#*stresses*

1. Alfie asking Harry for one on one lessons - Chapter 9

I think one of the main reasons I like this moment is because we see just how protective he is of her, already. He’s not been in her life for that long as this point, but when he figures out what happened with Sam he really loses his shit. We’d seen him be caring before and it was clear he was passionate about what he did for a living, but I loved writing him losing his shit like that.

“What happened?” He questioned, his voice dark, dropping his gloves to the ground.“It doesn’t matter, but I want-”“Alfie, tell me what the fuck happened. Who the fuck do I need to kill?” He marched towards me, fury driving his body in my direction.He was livid, his nostrils flaring, blood boiling, temples pulsing, stopping when he was a few inches from me, gazing down to me and waiting for me to give him an answer.There were tears in my eyes, but I was trying so hard not to let them fall, looking back up to him and trying to keep my strength. I was adamant I wouldn’t share the details of exactly what had happened the night before, even telling Harry that anything had happened felt too intense for me.It was hard to overlook his fury, to not just answer him and say everything, but I knew even if I did it would only make him angrier.My throat snagged, unable to find words, then his face changed again, something clicking in his mind.His voice went quiet, but remained just as vicious.“Was it Sam?”I didn’t answer, I didn’t do anything. I simply looked at him, one tear pouring over, trying to shake my head but it just looked as though I was trembling.“Alfie, was it Sam? Has he hurt you?”“I’m fine.”“Was it him?” He snarled. “What did he do? Tell me.”“This isn’t your situation to deal with, it’s mine.” I spoke assuredly, my eyes not parting from his. “If you want to help me, you can give me the extra lessons. That’s all I’m asking for.”“If I find out he did anything to you, I swear to fucking god-”“Will you give me the lessons or not?”

2. That gym scene - Chapter 11

Just… yeah.

“For fuck sake.” Harry grumbled, stopping for a second or so before his instinct insisted that he continued, rubbing again. “I wanna finish you off, but you’re too loud.”“Just do it, I’ll be quiet.” I gasped.I tried to hold it in. I tried so hard to dull my tones so he could finish his wonderous work, but I couldn’t! No matter how hard I fought it, my throat continued to produce noises that I couldn’t stun, achingly aware of the gathering of women outside his door but more aware of how good I felt. It wasn’t something that could be silenced.“Alfie-” He growled, taking his arm off my stomach so he could bring his hand up to clasp over my mouth, covering my lips to keep me quiet but if anything, it just made my moans increase, being the exact thing that could lead me to my orgasm.

3. The first time they’re together / at Harry’s house - Chapter 12

I genuinely think one of the main reasons I’m so fond of this chapter is because of the teaser I posted for it back in March 2017. I loved that we finally saw that side of Harry, his confidence and how he has to be so blunt with her. And also with it just being the real start of everything. I felt like their connection was so strong straight away. It was so good to write.

“Um… So I’ll let you know.”“No rush.” He said again, opening the door for me.“Thanks.”“Uh, one thing, before you go.”With speed, he reached his hand behind my neck, practically yanking me forward to annihilate the gap between our bodies, lowering his head and pushing his lips to mine.The kiss was hard, lustful, frenzied. Our tongues met almost instantly, Harry moving his hand to grasp at my cheek, one of my hands routing through his hair as the other pulled on his t-shirt, dragging him closer to me

4. The first chapter from Harry’s POV - Chapter 18

I think it was really good for the readers to see into his head. I found it challenging to write; to literally see from his POV and still have him be private, but then also for the reader to just know him that little better?? I mean, I dunno if I even achieved that, but that was my hope for this chapter. And I loved that little squabble between him and Chloe where he’s proving how well he knows Alfie and how much he cares about her.

“I don’t think your tough love approach is gunna work though.” I shot at Chloe. “I know Alfie, I know how she handles things.”“I think I know her better than you do, Harry.” She scoffed.“In that case, you should be very fucking aware of what she’s like, and how we should try to deal with this, with her!” I found myself scowling. “She… She’ll need this to be gentle. We need it to be about support, not guilt, or fear. If you go to her talking about how shit she’ll feel when her mum dies, you’ll break her.”“I didn’t mean it like that.” She huffed.“But that’s how it comes across. It won’t work with her, you know that! Surely.”“I know more than you, and she needs tough love sometimes. That’s what she was like with Sam! She wanted tough love. She needed it.”“But this isn’t some messy situation with her ex, or some silly mistake, this is her family! This is bigger than that! That’s not what she needs.”“Oh, and you know what she needs?”“Everyone just chill out.” Louis floated his hand above the centre of the table, his manner calming, me and Chloe backing down from one another. “Drink a bit, let’s not argue about this. We all have good intentions here, alright? Mellow.”

5. Harry and Alfie holding hands across the gap between their beds - Chapter 19

I’d seen so many times, the post on here about two people booking a room and there only being one bed in fics, and I purposefully wanted to go against that. I wanted to create a moment that was really gentle and loving without them actually having to be in the same bed. That surrounded by the emotional heaviness of what these two are going through around that stage of the story. I just thought it was such a tender moment.

