He knocked on the door of the office ten minutes earlier than he was supposed to be meeting the teacher inside over in the Defence classroom. The response was just delayed enough for Finn to remember to grab the parchment and quill from his pocket and write a quick note.
I'm going in now.
He gave the parchment a quick tap of his wand and then it was back in his pocket, before he even took the time to read the message which soon followed it, saying 'Okay. Can't talk. McGonagall. Be careful.'
"Finnigan. You're early. And in the wrong place. What's the matter? Can you not be here today?"
"Yes! Yes, I can, I just... I wanted to talk to you about something else first and I didn't have a lesson so when I walked down the Defence corridor and you weren't there at all, I thought, maybe now..."
"Certainly. Please, sit."
Finn sat down slowly, hesitating as if he was trying to think what to say first. "I've been thinking about jobs recently," he started. He rubbed his temple, not even having to act that the whole ordeal was giving him a bit of a headache recently. It was anyway. "I don't really have any ideas at all and I talked to Professor McGonagall and that hasn't really helped me think of ideas. All I know is that I want something to do with Defensive magic but I don't want to be in the DMLE or teaching and... Well, what else is there?"
"You are a very strong fighter," Professor Gregory told him. They were words which in the past would have caused Finn's chest to swell in pride, but now he saw them as simple flattery to pull his trust closer to the teacher he no longer believed in. "It's understandable that you want to work in this field, and I definitely think it is most suited to you and regardless of your thoughts on the DMLE, any application you were able to prepare now would most likely be too late to be considered for start in this year's training programme. In fact, I do believe that those who were earliest with their Hit Office applications are finding out if they have been successful this week."
Finn nodded, already knowing this from Wren's letter appearing at breakfast that morning, the same as Dirk's. It was part of the reason this conversation was such a pressing concern for him at the moment, now that both his best friends were so much closer to having their futures sorted out and he had applied to nothing. He let out an audible sigh. His options seemed so much more limited than he felt they should be.
Before he could hear his teacher's advice, however, there was a loud crash from the corridor outside. The noise had already increased a little as students moved between their lessons but now screams joined and Finn didn't need to look at the clock to know the exact time. His teacher was up and out without a word. Finn waited only ten seconds before he rose out of his chair and hopped round to the other side of the desk. The suits of armour which Libby had transfigured at break-time to come alive and Finn had charmed just a few minutes ago to activate should keep the only currently available teacher at this end of the school occupied for a good few minutes which combined with children running around in a panic, Finn hoped it would give him enough time. He wrote to Libby two letters, 'Go.' then tapped the bottom drawer of the desk.
"Alohomora."
Systematically, he went through each drawer, using revealing charms to search for any hidden messages on the parchment, all the while keeping an eye on his parchment.
He sorted out the suits of armour.
The message showed and Finn swore out loud. He hadn't found anything useful, yet, only piles and piles of lesson plans and work to be marked. He hurriedly moved onto the fourth draw.
A fourth year slipped down the stairs trying to run. I convinced G to take him to the H.W. He's sending me back to Transfiguration, but I said I had been on my way to the toilet and haven't gone yet, so I'm headed your way.
Now he relaxed again. The Hospital Wing was far enough away that he would have time to at least give the desk a thorough sorting through, if not anywhere else.
"I think I have ten minutes," Libby said as she walked through the door. "It won't take him much longer than that to go to the Hospital Wing and I can't get away with saying going to the toilet took longer than that, either."
"What are you going to tell McGonagall?"
"She's going to hear about this anyway. Just that I got caught up in it all. I was technically practising Transfiguration. What do you want me to do."
"This pile," Finn said, sectioning off about half of the parchments he had taken out of the drawer. "Try to keep them in the same order. If you go from the bottom, they can go straight back in the drawer once you've checked them. Anything suspicious, and I'm using Aparecium on them as well just in case he's concealed anything."
They worked through them as fast as possible. By the time Libby called out "Here!"however, Finn had started to worry that maybe they wouldn't find anything. She dangled the parchment in front of his face, a simple reminder of a meeting with an unspecified person at the edge of Hogsmeade that coming Saturday.
"Really?"
"It was concealed. Why would he conceal it?"
Finn bit his lip, but it was all they had to go on so far and even as she took a picture of the note, concealed the writing again and finished off her pile of parchments, he knew that they weren't going to find anything else before the professor got back. He wanted to go through the fifth and final drawer, and he wanted to go through the trunk, but time wasn't on their side and Libby left to make sure she was well away before the teacher returned. It wasn't long before he got the note saying that she had passed him in the corridor and only been able to delay him a second. Finn had only looked at a handful of things in the fifth drawer. Some of the bizarre objects in there he might have to know more about, but he didn't manage to do anything but take a picture with the camera Libby had left behind, then close the drawers back up again so that he could be sat back in the chair, reading his Muggle Studies textbook, when the office door swung open.
"I apologise for that, Mr Frazer. It appears someone decided to play a small prank on the Defence corridor between lessons. Now, where were we?"
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Finn, who had been doodling pictures of lopsided griffins instead of trying out the Protean Charm as he was meant to be, looked up in surprise at the sound of her voice. He turned to look at her, across the room, as the rest of the class did, too. Her eyes flickered ever so briefly to his, before returning to Flitwick's.
"Can you set two things up to copy each other no matter how far from each other and you they were?"
"Of course you can, Miss Mansfield. You must remember to set them up correctly, but you'll find the process for making the spell more lasting outlined on page 408," the teacher squeaked.
"So it could be used as communication?" Libby pressed. Finn sat up a little straighter, almost feeling the way she pointedly avoided looking at him, but understanding immediately her intention. They had been fretting about how they would be able to let each other know if something was wrong while breaking into Professor Gregory's office.
