#*calthazar

A sigh slipped out as he wiggled the ear buds in and hit play before shutting the door behind him. He wasn't all that convinced that this was a good idea but his cousin had insisted. The song playing just made him think of him and another sigh slipped passed his lips as he hit the next button.

Turn the lock and put my headphones on He always said he didn't get this song But I do, I do

Inias had made a good case about how he should get back out there but truthfully things were still hurting from the last time he'd let someone get close. Sure, Balthazar wasn't just some guy and he doubted that the other would be the sort to use him but he was still fearful. 

The cafe he was meeting the other was only a few blocks from his dorm room making for an easy walk. 

Walked in expecting you'd be late But you got here early and you stand and wave I walk to you

There was no hiding the surprise on his face at seeing Balthazar already there, a smile on his face as he stood and gave a small wave to the other. Had his previous relationships seriously but that much of a damper on how he viewed things?

Balthazar' easy charm helped put him as ease as they settled in the booth and ordered their coffee. Small talk filled the silence as they waited for the waiter to bring their drinks. 

Hesitance on both parts was clear as they chatted, the talk slowly moving from school to things they did for fun. The lame joke that Castiel told made Balthazar laugh, the full body, little kid sort of laugh that Cas wasn't used to. 

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did

It took Cas a moment before he joined in and chuckled with him. The idea that someone found him funny was still foreign to him. 

They lost track of time as they talked. Everything from school to books and music to movies and their family. For the first time in a very long time, Castiel had hope. Not just about them but about romance in general. There was an idea now that maybe not everyone would treat him like the others had, not everyone would use him to their own ends. 

The waves shocked him more than the fact he was in water; he fought his way to shore, shakily standing as soon as he could. It didn’t matter much though, because as soon as he was standing upright in the knee deep water he was tackled back down.

The person held on even as they splashed back into the water, pulling him back up to the surface, “I’m sorry, I’ve just missed you.” He smiled at his sister, pushing her vibrant red hair out of her face for her, pulling her along as they waded towards the shore line. Rachel and Gabriel both came over to greet him, both less enthusiastic than Anna’s.

He looked around, searching desperately for his brother. Gabriel looked towards the shore line as another washed up, going down to help his brother out of the water, loudly asking about his female vessel. He let out a shaky breath, sinking down to sit there, staring out at the waves, waiting.

The three took turns sitting with him, knowing it would do no good to try to persuade him to move, even against the comments of their less understanding brethren. They’d all been shocked when Uriel told his former superiors to stop catcalling and leave him to wait. The tiny nod he gave the other was the most cooperation they’d shown in many, many, many years.

Day and night never passed here, it was ideal, never too hot or cold, never too bright or dim, telling time was impossible. It felt like eons that he sat there, looking out at the surf, torn between wanting him to appear in the waves and wanting him safe, alive and well.  Anna came to sit beside him, resting her head on his shoulder, slipping her hand in his, silent in her support, knowing that he would never truly be happy without the other.

Rachel would usually just sit beside him, keeping an eye on the ocean; they weren’t the closest but she did understand the relationship between her general and his weapons keeper. Gabriel would sit entirely too close and talk the whole time, regaling tales of his time as a pagan god, trying to distract him from his pain, knowing how dangerous sorrow could become in their kind.

All four were sitting there; Rachel on Anna’s other side, Gabriel’s incessant babble trailing off as they watched the waves batter a body, pushing it towards the shore. He held his breath as it washed onto shore, laying still, not making an attempt at getting up.

He looked over at Rachel, jerking his head towards to form, leaving Anna and Gabriel while they checked. He let out a shaky breath as they drew closer; knowing from that mop of hair that it was the one he’d been waiting for. Rachel let out a sigh and helped him pull his fighting angel out of the water up to the grassy area he’d been keeping a watch from.

They both knelt beside him, waiting for him to open his eyes. He saw the shock in those beautiful blue eyes as he realized who he was looking at. “Hello, brother,” was all he could think to say, knowing that the smile on his face conveyed all the other things he might have said, trusting Castiel to read that nothing had changed. He turned to Rachel, regret crossing his features even as she smiled, telling him that he was home.

 He realized in that moment that he may have been in the heaven reserved for angels that had died but it had never been paradise to him. He looked over at the drenched angel, huddling into his side and thought that maybe now it would be. 

