued playing, and I tried to think of a good retort, but our numbers matched, so we declared war and he took the pile. “Hey.”

“Not my fault, it’s the cards.”

“Bad cards.” I’d run out so I grabbed my discard pile. 

“They’re your cards.”

“They’re the hotel’s cards,” I corrected, then remembered. “Actually they’re the last hotel’s cards.”

Terran paused and looked at me, raising an eyebrow. I raised mine mischievously. It’s been an accident, I’d swiped everything off the bedstand into a bag and only realized when I’d unpacked. I was considering it being a thing, that I steal each hotel’s playing cards and leave the last’s as a joke, but I knew Terran wouldn’t approve of that idea, and it was probably a bad one anyway. Besides, I was worried someone would get in trouble. It was best to be the perfect guest. So I shrugged it away. 

“Well, that explains why they don’t like you,” he said, and the carrying of the joke and lack of disapproval surprised and thrilled me. 

Still though, I didn’t know how to respond, and our attention returned to the cards. The only sound became the sound of cards flipping over, and before long he’d gotten almost the entire deck.

I didn’t mind. It was nice to play cards with him. I’d played cards a good amount— it was a good thing to do between studying. I’d played with Jodi a lot, we’d gotten really intense about playing Gin. When her friends joined we’d play Hearts or Cheat, but you really needed more than two players for that. I’d never bothered to buy a deck, somehow we could always find one and every hotel I’d ever been at provided one. I’d thought of playing cards as a possibility, but as soon as I’d sensed that memory—all I’d gotten was a poker chip, fire, and fear—I’d remembered the few times we’d played cards back before, and remembered that he’d played cards with Zachary. And it wasn’t a game then. I’d never been sure what it was exactly, but I’d sensed that it wasn’t fun. They treated it like an exercise in fucking over each other. 

Not something I wanted to bring into this space. Not when the entire point of this was so I could know who he was outside of that. 

This was working, though. The playful teasing, the grin he’d shoot me sometimes— that was what I’d wanted. And I could feel him more relaxed than I’d ever known him, and I got the feeling that this was him— more himself than he’d ever been. 

Or maybe I was hoping it was so much. Maybe I was extrapolating the good parts and ignoring the bad. He was good at acting, and I wasn't sure if being unfocused fixed that. Playful teasing wasn’t too far from the witty sarcasm he sometimes employed. Maybe he was acting, always.

But for a second he looked at me, and there was something there in a quick glance, something I don’t think was acting. Because if there’s one thing Terran can’t do, it’s flirt, even if it’s fake or would be beneficial. That was what really made me realize that it was an act, that it wasn’t really him. Sneaking a glance like that wasn’t a planned flirt. He didn’t even pick up on me flirting with him— that I knew, because I’d snuck a peek once while placing a hand on his leg. He was likely teasing me because he’d learned it from me. 

I have no idea if he likes me, though. I want to take a snuck glance as a sign, but with him, I have no idea. I’m pretty sure all of that—flirting, dating, attraction—is something he’s never really had to interact with. 

And it doesn’t even matter. That’s not the point. Does it thrill me to have him so close, to actually feel him reaching out to me? Sure. But I don’t care right now if it means something like that or if it’s just desperation. Because he doesn’t get comfort or safety, I know that, or affection in any way. Zachary doesn’t give affection. Mika can be very affectionate but no way she’d give him any. Maybe I’m flirting, but maybe I'm giving him something he needs, because how can I even expect him to be better without getting any positive connections? So this is for him, too— to actually give him some connection.

But it might be cruel, too. Might end up being worse. Which is why I really hope at the end of this I trust him, because I really, really want his help. 

I’d been so distracted I don't even realize that I’ve stolen back a good portion of the deck. “You’re making a comeback,” he says, and I look down to see that I have, and now I focus on the cards and continue to steal away his until he places his last card down, and 8, and I turn over my queen and smile, taking the last card and the pile. 

“You win,” he says, and leans over, lying down on the pillows, and he’s closer to me now and I can tell he’s tired. He’s usually tired, constantly casting a spell takes up a lot of energy and I don’t think he sleeps very well either. I considered offering to put him to sleep— after studying sleep cycles I experimented with myself. Problem was once I got to stage 2 I wasn’t conscious enough to purposefully go into REM, but then I brought it up with Jodi and she gave me permission to try it on her. Being in someone’s mind while they’re in REM is a really cool feeling, very intimate. It’s vulnerable in a real way, a way I didn’t expect. It’s really hard to get into someone’s mind while they’re asleep, but it turns out already being in opens up so much because all mental defenses are lowered. I don’t think Terran would appreciate the offer.

Instead, I say, “It’s kind of a relief for you to know about the college thing.”

