This past month has been up and down for me. I firmly believe in spoiling oneself (when finances allow) so I've been spoiling myself (I have made some purchases I've been sitting on for a while now) but while I've been doing that I've been so f--king alone and the one person I see on a daily basis is really getting on my nerves. She can be a b%t@# at the best of times but now she's pregnant which she says makes her b%t@#y(er), and maybe it does, or maybe she's using it as an excuse to be a whiny b%t@#y b%t@#. Okay So a few weeks ago I went and splurged and bought myself an iPhone. This is a big thing for me so I've been discovering all of the little quirks to it and of course the new one just released so even catching up I'm two generations behind but I'm not fussed, just excited to be in this era, right. And now Apple is releasing its new iOS for these wireless gadgets and I was looking at all the features today and found out Siri was going to be accessible without having to press the home button, and for someone who just figured out she can use Siri to text someone and call people without looking for the contact in the phone or any of that, that's even more exciting. So I tell my coworker and she gets all condescending saying Apple's playing catch-up now and "oh, you know, iphones are cool too" but she put special sarcastic emphasis on that and it just pissed me off. Screw you, lady, I've never put down your gorramn phone or taste in anything except your stupid drama shows and even then I keep my gorramn mouth shut far more often than I open it, for crying out loud can't you just appreciate something for me? And then, oh, then there's my father, who has been snide about the phone since the moment I got it. "All I need a phone to do is call a person!" Well woop-de-f--kin'-doo, I'M NOT YOU. I LIKE being able to check facts on my phone on a moment's notice when I am stuck at your dinner table away from my computer. I was confused about a word? I CAN GOOGLE IT ON MY PHONE. And you f--kin' know what else? When my camera broke while I was on vacation, MY PHONE HAD A CAMERA ON IT. And now that my iPod's broken? I CAN LISTEN TO MY MUSIC ON MY PHONE. Dont' go looking down on me because of the choices I make in my purchases, this phone has proven more useful in the last three weeks than my last two phones were over the course of five f--kin' years, the first of which, may I remind you, you gave me for my graduation from high school and didn't lock so I wasted a lot of gorramn money because all the buttons would get mashed no matter where I put the dang thing and grr. GRR. LEAVE MY PHONE ALONE AND STOP LOOKING DOWN YOUR NOSE AT ME, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON. Backpedalling a bit, What the f--k is up with my technology this month? My phone was glitching right before I got my iPhone (I personally think it suspected I was replacing it and was throwing tantrums) and wouldn't receive messages, wouldn't send, and frequently lost service when I knew there was full service. Then, then, my camera broke! It's a new f--kin' camera! I bought it in June and it broke before August was out! Thank f--kin' goodness I bought the warranty for it, except now I can't access my vacation pictures until I get it back because my 6-year-old computer (please please please don't be the next thing to go I will have a gorramn meltdown) doesn't read SD cards anymore (file that under the busted extras that include my webcam and the control of my CD drive, thing's like a freaking jet engine when I stick anything in there). So it's been nearly three weeks since the vacation and I'd really like to look at those pictures because Yosemite is gorramn beautiful and has been like the best thing to happen to me this year. But then! Then I went and f--ked up even more and sent my iPod through the washing machine! ALL OF MY TECHNOLOGY. WHY. It's all been in the last month! I'm so terrified my computer is going to crap out on me now and this is all very frustrating because if I keep spending money to replace these items I can't SAVE money for a) my trip across the country to see people who would not do the same for me and b) a freaking car. Let's look at that second one real quick; I drive a piece of crap car I never wanted and got stuck with because my parents didn't listen to me ONCE AGAIN. It's their car but I pay the maintenance, gas, and part of the insurance on it. It's all but mine and I hate that. I've been working to get my OWN car, which has been a struggle because I'm paying for this one on top of my student loan. My taste is gorramn expensive too, which is my f--kin' downfall, because the car I want is over $15,000 and I still don't have the funds for it. And I've been trying to ignore the fact that I had to put it off for another few months again, for those friends across the country, but then my father came and pestered me about my life the other day and tried pushing me to "expand my search" and not wait around this dinky place to get a car and just...why? Why would you put that pressure on me? Thanks for saying you don't want me here, I don't want to be here either but if you hadn't gotten that s#%t car I'm driving we may both have gotten to say goodbye earlier. And what's so wrong, anyway? When she was my age, my older sister was STILL IN SCHOOL. I've been out for two years and have a job that, if not directly in my preferred career, at least utilizes elements of my higher education training, with vacation and holiday