The second my tears intensified, Harry reached his hand out to me, floating it above the gap between our beds.I reached back for him, joining our fingers together, squeezing tightly

6. Alfie confronting Harry about the room upstairs - Chapter 21

They had been so good with each other so long, I loved slowly writing them unravel, to see Alfie slowly lose her patience with him as she becomes desperate to know more. Having her snap when she saw that room and have it all just come pouring out. And I loved that last line she delivered - I’d thought of it really early in my planning and it felt like such a powerful moment from her.

I shook my head, groaning my final words of the night before I stormed out of there, staring right at him.“Sometimes being with you feels like fucking a stranger.”

7. Alfie saying she likes him - Chapter 23

I was just so excited to write a character who really lay their cards on the table and just went “yep, I like you.” I thought that was rare in my stories and with my characters, who so often struggle to communicate. I loved writing her being that way.

“I don’t understand how you do it.” I sighed. “I don’t understand how you can… spend so much time with someone, and feel nothing. We’ve been so fucking close, Harry. I don’t understand how you can be so intimate with someone and feel nothing.”“I-I don’t feel nothing.” He finally choked.“But you don’t feel this, do you? You don’t feel what I fucking feel, I know you don’t!”“Fuck. I just-” He stood clutching and rubbing at his temples with his thumb and middle finger. “I dunno. I guess… I guess sex just isn’t a special thing for me.”“It’s not for me either!” I yelled. “I have spent the last few years of my life sleeping with a boy and feeling nothing, feeling… fucking lifeless. I know what it’s like to sleep with someone without emotions, trust me. But I didn’t feel that with you! What we’ve been doing, that’s not just sex, Harry! Surely you can see that.”

8. Harry fighting Sam - Chapter 25

I mean… it has to feature just because of how fucking excited I was to write it. Harry’s back in town, so is Sam, and it’s fucking explosive. ALSO, fuck, Harry is so obsessed with her he’s so gone for her and it’s SO OBVIOUS HERE!

“You dare even touch her again-”“Harry, that’s enough!” Louis tried again.I turned back to look at Sam, seeing him slant to his side to spit a mass of blood from his mouth before he leaned back, throwing his head back, sniggering.“Fuck off, man.” He huffed, still managing to look smug even with a black eye and blood drooling from his lips. “Why’re you so obsessed with her? Y’know she’d never be with someone like you.”Harry snapped again, almost screaming as he pounced once more, trying his best to reach Sam and do his worst, but Lin grabbed at him and wrapped his arm around his neck from behind, keeping him in place as much as he physically could.“FUCK YOU!” Harry roared. “YOU NEVER FUCKING DESERVED HER! FUCK YOU! IF YOU EVER FUCKING HURT HER AGAIN, I WILL KNOCK YOUR TEETH OUT!”

9. Harry opening up - Chapter 26

The storm. Him talking about his family. Him finally admitting he likes Alfie. Chefs fucking kiss.

“I’ve never felt this close with someone before, Fee.” He spoke, after a deep breath. “Never.”Every inch of me tingled, heated, releasing this sigh that had been stuck in my chest for the past fortnight. I opened my eyes, seeing that he still had a few tears trapped in his, but he wasn’t wiping them away.He just looked at me.I turned my head, kissed at his hand, then looked back to him.“I can’t lose this.” He went on. “And I’m not telling you all of this because it’s what you need to hear, I’m telling you because… I’ve never been able to say any of this out loud, to anyone. But with you, I can. That has to mean something.”

10. Harry and Jack - Chapter 34

Writing Jack was fun. He’s a fucked up character and to write him and what he did to Harry was so interesting. Also to see how deep Harry was in his feelings for Alfie. When things went to shit in the following chapters, I had to direct readers back to this chapter and how he was feeling about her. It says so so much.

“Harry, what’re you doing with her?” He huffed, like he couldn’t comprehend how foolish I was being.I seized up, not wanting to listen to or even look at him because I knew exactly what he was going to say. I hated acknowledging how similar we were, how I could almost hear the words he was about to mutter before he’d even managed to say them.I was biting my tongue.“You think that’s a good idea? Letting yourself get attached like that?”“Don’t.”“She will fucking leave you.” He leaned closer to me, his words like daggers. “She will fuck off and break your heart.”“She won’t.” I argued with tears in my eyes.“She will, I guarantee. You can’t name me a single person who you’ve loved in your life who hasn’t left you, can you? Because I certainly fucking can’t.”

11. When Alfie tells Harry she loves him - Chapter 37

Brutal. Exactly the sort of scene that makes me love writing so much.

“After everything. After all of this. Fuck.” I hissed, ignoring him. “I don’t feel like I’m asking too much of you.”“Alfie, you’re asking me to love you.” He gasped.“And I don’t know why that’s so hard!” I bellowed.

