#*wants*

Bard (m): ???

Beorn (f): ???

Bifur (m): Owns toyshop, but has been labelled as mentally unstable since the accident. Cared for by his cousins Bofur and Bombur.

Bilbo/Bella (f): The one who comes in and changes it all.

Bofur (m): Running Bifur's toyshop, hopes he will get well again. Brother of Bombur

Bombur (f): Sister of Bofur. Voluptuous, curvaceous. Local sex symbol. Loves her food.

Dori (m): ???

Dwalin (f): PE teacher? Gym owner?

Fili (m): ???

Gandalf/Glinda (f): Itinerant entertainer / local hippy. Lives in a caravan without planning permission. Tells surprisingly accurate fortunes.

Gollum (m): ???

Kili (f): ???

Master of Laketown/Mr Laketown (m): Local MP. Corrupt, but lacking in foresight.

Necromancer (f): ???

Nori (m): ???

Ori (f): ???

Radagast (m): Local hippy, friend of Glinda. Stoned most of the time. Sculptor – uses natural, found materials (mainly fallen wood). Keeps the name Radagast.

Saruman (f): On the town council. Lead councillor. Old-school psychiatrist. Would like to section Radagast, but hasn't yet found an excuse.

Smaug (m): Chief Fire Officer, Middleton Fire and Rescue Service.

Thranduil (f): Chief Constable (head of local police force).

Thorin/Thornton (m): Owns factory that makes wrought ironwork – final remains of a once-great local industry. Father and grandfather owned a bigger factory, but it burned down.

Galadriel (f): On the town council. Headmistress of local sixth form.

Elrond (m): On the town council. Local GP.

Possible roles: Police, librarian, butcher, baker, supermarket owner, teacher(s), café owner, psychiatrist, cab / bus driver...

Who cast the spell? The Necromancer, in collusion with Smaug? Saruman hasn't quite turned to evil yet, he's just unwilling to listen to contradictory opinions and people he thinks are demented.

Middleton, a town in the middle of England. Historically famous for its ironwork, now little remains of that industry. The sort of place that people come from, and never return to except for funerals. The town council spends all its time arguing and getting nothing done, and the local MP is eager to be corrupt if only anyone could find any value in his vote/controlling the local area.

---

"You've never been bored until you've been Middleton bored."

Bella Baggins blinked and refocused. She'd been in her own world, staring at nothing for the last several minutes, her mind somewhere else. Somewhere beautiful, full of warmth and light and colour and flavour... Somewhere that wasn't a grey Monday lunchtime in Middleton. "I'm sorry?" She realised, to her dismay, that she was talking to a tall, gaunt, elderly woman in a ragged grey dress and equally ragged hair, and a ridiculously oversized hat – probably homeless, more than likely crazy, undoubtedly going to make the next five minutes extremely uncomfortable. She should know better than to sit on park benches and stare into space. The nutters always gravitated to her.

"I said, you've never been bored until you've been Middleton bored," repeated the woman, smiling enigmatically. She loomed over Bella like a broken umbrella. "Not heard that one? You must be new around here."

"I, er – yes. Just moved to the area – well, back to the area, anyhow. And I wasn't bored, I was just... thinking." The woman harrumphed quietly. "I'm sorry, can I help you?"

"Perhaps."

Bella, who had not actually meant the offer, quailed inwardly, and reached around herself for the remains of her lunch. "Oh, will you look at the time, I really should be going," she said. "Got to get back to work, you know, no rest for the wicked." She laughed awkwardly, trying not to see the woman's trodden-down sandals.

The woman watched as Bella stuffed a sandwich wrapper, a crisp packet, a banana peel, and an empty plastic bottle into her bag. When Bella stood, she didn't move out of the way. "I'm not a beggar, you know."

Bella flinched. "I never thought you were," she lied.

"Mmm," said the woman.

"Good day," said Bella, desperately, and shuffled around her.

"Good day," said the woman, as if she was turning the words thoughtfully over in her mouth, rather than politely reflecting them back. She watched as Bella fled like a startled rabbit. "Good day? Yes, I think perhaps it is."