"It most certainly could," replied Flitwick. "Most famously it was used by the Fitzroy brothers to update each other on progress in their separate tasks when leading their series of revolutions. Although, of course that is more Professor Binns' area than my own."
"But it definitely can aid a two-way conversation?"
"Yes, Miss Mansfield, though I must ask you not to start using it as a loophole around the rule of no passing notes in lessons. Now, the wand movement for this charm is very similar to that of the permanent sticking charm, but you must not let your wrist flick off the paper..."
The lesson carried on but the suggestion was planted in Finn's mind and his mind was overcome with plans and thoughts, all the while compartmentalising in a way he had become so accustomed to in the past months.
Finn felt increasingly nervous as he hovered around the corner from Professor McGonagall's classroom. All through Defence that morning, he had kept his guard up, kept his attention towards his teacher and those of his friends sat around him, but it was a struggle not to feel himself drawn to the girl sat on the other side of the room. He just about managed to get out of the double without even looking over at her once, but he had no idea how he had managed it. The past two days, his mind had been abuzz with thoughts of her and thoughts of his conversation with Gideon. He was no longer alone in it all, but that only provided him with a minute amount of relief in comparison to the overwhelming admittance that he fancied Libby.
He had avoided hanging around after that lesson, needing to be far away from his teacher, and not wanting people to wonder where he was for break. Instead, he left Gryffindor tower not long before he knew the seventh year Transfiguration lesson was due to finish, and walked round to where only those headed towards the library would pass. He just had to hope that she wouldn't join the majority of the class in the opposite direction, but he was fairly confident in his judgement that she would spend her free period studying.
He held his breath when the sound of the classroom door opening reached his ears, and didn't exhale as the first students passed him. He waiting; excuse that he was waiting to see McGonagall and hadn't wanted to stand right outside the door, where the fourth years were waiting, ready. The moment she came into sight, Finn slipped between a couple of people and joined the merge of traffic in the corridor. It was easy enough for him to discretely sidle up next to her and mutter so only she could hear, "Hey, can I talk to you?"
"I want to tell you something, but it's really huge. I need... Before I tell you, can you promise me you won't tell anyone else?"
Her expression changed between hopeful, confused, disappointed and uncertain within a matter of seconds, but when she nodded it was with greatest assurance. "I promise. Of course, I... What's up?"
Finn hesitated for a second, a little taken aback by her cutting herself off, but he took a step backwards to allow himself a little more room to breathe and then looked down at the floor. It didn't look too dusty, and it might be a long story, so he sat down, cross-legged, and leant his back against the wall of the passageway. Cautiously, she copied.
"You know I've been having these extra Charms and Defence lessons?" Finn started, only waiting long enough for her baffled nod before launching into the story. "My Defence ones aren't like the Charms ones. I've been learning Occlumency. That's where... You close your mind to... Okay, so Legilimency is an advanced type of magic where a person can get into another person's mind and read their mind, basically. And Occlumency defends against that, and Veritaserum as well, and it can help fight the Imperius and Cruciatus Curses as well and I started learning it because it helped block out nightmares but now I'm just learning it generally. I have been ever since the summer. Just before Christmas, Professor Gregory started teaching me Legilimency, too. He asked me to keep it a secret and I did."
"Wait. What— Why?"
"Why did he ask or why did I..." Finn shook his head. He could answer both those questions and in the interest of being open with her, that seemed like the best thing to do. "He told me it should be kept quiet because everyone would want to learn if they knew. I can't remember why else he said, there were other reasons, I'm sure, but the reason I did was because at the time I wanted to be able to do Legilimency so badly. It was... We had that conversation, remember? When I said I wished everyone could just be open and then you told me your name. It was not long before then, I had those thoughts in my head, I just really wanted to know what was going on with people I thought might be keeping secrets from me, and... So that was part of it." He swallowed, looking down. It felt shameful to admit that which he hadn't been able to admit to Gideon. His lust for information, in hindsight, made him very understanding of the legal restrictions surrounding Legilimency. Libby started to lean over to him, wanting to comfort him, but he moved his hands out of her reach and carried on as she settled back.
"Another part of it was that I didn't want to tell anyone when I might not turn out to be very good at it. I figured if I managed it then I would tell Dirk and Wren. Then I actually got in, though. One of the early sessions, he showed me a memory of him with my dad. When they were at school together. It was the week after dad had gone to St Mungo's and... Well it didn't take him long then to convince me that I should still keep it quiet, not when I thought he was friends with my dad."
At this point he stopped talking. He wiped his face so hard it felt as if his skin might slide right off. The more he thought about it now, the less he remembered how he had managed to be so fooled, how he had allowed preconceptions of the teacher to stop him seeing what was so suspicious about the situation. He scolded himself for it, because he had no excuse not to have noticed.
"I don't understand, Finn. Why are you telling me all of this? Why... If you've been keeping quiet about it, why are you telling me, and why now?"
"I spoke to dad on New Year's Day, straight after we'd got back from Ballyconneely. He wasn't friends with Gregory after fourth year. And Legilimency is really really restricted in its learning. As in... You have to fill in all these forms and there are interviews involved and everything to get permission to learn it, and it's even harder to become an instructor. I was looking it up a few weeks ago. The process is crazy. You couldn't teach it to yourself. Not really. Any book which outlines how to do it is really difficult to get a hold of, and besides it's not the sort of thing that can be learnt that easily from reading. All in all... Any Legilimens who learnt in Britain and the Ministry doesn't have records on is an illegal Legilimens. And I haven't filled in any forms or gone to any interviews to get permission to learn it. My professor just said to me one day, how about this for an idea, and now I can sort of do it."