12. Harry giving Alfie His Blood Sun - Chapter 44

I mean… this is pretty much where the story got its title. Him gifting her that painting and everything that embodies and represents. I hope the way I wrote it did it justice, because to me, that was such a powerful moment.

Because propped up against the desk on the floor right in front of me, was an infamous piece of work, one I never thought I’d see with my own eyes.It was Harry’s painting.His Blood Sun.Dizzily, I approached it, waiting until I was just a few inches away before I practically fell down to my knees, reaching and stroking my fingers across the paint, looking up and down and over every inch of in an attempt to make sense of what I was seeing, an attempt to appreciate the splendour beneath my trace.Fuck, it was beautiful. It was so fucking beautiful I thought I was going to cry.It was so much bigger than I had ever imagined it to be, standing taller than me even when I was on my feet and wider than my arms could reach. The paint protruded victoriously from the canvas, some parts sharp, others smooth. The colours were remarkably stimulating, so bright that they were emerging from the canvas, budding outwards to meet me, as though they had a complete life of their own and I was their goddess, their colours a quiet prayer that whispered from between the linen and blessed my ears.It felt like an honour to become so well acquainted with its true exquisiteness; to actually touch a masterpiece.It was striking, astounding, alluring, substantial and profound, utterly dazzling in its beauty. I abruptly fully understood why this certain painting had received the reaction it had, because it was wholly overwhelming and entirely consuming.

13. When Harry says he loves her - Chapter 46

I loved writing two love declarations that go horribly in the same story hahaha. But also, the growth we see from Harry in this whole chapter, and him being so candid, and then he just SAYS IT! It’s the latest I have ever left it in a story and I loved doing that.

Even when he started to loosen his grip, he didn’t fully succeed, laying his hands on my waist and pressing his forehead against the side of my head, his lips just an inch from my ear.My stomach twisted into a knot that was impossibly tight.He breathed me in, inhaling through his nose, the tips of his fingers pressing firmer against me.“I love you, Fee-Fee.”His words caused my body to freeze. And for once it wasn’t due to his beautiful low tone, his striking softness, or him using the nickname he had for me.It was the other part.

14. Kissing - Chapter 48

KISSING AGAIN! MY BABIES FINALLY KISSING AGAIN AFTER EVERYTHING. THIS HAD TO MAKE THE MOMENTS BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING MOMENT!!!

For a few seconds we just looked at each other, experiencing this moment of understanding, this acknowledgement of what was going to come.And then we collided.I bolted to him, attuned to the way he grabbed at my waist so that he could yank my body against his with every shred of his strength, his grunts gorgeous as I weaved my fingers into his hair and pulled his head towards mine.And then we were kissing.We were kissing and we were stumbling and we were fucking kissing. I was kissing him!To stop us from falling over completely, he picked me up off the floor within the first few seconds of our embrace. I moaned when he lifted me, overwhelmed by his strength, the way he grunted when I wrapped my legs around him.He backed me up against the wall beside his front door, the two of us finally crashing into place and steadying ourselves. It felt like pure fucking magic to kiss him again.

15. The Epilogue - Chapter 50

I feel really proud of this epilogue. Really fucking proud. I went into this not wanting to do a typical happy ending, but I think the second you search beyond the surface of this final part, there is so much happiness. From the way Harry is to the endless love these two have, I think there’s so much good there that can be lost at an immediate glance, and you have to search for it, but it’s there. It felt complex and special and I’m so happy I didn’t shy away from it.

And the moment she remembers him…

“Tell me. Just tell me how you feel.”“It’s like… home, and warmth. I… I don’t know.”“Like us.” I hushed.She closed her eyes, and I noticed a tear pool over, stream down her cheek.Something was happening.I was rapidly short of breath, keeping my eyes on her.“Fee? Please talk to me.”“I remember the first time I saw this in real life. I remember.” She trembled. “I remember the feeling. I remember crying.”“What else?” I begged, tears beginning to build in my eyes.I could hear my heart beating, observing her memory reform and construct in her mind, filling her drop by drop when all I wanted was for everything to flood into her consciousness again.I adjusted our hands so that I could squeeze hers, resting my forehead against her temple, whispering, pleading with her to search a little deeper.She took a shaky breath inward, overwhelmed.“Harry.” She whispered, and I thought I might collapse to the floor, simply hearing her speak my name.“Yes! Look at me.” I cupped her cheek, not pushing but trying to encourage her to turn her head. “Fee-Fee, please look at me.”She turned to her right, eyes sparking as soon as she looked into mine.She knew me.“Harry?” She questioned. “Holy fuck, Harry!”She scrambled so that she could wrap her arms around my neck, throw her body against mine and take me into her.I’d never held her so tight. Though there had been a few similar occurrences since her diagnosis, none had gone on for that long. I’d spent the entire day wondering if that was it, if she had reached her breaking point and her memory just wouldn’t come back. It was terrifying and excruciating.But she was with me.She was home.