#*do it

but the absolute galaxy brain of taking it that step further to show him becoming a better man ostensibly because of and for abby while the audience realises before he does that abby has left him. and to have the moment he realises she’s really gone and he’s alone again be at the end of an episode where he’s spent the entire time helping and watching others (namely eddie and maddie) move on with their lives. it’s great bc he realises he doesn’t need abby to be better; he can just be better bc he wants to be, right? there’s disappointment but it doesn’t deter him from continuing to grow

but then you move into s3 and this better version of himself clashes with the way he so completely hits rock bottom at the beginning of the season and it’s the first real inkling you get of his abandonment issues and his very real fear of being left behind. which you see in the lawsuit, sure, but also so much more poignantly in his episode with red where he sees an older version of himself, a future he is absolutely terrified of bc he gives everything to his job and he can’t live without it but what if that’s not enough when all is said and done?????? and everyone reassures him it won’t happen but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s alone now and it’s not hard for him to imagine being alone then (and even within all of that he still has that absolutely beautiful moment of giving red the send off he deserves to show how deeply cares for others in spite of his loneliness )

and finally you get to season 4 and all the hints and the teasing about how buck has a secret girlfriend only to reveal that he’s actually in therapy (!!!!!!!) so he can work through his abandonment issues (which. i’ll scream about that for the rest of my life). and thEN to so perfectly place his buck begins episode right at this crossroads of progress and i know the begins are all about showing what makes the characters who they are today but god, the power of that moment where young buck realises the only time his parents show real care and concern for him is when he gets hurt bc it’s suddenly so abundantly clear why he has a reckless streak and why he throws himself into danger without any regard for his wellbeing. and then to coMBINE THAT with his abandonment issues as we discover his birth was circumstantial and that his parents had never actually intended on having him it’s just. god. it’s almost too perfect how it all falls into place????? and within all of that you have that moment where his walls completely crumble and he says, “love me anyway” and it literally sums him and everything he encompasses up in three words.

i know you need to leave but love me anyway. i know my job is a lot to deal with but love me anyway. i know you have your own families and we won’t always be the 118 but love me anyway. i know you never wanted me but love me anyway.

like.