Her eyes had increasingly widened throughout his explanation and Finn wondered if she realised that she had shuffled forwards as well, so that now their knees were mere millimetres apart.
"Finn," she breathed, touching his knee gently. He felt her softness and heard her concern, but when he looked her in the eye, all he experienced was something close to the four-lettered-L-word he refused to even think. It took him a few seconds to realise that it was not his own emotion which surged through him, but hers. He hadn't even meant to use Legilimency just then, but something about the conversation had caused him to unintentionally practise it and from what seemed like nowhere he had jumped straight into her mind wandlessly, if only for a split-second. Combined with her feelings, his desire for her spiked. Electricity could have been running between them and it took an awful lot of mental restraint to pull up the memory of the two of them at his birthday party. She had told him what she wanted in a first kiss and it wasn't a stolen moment in a hidden passageway from someone who would then have to ask her if it could be kept quiet because he wanted her help with someone who might look into her mind in an even more obtrusive way than he himself just had.
"Don't."
He had pulled his hand away before he even had time to register that he had placed it over hers, let alone that she had twisted her own to hold on properly. He scrambled to his feet and covered his mouth, as if pressing down on his lips, feeling his own sweaty palm instead of her skin, might be enough to push away all the urges he had.
"Don't what?" she asked, standing up, but the way she hesitated to touch him again showed that she suspected what he was on about.
He wasn't sure what to do. Words bubbled up to the surface, feelings he wasn't sure how to handle, happiness felt just at the tip of his fingers and Gideon's words of advice fell heavily on him. He didn't want to ruin whatever leads he might have with Gregory, but he still had to think about his own happiness. And hers, he soon realised as she, deciding he wasn't going to give her an answer, found more questions to ask.
"What do I have to, Finn? We went from that being okay to you not talking to me or looking at me or anything overnight. So tell me what happened. Did you not enjoy going to Hogsmeade with me? Was it not how you imagined? Or is this all just a stupid freak out over that being so near to Valentine's Day? I don't... I just wanted us to still be friends."
His eyes stung with the threat of tears, but he blinked them away, strangely encouraged by the shake in her voice. That wasn't really all she wanted. It was just what she was willing to settle for.
"You can't touch me," he said quietly. "Because if you do I want to kiss you."
He kept his eyes firmly on the floor, afraid to see her reaction, afraid that if she was too happy too quickly he might not be able to control his own ecstasy at being able to make her smile so widely, afraid that it would only anger her more to hear him say that, as if he could ever bring himself to mock her in the way Dirk had suggested she might have thought the Valentine's not-really-a-date was. He was so determined not to look at her and not to notice her reaction that he jumped when she touched his elbow.
"So kiss me."
Their faces were close now, their eyes half-closed, but Finn clamped his mouth shut and shook his head. He leant his head against the wall, maximising the distance between them as best as he could. "No. No, weren't you listening?" She immediately looked hurt and rejected, but he was quick to get his case across. "Professor Gregory. He could read your mind. If he knows we're together... Whatever it is he wants with me, it'll drag you into it straight away and I... I'm dragging you into it by telling you and I didn't want to, but... I need you. Please. I can't trust anyone else. Not anyone he's not going to be checking up on as a matter of course. I need you, so I need him not to know we're this close. I don't want him getting to you."
She was studying the edge of her jumper as if there might be a thread loose on what Finn knew to be a perfectly kept cuff. "What do you need me for?"
It felt as if there was a heaviness between them. Perhaps he had committed the ultimate relationship sin and now there was nothing to be done between them. He certainly had little way of knowing what an ordinary reaction to things like this were. His point of comparison was problematic. So, he took a deep breath and tried to answer her question as matter-of-factly as possible.
"I need to break into his office."
"How—"
"It's okay, I've got a plan. I just need some reason for him to leave me alone there. He just needs a distraction."
"Anything else?"
"Just if you can be around to chat to when it's all getting a bit much might be nice."
The smile spread across her face in synchronisation with the darkening pink of her cheeks. Finn's arms wrapped around her waist before he could stop himself. Hers were already snaking up around his neck.
"I'll be here. Whenever you want me."
She was warm against him. Their cheeks pressed together in a tight embrace and the lavender scent of her shampoo caught up in his nose, calming him to the point where his face was buried in the crook of her neck and his eyes were closed as if he might fall asleep there.
"I wish you could kiss me." Her voice was so soft that Finn wasn't certain if he had heard her right, even with his ear so close to her mouth. He pulled back to look her in the face.
"I want to do it properly. How you said." Her chin stuck out, and he could almost hear her saying 'Go on then', though her mouth stayed shut and her tongue still. "It won't be long," he told her now. "I really—"
"Don't say it. I know. We can't— Unless we keep it a secret, but I don't—"
"I can't do that to you. I've been through it once and never again."
"So when this is all over. The first thing I expect, mister, is that kiss."
"I suppose I'll have to owe you. I... Do you mind if it's not quite first thing? I told Wren that as soon as I could tell her what was going on I would. I hate—"
"Would you tell her about us?"
"Then? Yes. I'd tell her I was going to ask you out, at least. I don't want to assume what you'll say a little down the line."
Her face disappeared into his shoulder as heat rose in her cheeks again. Holding her close one last time, Finn savoured the moment. Tomorrow they would be back to just friends, to no closer than Finn and the average Joe. They would avoid sitting too close to each other and they would keep all interaction casual and brief. But today, Finn wanted her there, in his arms, where he could pretend he had asked the question he had so desperately wanted to ask, given into her request for a kiss, and this now was the everlasting hug from which they would never pull away.