Floating, he’d been floating for so long. He almost wished he would’ve stayed sunken in that lake the Leviathans drove him into. He didn’t understand why he’d suddenly started rising to the surface, lost in some ocean that wasn’t anywhere he remembered. He sputtered for awhile, trying to swim but the ocean seemed endless and he grew so tired, he gave up and relaxed until he was floating.

The waves were crashing into him now, tossing him about like a rag doll instead of the angel he was; they battered him until he could barely take it anymore and then they were gone, just a soft push slowly surrounding him then retreating. He lay there, not wanting to get up, not wanting to try to do anything; he felt he deserved this meaningless existence. He killed those trying to help, hurt the ones he cared about, destroyed the one he loved above all others.

 He didn’t know how long he laid there, resting in the sand, the tide crashing into him, never retreating for low tide or engulfing him for high tide. He heard voices but didn’t move, didn’t react at all; it was just his subconscious playing tricks on him; they couldn’t possibly be here, wherever here was.

He fought when he felt two pair of hands dragging him out of the water, he wanted to stay there, he had nothing left. They dragged him up to the grassy area he’s never noticed and laid him on his back, one softly brushing his hair out of his face. ‘Hello brother’ the one said and he realized, Balthazar was kneeling beside him, fingers tangled in his hair, in his favored British vessel, the one he’d driven a sword through in his souls-hazed mind.

Before he could even think to speak the other spoke, "You’re home at last." He glanced over, shocked to see Rachel, in her favored vessel smiling softly, nodding as if to answer the unspoken question about where they were.

He let Balthazar help him up, leaning heavily on his brother, his mind working at a frenzied pace; how was he back in heaven after everything that happened?

He lifted his head, jaw dropping as he saw Michael, Lucifer, Raphael, Anna, Uriel, Zachariah, even Gabriel hidden amongst the others that had been struck down. Suddenly he understood; this wasn’t heaven, but he couldn’t really care anymore, he was home.

Cas hissed, glaring up at Balthazar, who just sighed, “Don’t look at me like that Cassie.” He swiped the rag gently over the cut on Cas’ eyebrow.  “What happened anyway?” Castiel sighed, “I was attacked.” Balthazar pulled Cas’ hand up to hold the rag in place, “Damn thing won’t stop bleeding.” 

He grabbed another rag, wiping at the blood on his chin from the busted lip.  “Why are you doing this the human way?” 

Balthazar glanced up at him before focusing on the cut, running his finger over it lightly to make sure it had indeed stopped bleeding.  “Let me ask you something, why do you help the Winchesters hunt when you have bigger things to worry about?”

The question was spit out, disdain for the boys clear.  He checked the cut on Castiel’s cheek, which had already scabbed over; he dabbed to with an alcohol soaked cotton ball, ignoring Cas’ hiss, cleaning off the excess blood, “Why do you care so much?”

Castiel looked at him confused, unaccustomed to seeing his brother so angry, “Those people needed me help.” 

Balthazar chuckled humorlessly, “Why do you even try to lie to me?” Cas looked at the ground as Balthazar pulled the rag away from his face, “You’ve always been an open book Cassie.  I know that you actually care about what happens to humanity, so the question becomes; If Dean had stayed with Lisa and Sam didn’t take up hunting again, if they were out of it would you still care, or would you simply say that there are other hunters in this world to take care of the nasty monsters?” 

Cas look up at his brother, who was standing at the sink washing out the rags, “I would care, Balthazar, you know this.” 

Balthazar stiffened, “I don’t doubt that you’d care Castiel, I’m just saying that if it weren’t for the Winchesters you wouldn’t be down here in the thick of it with vampires or djinns or whatever else it is. You’d be more worried about Raphael and the war; you wouldn’t be running yourself into the ground like you are.  You ask why I bother with the ‘human way’.  It’s because I know if I just heal you like you want me to, you’ll leave again straight away instead of taking a moment to relax and gather your strength.  I honestly could care less about this planet, humanity and this war.  None of it matters if you aren’t alright.”

The touch was light at first, a barely there sweep of grace against his wing, unsee on this plane that made Castiel shoot a look over to Balthazar, his words stuttering for a moment as he carried on the conversation with Sam and Dean about some monster in town that they were hunting. 

He knew the other angel didn’t approve of him spending so much time with the Winchesters when he had other things to do but this was a new level of sabotage. 