“Oh?” He's still leaning against the pillow. 

I lean back so I’m next to him. “I didn’t want to keep it a secret but I know you don’t approve.” he looked like he was going to respond, so I added, “and I don’t want to hear it now.”

He stayed quiet.

“But I did want to just because I’ve learned a lot. How our minds work, even how our magic works. It’s crazy how much I was going on instinct before, but also how I was right about some things. I know where I’m going now, know what I’m doing.”

“You’ve always been smart,” he said, and his voice was sleepy, which was really sweet in a way I didn't expect, and I looked at him and he looked really tired but he was still watching me. 

I brushed away the compliment. “I did well in school because Mom taught me how to improve memory. You’re always a step ahead of me unless I lie to you.”

“No,” he replied.

“I don’t know my numbers, remember?”

This time his eyes were closed. “Numbers aren’t that important. You’re smart. You’ve always been.”

I didn't respond. My instinct was to argue with it but then I remembered Jodi telling me to stop arguing whenever I got a compliment. I hadn’t been smart enough to avoid Zachary. Hadn’t enough even to listen to Terran and stay far away from Calson. Hadn’t been smart enough to keep Jodi out of it, or Jesse.

I felt him fall asleep, drifting off. Felt him, relaxed. I stayed where I was for a while, just looked at him. His hair flopping against the pillow, his face relaxed for maybe the first time I’d ever seen it. I had the urge to reach out, to touch his face, his hair, but I decided against it, keeping my hands resting on the blanket. 

I wish I didn’t trust him so much. This whole thing, testing him— it’s testing me. Proving or disproving for myself. Maybe I shouldn’t be testing him anyway. I keep trusting him. I trust him without even thinking about it— saying I didn't was a lie, projecting the frustration that he didn’t trust me. But I shouldn’t trust him, not as much as I did. Did I trust him just because I liked him? Or did I trust him just because he’d saved my life? Maybe it was just gratitude. 

I got up, finding a quilt they’d put in the lower drawer and laying it over him so he’d have some warmth. He was in REM already. Dropping straight into REM was unusual, his body must be desperate for sleep. Moving him would have been close to impossible, and no way would I risk waking him. If I could I’d keep him in REM just so he could get a good night’s sleep, but it would bounce up to stage 4 and 3 soon. I undressed enough that I could sleep comfortably and turned off the light, getting under the covers enough so I was covered but didn’t disturb him, and closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep.

My chest tensed up. I was breathing shallowly, not deeply like I should be. My mind was alert—I could hear every sound, but specifically his breathing. Sleep breathing. I knew that. Slow and light. But all of me was alert to him and his presence and how close he was and I realized in an uncomfortable moment that it wasn’t a “Someone I like is very close to me” kind of alert.

I was scared.

Why was I scared? Why was my brain doing the “predators are close, not safe to fall asleep” signal? Hadn’t I just been trying to figure out why I trusted him so easily?

Maybe I didn’t trust him. At least not enough to sleep next to him. Not enough to give up consciousness around him. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

It dragged on. I stayed still trying to tell myself to relax. Even trying to do what I’d done before, use magic to bring me into stage 1, but as soon as I tried to get to the next step I found myself fully aware again. 

I stared at him. He was the vulnerable one right now. He was asleep, not conscious in the slightest. Not me. Although I suppose he could wake before me.

I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn’t harm me. He’d fucking risked his life for me. I knew that. And I knew he was always fighting me just because it was to keep me safe. And I knew he wasn’t the person he’d once been.

But I kept remembering that. Remembering that person. We’d reached a point of some level of friendship even before he’d saved me. But even then I’d been uneasy, alert. Watching my step. Knowing he was watching and judging me and it wasn't just about impressing him. Knowing how easily he could kill a person, without being barraged with guilt and thoughts of who that person was or could have been. Knowing that he viewed that in me as a weakness. I’d never expected him to save me. I hadn’t even expected to beg for my life, I’d accepted it. 

I’ve always been skeptical of the claim that fear and love are close. And it was love— even without attraction or romance or anything like that, I knew love, and I loved my friends and my family and Terran had become both, somehow. But now, staring at him, fear washing over me, maybe they were closer or more interchangeable than I thought.

Maybe I didn’t trust him. I should trust my body’s reactions, shouldn’t I? I should trust this fear, this instinct. I’ve never been good at instinct. Mika had been, she’d just deferred to me. And I thought it out, but not in the way that Terran did. He assumed people were lying, looked for reasons not to trust them, and I looked for reasons to trust them. So maybe I’d been wrong about Terran. Maybe that was the logical explanation for this. 

Or maybe, I realized, this wasn’t about him at all. Terran was a distraction from the real problem I was facing. A distraction from thinking about Jodi and the message and what I was going to do.