I'm just a little boy lost in the moment || Drabble
Part 1, (2), (3)
He caught her eye from across the hall at breakfast and, without a word, they knew they were both ready to go into Hogsmeade. They bypassed a line of couples queueing for the carriages, (Since when had there been so many couples in Hogwarts, Finn wondered, and why had they all chosen today to go into the village?) and decided instead to walk in. Though it was cold, they had warm clothes and the option of a heating charm if necessary.
They walked through the village with no real destination save for a couple of trips into shops to have a look at their stock. Then, with a shiver, Libby suggested they go and get a cup of tea. Finn had never before been in Madam Puddifoot's, something which he could only marvel over now he saw how busy the teashop was. They secured a table in the corner, where their chairs didn't have to sit so directly opposite each other and they had a better view of what was going on around them.
"Me neither." Finn took a look around. It didn't seem too bad to him, despite things he'd heard from other people. Then again, he always had thought Dirk must have been exaggerating some to say it made him want to vomit. And, admittedly, with anyone other than Libby or perhaps a select few other friends, the way the couple across the room looked ready to jump each other would have been extremely spew-inducing. As it was, Finn and Libby caught each others' eye, laughed and looked away, the tiniest amount of cringing on each side.
"I'll have a pot of tea and he'll have a peppermint tea," Libby asked when the waitress came over, clearly deciding to take charge, but Finn, a little overwhelmed by the extensive exotic menu, didn't mind one bit.
Their conversation flowed just as easily as it always used to. All awkward thoughts of New Year's Eve was thrown out the window as they chatted and joked around. Finn was struck by how she could have just been a good friend, how if they had bonded this closely when they had started having lessons together 6 and a half years ago, maybe he would count her more a sister like Wren.
But they hadn't. She might now feel nearly just as much a best friend as Dirk or Wren, but she wasn't a sister. There was something hugely different about him and Libby. It was evident in the way their hands touched and the way they automatically leant into each other, but at each moment that Finn started to think maybe they should be more than friends, maybe he should ask her if this could be more than just a couple of friends drinking tea together for her, he remembered the situation he was in.
Professor Gregory.
Finn was still massively in the dark where what his teacher was up to was concerned. He was progressing with Legilimency, but had to be careful not to raise suspicion. Wren and Gideon's comments had knocked him back a step. Not letting Duelling Club do anything too difficult? And yet there he was teaching Finn something illegal for him to teach it. It didn't make much sense, and he felt unnerved by it. He didn't like thinking that maybe he should have known earlier the teacher was not to be trusted, rather than thinking he was so great, possibly even the best Defence teacher he'd had so far, for a whole term. Now, though, he knew. He knew something was wrong and he knew he couldn't tell anyone lest their minds be invaded. But, as per his father's advice, he had some people in mind who he could tell if things got serious. Gideon was the obvious choice and the first person he had thought of for someone trustworthy out of both school and the Ministry, with Marlene close behind. His father had warned against telling an Auror, but he still had Doe in mind as one he felt he could tell if need be. Then, in school, Libby was the only person he trusted who Professor Gregory wouldn't consider. Dirk and Wren and AJ would all fall under the category of obvious and Finn was too worried that their lack of practice in Legilimency would spoil everything if he told them. So, he had to keep Libby a small secret, someone his teacher would think was just a classmate and little more to Finn. No rumours of being together. Perhaps today was a bad idea, but Finn couldn't see how one not-really-a-date would get back to the Defence teacher. Or, he had to hope it wouldn't.
They were in a deep conversation about the pros and cons of the holiday system they had both experienced at muggle day state primary schools compared to Hogwarts when they left Puddifoot's, a topic neither of them really knew how they had got onto it. Walking back down the street, they agreed that while Hogwarts' longer summers were good, they definitely needed to consider half-terms, and perhaps having more of a term after Easter so that holiday could be enjoyed to the full rather than taken up with exam revision. In fact, Libby pointed out, in muggle schools the Easter holiday was just as long, and incredibly more relaxing than the Christmas holiday. Of course, that was based on experience of an age when they didn't have to sit exams. As they reached this point, they got to the carriages, having mutually decided that after their teas they didn't need to head to the overcrowded Three Broomsticks. It suited Finn who was still occasionally inclined to avoid claustrophobic atmospheres and who wanted to limit the chance of them being seen together by circles which may get back to Professor Gregory as gossip. He didn't think the teachers partook in chatter about their students , but he didn't want to take the risk.
Their conversation continued as they sat in their carriage back to school, moving seamlessly from school holidays to actual holidays, comparing notes on countries abroad and families' desires to do things during the day rather than lazing around. Soon, they were talking about animals and exotic wildlife and then, somehow, they had come full circle and they were commenting that muggle school had been awfully human-centric in all their studies.
They had come to be holding hands at some point in the journey,.just as they had so many times before, but Finn was reminded only of Midnight Mass at her church when he realised his palm pressed against hers. He shifted his grip only to help her back out of the carriage once it stood on the path in front of the castle, then loosened his hold to indicate he would break their connection now, but she paid no attention, instead stepping forward in a move that could have been a stumble. She smiled up at him almost expectantly, waiting, hand still firmly in his, and Finn didn't know what he was meant to do.
"Erm... So thanks, I had a really great day," he said hoping that might cut it.
"Me too." she still looked as if there might be a little more she had wanted from him, but still Finn didn't understand, and now he started to feel awkward and confused and as if running seemed the best option -a feeling he winced to think he had even felt. He gave her hand a last squeeze and pulled his away, using a quick hug to almost soften the blow, then he stepped back. "I should..." he looked over his shoulder in place of finishing the sentence go up to Gryffindor tower, away from you, now. He stepped back again. "Thanks again, Libby, I'll see you soon."
As he turned and practically ran up the steps, Finn couldn't help think that everything had just become an awful lot more complicated. He was entering a world he still knew too little about.