Balthazar gave him an innocent face as he silently worked to straighten out kinks in his winks, too long held in by his grace. 

If either human noticed the stutter, they didn’t say anything, the elder of the two babbling on about what they’d need to stop said monster and what sort of timeline they were looking at. 

Castiel let his eyes slipped closed, enjoying the treatment, even as he tried not show it in front of the boys. Not that he would ever admit it (even to himself), he did enjoy the attention to detail that Balthazar was giving, the soft touch of grace against his, near a caress, making him feel more connected to home than he had in months. 

When the touch roamed over his vessel, Castiel opened his eyes and glanced over at his brother, question in his eyes as the boys continued to drone on, arguing about how to kill the monster. 

“Your wings are not the only thing that needs attention, Cassie." 

His ears immediately tuned out the foreign tongue in favor of his mother tongue, the reply near instant, "Here is not the place for such things, brother.” 

Balthazar just grinned and continued to work, massaging out aches Cas hadn’t even known were there. Watching his brother try not to squirm or make noise as grace worked him made his smile grow to the point he had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from letting the Winchester’s notice. 

“You need to relax, brother dearest, and here is not the place to do it.”

Cas couldn’t hold back the chuckle (which thankfully came out right as Dean snorted at Sam), “And I suppose the house you’re staying in is the place to do it?”

A shrug was the answer as grace tweaked that one spot at the base of Castiel’s wings that made him bite his lip and clench his eyes closed to avoid crying out. 

“Now that you mention it…”

The look on Cas’ face was enough to make Sam notice and look over, “Angel call?”

“It’s nothing of import…" 

Sam stared for a few moments longer before turning back to his brother, rapidly reengaging him in the discussion about the hunt. 

"Nothing of import? I’m a tad hurt there, darling. Here I was thinking how much you could benefit from some time alone with me. I’ve so many ideas…" 

The silence that was Castiel’s answer only served Balthazar to continue. “I was thinking you could use a good long soak in the tub, let the water nearly lull you to sleep and your poor little fingers and toes are shriveled before you get out. Perhaps a massage, work out the kinks in those muscles of yours you forget you need to take care of.” 

Castiel wiggled his nose but gave no other reaction to indicate that he was listening to his brother.

“Once you were good and relaxed, I’d work you open, taking my time to slowly, teasingly, refuse to touch you other than the fingers buried in you, gently brushing your prostate, the contact never more than a tease until you rocked your hips, silently asking for more. I’d tease you til you were fucking yourself back on my fingers before I gave you what you wanted, sinking into you as slow as I cou—”

His words were cut off as Castiel disappeared, leaving his smirking brother and the bewildered Winchesters behind. 

"Where’d he gone?” The attitude in Dean’s voice made Balthazar huff and stand, “Guess the call was important after all.”

He sighed at the sight of the other walking up. They’d been through this over and over. He knew it was just some trick of purgatory, meant to torture him over and over again. “Go away."

Cas tilted his head, staring at Balthazar. He knew what he’d done to the other angel but had hoped he’s be able to make things right. “Balthazar…" Balthazar stiffened, determined not to look at him. This hallucination again. He’d been haunted by visions of Cas since he ended up here. 

"Nope. I don’t what you are or what you want but if you’re gonna take on that face, you need to go away." Too many times a monster had acted like Cas, too many times had he believed he’d really been reunited with his beloved brother. He wasn’t going to fall for it this time. 

"It’s not a trick, Balthazar." He moved to stand in front of his brother, trying to get him to look at him. He knew he didn’t deserve forgiveness for what had happened between them but he had hope that maybe he could make things right. “I’m really me."

Balthazar sighed, “It’s really not funny anymore. If I could smite you damn monsters I would." Cas reached out a hand slowly, resting it on Balthazar’s shoulder. “I’m not a monster." Balthazar’s eyes locked on the hand on his shoulder. “Prove it."

That had tripped up the last few monsters trying to torture him. Castiel sighed, trying to think of something that only they would know…only something an angelic being would know. “When I was dragged back to face the host for my apparently loss of direction, you were the only one that stood for me. The only one who even tried to defend my actions." 

Balthazar stared at ground, trying to decide if this was real. Sure that information was only known the host but how many of his siblings had he run into here. Anna, Gabriel, Rachel, Uriel, Zachariah…the list went on. This is where they went when they died though none of them had changed their face.