pay. You know where my older sister is? Only 8 months moved out, working two fast food jobs for no vacation or holidays and on an income of about 30% less than mine. So can you maybe, you know, back the f--k off? I'm sorry the best I'm doing, better than your other two daughters, isn't good enough for you but you're content to let them continue on in mediocrity. Now as for that trip, this is my biggest problem at the moment--"friends". That vacation I mentioned? That was for my birthday. I went alone. (This is not the first time I've had to spend a birthday alone after trying to get some friends to hang out...let's just say 21 was a heartbreaking year that I shall never get over, and is a large reason why I'm a bitter husk of a person today). I wanted to go with my best friend. But the thing is, my best friend is an expert at cutting out on plans with me. So she agreed to do this with me, and I spent several hours on research and putting together the itinerary and expenses and all possible variables and I send it her way and oops! She can't make it. And you know what? Her birthday is half a month before mine, I took her out to a very nice event, planned everything for her and paid for it all and all she had to do was show up, and I got her a present she absolutely loved, so why the f--k did I not get something of the same amount of effort in return? I've known this girl for nearly a decade. I don't think it's too much to ask that just once, just once, this girl make a freaking effort for me. I'm tired of these f--king heartbreaking birthdays where no one cares. So after she broke my heart for the vacation trip she asked if we could do something else, but if she doesn't have time for a three-day camping trip (ON A HOLIDAY WEEKEND), what the f--k else is she going to have time for? Nothing, that's what. We kind of considered drinks but when I said I'd need a place to crash (don't drive drunk, kids)? Complete radio silence from her. Didn't hear from her again until my coworker asked her some question via email that she thought was stupid and complained to me about it and this is two weeks after my birthday, mind you (oh and by the way, not one f--king friend wished me a happy birthday, and I wish I could make that up, but I'm not) and then brings up drinks again like she hadn't just ignored me for more than two f--kin weeks and we were all good to go and finally after I reiterated I couldn't without a place to crash she offered me her couch (like really? was that so difficult? That's the third or fourth time I've mentioned I can't go drinking without a place to crash and you could never, ever offer it before?), but only maybe, if she could convince the other housemate to actually sleep in their own bed. Moreover this girl was supposed to be taking a dance class with me on Fridays and whup! she failed to show up for that too, so I'm all f--king alone in class too, while everyone else in the class happily has a friend or two to chat with and I'm the f--king loner freak again and f--k. This is exactly what I hated about high school. I hated more about high school but that's a good starting point. Then there's my friends across the country. I've known a girl in Illinois for over six years now and we've met in person once, while I was on layover from my semester abroad in London to home. I've tried getting her out to visit me several times before but never got any traction so, you know, after you try so much you kind of just give up. So she never really talks to me (and this is another problem with my friends, why don't any of them  f--kin talk to me? 9.5 times out of ten I initiate conversations, I invite my friends out to do things, when is it my f--king turn? Do you guys not want to hang out with me? Because that's the f--king message I'm getting) and so why the f--k am I spending $500 to go see her? I'm using it as an excuse to spoil myself, I suppose, to fill this gorramn aching void in my heart. It's also the only way I convinced myself to go to my other friend's wedding, a friend who moved a year ago and has been back to visit the area twice that I know of and hasn't said one gorramn word to me about it and never asked me to hang out and well f--k you too, ma'am. I'm positive she wouldn't miss me if I didn't go to the wedding. Only, it's in the south, and I desperately want to experience the south, so that and visiting my other friend are my only justifications for spending over $1,000 on a week long vacation across the country. But thing is, neither of them would miss it if I didn't do this! None of my friends would miss me if I didn't do anything with them! Because they never ask me to do anything with them! Night after night I sit in my house with my judgmental parents feeling an abyss in my chest because I am so f--king alone and I just want a gorramn friend. Just one. One who actually cares about me, wants to talk to me, wants to hang out and actually puts in the same effort that I do for a friend, who won't be condescending because I'm discovering something many other people have known for a while but it's new to me can't you just let me be excited for two gorramn minutes please. I'm f--king alone and small and I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore and it's so much of a struggle to pretend I do. I'm suffering in stagnating mediocrity and I'm getting so worn down by the lack of support and care in my life and I just want something to go right. When will it be my turn to enjoy life?