Finn stared at Freddie on the desk in front of him. He had no idea where the spell was sending the frog, but so far he had needed to either run around the school searching for him or try summoning him every time he practised placement charms. It probably didn't help that he had picked a subject which moved around, but anything inanimate he could place perfectly without fail. Professor Flitwick seemed only amused by his difficulty with such a small animal.
He uttered the incantation, concentrating on the next desk along where he wanted his pet to materialise. Once again, the frog disappeared, no sign of him anywhere in the classroom.
"Redito," Finn said, unsure what was meant to happen. With a small bang which was probably more Finn's wand than anything else, Freddie appeared back again, in the exact spot of the desk he had just disappeared from.
"At least now if it doesn't work, you know how to bring him back easily. It has to be done immediately after the previous spell, though."
Finn nodded, though he let out a little sigh that he still couldn't seem to place the frog, even with the help from his Charms teacher in one of the extra sessions they had been having after school every Tuesday since September.
"It's always a little more difficult using spells such as this on an animal which can think for itself. The trick is greater focus and strength behind your spell."
Through a little more guidance, Finn continued to practise the placement charm, but still he couldn't seem to master it and by the time he left the classroom, his bag over one shoulder, his frog in one hand and the pencil case that had been left behind in the classroom on Libby's desk from their lesson last thing that afternoon in the other, he felt a little disappointed.
"Oh, good, you're finished. I left my..."
Finn smiled at Libby, holding the pencil case out to her.
"Thanks."
"Sure," he replied, falling into step with her as they walked away from the room. "Dinner?" His stomach grumbled as if in agreement that after such hard work on his Charms he needed food. Libby laughed just a little over the noise, and nodded.
Finn felt his chest tighten in a way it had so many times around the girl ever since their near-moment at New Year. He didn't know what exactly she remembered from the night, nor did he know what her feelings towards him were, but the butterflies he occasionally got in his stomach were something he had previously only ever felt for one girl, a girl who now left him with only a feeling of sadness and slight regret for all that was lost. His mind was still plagued with confusion over what he felt and confliction between that and what he wanted to feel. So he didn't know if Libby noticed how much more awkward he had felt around her in the past six weeks, but he was determined that he would cover it up as best as he could. After all, that was part of a skill he was learning to develop in the other subject he was having extra lessons for.
"Any plans for the weekend?" he asked, settling for a topic of conversation that he felt would be safe. He didn't really understand why for a moment her eyes seemed to widen, or why her cheeks suddenly looked a little pinker. Maybe it was the light reflecting strangely through the window.
"Oh, no. None at all, actually. I'll probably just get some work done."
"Did you go into Hogsmeade this just gone as well, then?"
"No..." Her voice was strange, but still Finn had no idea why. "No, I haven't been to Hogsmeade in a while. Since before Christmas now I think about it. I haven't had any reason to go in, and there's so much work to do recently. So I probably will still do work this week rather than go into Hogsmeade, because... Well even though maybe it would be nice to get out for a little bit, I don't want to go on my own and nobody's asked me to go with them."
"Go with me." The words were out of his mouth before he could think them over. Again, her eyes widened and she looked up at him. "I mean... If you... Do you want to go with me? If you haven't been since before Christmas, that's a long time and I think it's really important to have some breaks from work."
He couldn't figure out the look on her face, but she smiled. She smiled a bashful sort of smile, her eyes flickering away from him as if she couldn't quite believe he was asking. She looked down at Freddie, still in his hand, as if contemplating the question, but it didn't feel as if she was going to say no, and Finn wasn't disappointed when she looked back into his eyes. "Okay. I'll go with you, Finn."
"Great! I'll meet you here at eleven on Saturday, then?" he suggested, seeing as they now walked down the marble staircase, the Great Hall in sight.
She seemed to hesitate, then let out a small surprised sounding, "Oh. Oh, okay, then."
"Were you..." Finn frowned. "No, I was just saying, I'll still sit with you at dinner."
The way she glanced at him told him that he hadn't hit on what she had been surprised about, but whatever it was, she clearly wanted it to be let drop and by the time they were sat at the Hufflepuff table, their conversation had moved elsewhere, the whole deal settling into the back of Finn's mind to stay there until Saturday.
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Finn blinked blearily as his glass got topped up with the dark stout. His Uncle Diarmuid took each teenager's glass in turn and added a generous splash of whiskey to their Guinness. It wasn't for the taste. It was all about seeing them trashed but Finn and Moe still caught each other's eyes as they took big gulps without wincing. They had always, even back when they had so little watered-down whiskey that it couldn't be tasted at all, taken it as a challenge to see who could drink it with the least reaction. Finn was forced to concede that Moe won when the reminder of the last time he had drunk that combination - St Patrick's Day - turned his expression sour.
Hours later and the sun had disappeared in the same way that the group had become steadily more intoxicated: nobody really noticed it happening but when they did, it was so apparent that it had that they couldn't see how they hadn't seen it earlier. The beach was alive with Frazer family, friends and neighbours. Finn knew barely a quarter of the crowd there.
At some point he lost sight of Dirk, Wren, Libby and his cousins but he was sure they were somewhere, perhaps in the group in the shallows of the sea, perhaps those by the drinks, maybe elsewhere. He span around, looking with a frown which disappeared the moment his eyes fell on Libby. She leant against a plastic table which had been set up on the beach for food to be laid on, but now half of the food had gone and the rest was covered in sand that blew off the ground.
"Hey," he said quietly when he reached her. She stared back at him with the look of someone who was trying very hard to focus. "Are you okay?"
She swallowed but never opened her mouth, looking ill when she shook her head. Finn glanced at his watch. Twenty minutes left of 1978. He then looked around but still there was no obvious signs of the others.
"Come on," he said eventually. "Let's go inside."
She looked worse by the minute so he put an arm around her waist and steered her back towards his aunt's house. Ever the trusting small, safe village, the front door was open despite everyone else being down on the beach. He didn't even wait to see if Libby could climb the stairs herself but lifted her up and carried her bridal style. Her head lolled against his chest and when she tried to open her mouth to talk, she heaved and closed it again.
She left Finn's arms quickly when they reached the bathroom, diving for the toilet almost before Finn had released her from his grip. Dark amber liquid spewed from her mouth, the acidic smell burning their nostrils. Finn brushed her hair away from her face, holding it away from the vomit. Carefully, so as not to tug on her hair, he knelt next to her on the floor telling her over and over that it was okay. When she was done he was there to hold her cheek, wash her face clean and flush the contents of the toilet away.
"I'll get your toothbrush." He ran to Saoirse's room where Wren and Libby were sleeping and went to the bag he would have known was hers even if he hadn't seen it the day before when she arrived in Ireland. He felt embarrassed rifling through her things and the feeling intensified when he found himself face to face with a pair of knickers, so only after a hurried search where he grabbed the brush and left the room again did he then remember toothpaste. This time he went into his cousin Jarlath's room where three beds were made up for him, Moe and Dirk. He grabbed the bag with his own toothbrush and toothpaste in and returned to Libby in the bathroom.
His arm wrapped around her waist again as she brushed her teeth but she brushed him away and sat down on the floor. The taste of Guinness now seemed stronger in his mouth, so Finn took the time while she was happy enough on the floor to cover his own toothbrush in the spearmint paste.
He barely flinched as the noises outside increased and were joined by bangs, but Libby looked up at him, eyes wide and white dribble around her mouth.
"What's going on?"
Finn didn't blink, only glanced at his watch, at both hands pointing at the 12 and the date in the middle of switching back to 01/01. He spat the toothpaste out of his mouth and wiped away the residue before telling her, "It's midnight. Happy New Year."
When he crouched down next to her, ready to kiss her on the cheek, just because it seemed the right thing to do to ring in 1979, he was surprised to find tears welling up in her eyes and spilling over the pink skin he had been about to put his lips to.
"What's wrong?"
"I ruined it," she sobbed. "You invited me here and it was just supposed to be a good New Year but you missed it. You missed it because of me."
It was now that Finn leant forwards and kissed at the corner of her eye, wiping tears away with his bottom lip. "It's not ruined. I've had a great time. Really, you being here, it's been great. Loads better than last year. I didn't do anything. And the year before that we had this with nobody speaking English except my mum who wouldn't leave me alone because she knew I wouldn't keep talking at her in Irish. I don't remember ever having a New Year this good."
Her arms wound around his neck and he comforted her as best as he could. Finally she muttered quietly, "Finn, I think I'm a bit drunk," and he couldn't help let out a shaky laugh.
"You think a bit?" He ignored the frown which appeared on her face and lifted her up again to carry her to the bedroom. "Libby, you just threw up and you're crying over nothing. You're really drunk, but that's okay. We'll go and get you in bed, okay? It's going to be fine."
He put her down on her duvet and turned his eyes as she changed into the pyjamas still under the pillow from the night before. Her hand fell on his arm when she was done and Finn looked back at her, noticing but not commenting on the fact that her nightdress was inside-out. Instead he hugged her tightly.
"Happy New Year, Finn." Her voice was weak with fatigue and muffled by his jacket. Finn's head turned towards her as much as it could with their cheeks already so close in their embrace. His fingers played at the back of her nightie and all of a sudden he could imagine nothing but kissing her. His mind was overtaken by pictures of him pressing her back into her pillows, lips tangled, fingers in hair, in the same intense and romantic closeness he felt in just the hug. As his nose nudged on her face his lips tingled with anticipation. His hands shifted on her and he was about to pull far enough away to cup her cheek and do what he wanted so badly to do with her when he felt the change in her breathing. He let out a little sigh and lay the now sleeping girl down on the bed, pulled the covers over her and tucked them around her and kissed her forehead gently, though the urge still to kiss her properly was overwhelming.
She was asleep though. Her words all those months ago at his birthday came flooding back. He couldn't kiss her, not without tying himself to her as boyfriend and girlfriend because it would be a disrespect to her wishes first and the moment he tried to imagine himself with a girlfriend again, he stumbled back away from her bed, ending up on Wren's, huddled against the wall as far away from her he could get. He stared at her, internally freaking out. He had wanted to kiss her. He had wanted it with more intensity than he had wanted to kiss anyone in so many months, with an intensity he had only ever felt for one girl in the past and while he had let go of her, he couldn't bring himself around to the idea of feeling it for anyone but her. This feeling, it should have been Jen's and Jen's alone. He especially couldn't feel it for someone so naïve in love, someone who got so upset by her first kiss being at a party with someone she didn't know, someone who was adamant she wouldn't sleep with anyone until she was married, someone who would hurt and break so easily and months of therapy to remind Finn that he wasn't the cause of hurt and brokenness flew away in those few seconds as he convinced himself that he was the worst person for her. He would do nothing but take away her innocence and change her into something much less beautiful than she was already. He would ruin her like he ruined Jen and he would drive her to breaking whatever was left of his heart in a need to save herself from him.
He couldn't do it. He couldn't let himself fall for her and even if part of him knew he was already past the point of being able to catch himself he told himself that he couldn't like her, he couldn't want her, he couldn't love her.
He should move, he knew. He should get out of Wren's bed where he had curled up, still fully dressed a thick jacket made to survive an Irish coastal winter gale. His trainers were kicked haphazardly on the floor but otherwise he hadn't taken a single item of clothing off as he pulled the covers around him, staring at Libby, telling himself he would move soon, he would go to his own bed before Wren came back in from the New Year celebrations. He would do that in just a minute, but right now he had to keep looking at her, he had to work out what his heart was feeling, he had to figure out what he could do to stop it from feeling anything at all, he had to let his eyes close in heaviness, but it was okay, he wouldn't sleep, he would move in a second and he would figure it all out. He wouldn't sleep. He would open his eyes now. In a second. In a minute. He wouldn't slee—
It felt odd to him, as if he was invading in on another family's Christmas. Which he was, in a way. Maybe they weren't celebrating Christmas properly yet and maybe they wouldn't have been even if Finn hadn't been there - after all, Libby had seemed quite happy to have him around in the day to walk around the cold, windy coastal town of Great Yarmouth showing him everything from the beach, deserted save for a few fellow walkers, to the Britannia Pier, decorated with fairy lights which would have made much more of an impression if it were late enough for them to be turned on, to the quaint little houses near to her house. They got chips for lunch, then found a café selling roasted chestnuts to sit in with hot chocolates before walking back to her house, huddled close to each other against the power of the wind.
Dinner finished much later than Finn was used to, but there were still a few hours to wait around until Midnight Mass and it was in that lull that Finn's mood started to drop, thoughts of what he would be doing right now if his father wasn't in hospital, thoughts of the candle they would leave burning all evening, the glasses of brandy they all would indulge in, the fact that he had only ever been to Midnight Mass the few times he had been in Ireland for Christmas night, and all other years he was in bed well before midnight so that Father Christmas would have the time to bring his presents.
He was brought out of his solemn reverie by the suggestion that they exchange presents now so that Finn could go back to London soon after the service. His mother would not be home from her parents' house until Christmas morning and for that reason Finn had been offered a bed at the Mansfields', but he was reluctant to stay over at a place where he would not want to open his presents, would not have family as his first contact of the day, and would not be in his own bed come Christmas Day. In the end, he had decided he would prefer to spend Christmas night in a house alone and just trust in his mother getting home before he had been awake too long.
Mrs Frazer had made sure he had a box of biscuits and a bottle of wine to give to the Mansfields and in return, they presented Finn with a Christmas bouquet to take to St Mungo's with him. They also gave him a generic notepad which would, they supposed, be incredibly useful to him and which he smiled at politely, knowing that it would quickly end up in Moe's things as Finn never used them. It was then Finn's turn to express his concerns that maybe the t-shirt he had bought Libby wasn't quite the right shade of indigo and that the size was probably all off, but she assured him that she loved it and was sure it would fit perfectly. Heat started to rise in his cheeks where her lips then pressed a kiss, though he had no idea why such a friendly peck from such a good mate would make him blush.
"I'm afraid my present for you isn't nearly so great," she admitted, letting her hair fall in her face and Finn take the small, squidgy parcel off her. He was just excited to be having something to open already and though he had always been pretty strict on himself about not opening things early, even if he got them early, he wanted to be able to thank them straight away and after Libby had opened her present it seemed only fitting. He loved presents, however big or small, and for him it was sharing presents which made Christmas so great. So, when he ripped into the shiny red paper to reveal a pack of Pumpkin Fizz and a pocket-sized book of daily encouragements, his grin lit up the already seasonally coloured room. It might not have been the best present he had ever got, but it was by no means the worst, either, and his thanks were enthusiastic and genuine.
Finally, they were walking up the road towards St Mary's Roman Catholic Church. Finn stifled a yawn with one hand over his mouth and his other curled around Libby's cold fingers and the two of them trailed behind the other three members of her family. Their hands stayed entwined when they settled into a pew in the church, as they sang The First Nowell, as they heard the first Bible reading, through more hymns and more readings, through Finn stumbling over the words of the statement of belief in English, all the while until it was time for Finn's hand to leave Libby's to make the sign of the cross.
He found it was enlightening to hear the parts of the service not given in Latin in his native tongue. The readings were not all, as he had always imagined, Christmas stories, but also prophecies. The hymns had real meaning, rather than just the calming lull of Irish lyric. For the first time, Finn appreciated how much he sometimes missed out on with his family across the sea living in such a small Connacht village where English was a language learnt only for visits to bigger cities and from English-speaking relatives.
Now that the connection between them was broken, Finn found his eyes wandering to Libby when she bent her head in prayer, her hands clasped in front of her chest. Her father caught his eye from over her shoulders and Finn looked down hastily, clasping his eyes shut as if he too was focused on the priest's words. From then things started to drag and Finn struggled more and more with tiredness against the lengthy readings, responses and talking. The novelty of being able to understand a great part of what was being said wore off as Finn came to realise that even so it was still much the same service he had sat through in Irish multiple times. By the time they sang Adeste Fideles and the service ended, keeping his eyes open was a battle. Only the chilly December night which they walked out into and the reminder that he was now supposed to go to an empty, lonely house on Christmas Eve woke him up.
His steps slowed. He knew what he wanted and home wasn't it.
"Did you want to apparate straight away?" Libby asked.
Finn nodded. "I need to get to London."
The sense of urgency in his tone was perhaps all that was needed for Libby to understand what he meant. It was all her father needed to have picked up on when she turned to him pleadingly and with her mother and sister still walking on ahead, it was only he she had to persuade.
"You go with him to the hospital, nowhere else, and you get home by two."
Their hands entwined again and they both nodded, Finn just as much as Libby even if the instructions weren't for him. Then, in another second, there was a crack and they stood in the bright reception of St Mungo's. Finn led the way up to the fifth floor, down the now familiar corridor and walked into the private ward. Nobody else was around with the time of night on Christmas Eve so Finn wasted no time in rushing to his father's side, as if being closer was necessary to know if anything had changed, if leaving him alone the night before Christmas really was such a bad thing.
Libby had dropped into a seat, her face pale and Finn remembered that she hadn't yet seen his father in this state. He took a step away from his father, turning to reach his hand out to her, but already her head had bowed just as it had during the prayer at church. Finn swallowed. He didn't know what he was meant to do, so he settled on the side of the hospital mattress where he could hold onto his father's hand instead.
"Shouldn't you be in school?"
It felt like an age afterwards. Finn stared mouth open, not even daring to blink incase it turned back the past few minutes.
"It's Christmas Eve," Libby explained quietly when it became clear that Finn wasn't answering. The bemused smile on Eamon Frazer's face disappeared. The missing days registered, sense was made of Finn's stunned silence.
"Oh." He tried to sit up but groaned with the effort and pain and lay back in defeat. Finn frowned in concern but still he couldn't seem to find the words to say. "What time is it?" Eamon asked.
"It's actually about half past one Christmas morning." Libby was so matter-of-fact, it made Finn feel even less as if he could react rightly to the situation. It all seemed so surreal.
"A leanbh" Eamon reached out to Finn, pulling a face when tubes became taut. "Nollaig Shona Dhuit" Merry Christmas. Tears filled Finn's eyes but he didn't know why. It wasn't a sad moment. In actual fact it was probably the best Christmas present he had ever been given to have his dad back, but he felt comforted with his head leant on his father's hand and Libby coming to perch next to him, hand rubbing his knee.
"A leanbh," Eamon repeated. "I'm here."
"Dadaì, you're okay. You're really okay. Don't leave me again."
"Connie..."
All three of them turned their heads to the door where Mr Mansfield stood with a shocked medi-witch. He had stopped midway through telling her it was time to go home when he saw the bed-ridden man awake and the medi-witch exclaimed. Finn and Libby were hurried away from the bed and she fussed over her patient, asking a stream of questions and checking a plethora of tubes.
"I'm still here," Eamon said with a weak smile when the medi-witch had gone. "And I'm not going anywhere."
The assurance was enough to cause Finn to burst into tears, pouring out all his emotion from the past month. Once again it was the Mansfields to provide a distraction and talk to Eamon as Finn recovered. He stayed quiet for a while only seeming to grow in confidence the more it sank in finally that his dad really was here and awake and talking, laughing and joking as if nothing had changed.
It was nearly four in the morning when Libby and her father finally left, the girl hugging Finn tightly before she went. Eamon had fallen back asleep but the arrival, not long before he had done so, of his wife had kept the conversation running for the past hour. With the two of them left alone with the sleeping third of their family again for what could have been the hundredth time in the past few weeks, Finn looked to her in worry.
"He's in pain."
"I know, sweetheart." It wasn't a surprise to her, just as it shouldn't have been a surprise to Finn. He saw, though, more pain than he had expected. He had been determined to hide it but Finn noticed the grimaces he suppressed with every small movement. He noticed that his father quickly stopped trying to move. He noticed that just a short sentence was enough to leave him breathless.
"What happens now?" His voice shook. It was a Christmas miracle and the best present he could have wished for, but now anxiety set in. What if he had woken up just to be ill and in pain and never really get better?
Sensing his thoughts, his mother stroked his hair comfortingly. "Now we go home and go to sleep. We wake up tomorrow and we'll bring all the presents here. We have Christmas morning as a family and lunch with Nana and Grandpa. Then we'll come back here until it's time to go and get ready for you leaving on Saturday. Then next week... Well we'll see how things are going then when we get there."
Only when Finn got into his bed did the word of the homily finally sink in. Words of the peace and joy and hope of Christmas. It wasn't about getting presents, though for Finn generosity had always made him happier and it was why he had found himself without enough money to buy all the gifts he wanted. It was about family and that was why it was so good to see his father okay. Most of all, though, it was about hope and it was that hope which now filled him and gave him the faith that everything was going to be fine in the end.
They stepped down off the train, dragging bags behind. The farewells then came as individually friends rejoined family. Finn only said good luck to Dirk then set off out through the barrier and down platform 9 towards where his mother stood talking with a woman he didn't know.
"Are we going to the hospital?" he asked, no preamble and ignoring the other woman.
She had no time to answer before a voice chirped up "Merry Christmas, Finn!"
He was immediately distracted, turning to her and dropping his bag at his mother's feet so that he could pull the Hufflepuff into a hug. "You too, Libby. Have a really good holiday."
"Thanks! I will try. We should really meet up at some point. I could come to London, or if you want to come round to mine, at all, Mum-"
"This is your daughter?"
The two teenagers turned to stare at Mrs Frazer for her interruption. She was looking at the woman she had been talking to, both of them looking fairly surprised that their children were, in fact, friends.
"Oh well in that case, we really must have Finn around at some point in the holidays. It's the least I can do with all you have going on. Can I give you my telephone number?"
"Of course, of course," Mrs Frazer nodded. "And if Constance wants-" Finn glanced at Libby, but she had a blank face as if she was too used to adults calling her by the name she would never have chosen for herself "-my sister-in-law has kindly offered to put some of Finn's friends up for my husband's family New Year do, as he'll be going alone this year. It is in Ireland, but... Well I can ring you and we can discuss it more then."
As Mrs Mansfield handed over a piece of paper with the 11 digits neatly written, Libby and Finn shared a bemused look. There seemed little choice they had in the matter, but Finn had to admit he was happy to spend some of his Christmas holidays with her, especially if his mother was going to be so insistent on him enjoying them. Another hug and goodbye, then Finn was apparating home with his mother to drop off just his fortnight bag before heading off to the hospital where there was little development, little response and little to do be sit and wait in hope.
