#(probs)

I love the girls and the money and the shame of life

…

Now see, first of all…amazing, I love the way you think. Strap-ons are always a fantastic option which I’m sure the Emerald City has a delightful if potentially alarming array of, and I too have reservations about making out with a burlap bag.

Second of all, in fairness, the crack post I made wasn’t JUST about the boy’s lack of functioning penis, it was goofing on the “looking at things a different way” line, which is APPARENTLY a matter of serious contention I very honestly was previously unaware of. Like it is a Whole Thing, I have since discovered. Unfortunately, by ending my crack post on a dysfunctional penis joke, I fear I hit something of a soft spot, for lack of a better term. Since that very ill-fated day, I have learned that there’s a bit of a cultural difference in varying corners of the Wicked fandom. As follows:

Among Elphaba and Glinda enjoyers/gelphie shippers, it is customary to brutally bully both girls, write long analyses about them, make fun of them, emotionally skewer them, wistfully imagine what-if scenarios, then go right back to bullying them, all whilst drawing little glitter hearts around them.

NOT SO for the straw boy stans, for whom I have learned that boy is a noble, self-sacrificing Christlike figure, of which the goofing-upon is a sin punishable by firing squad (or a strongly-worded essay I received which honestly in an academic setting would get a D-minus at best - speaking of being minus a D, Fiyercrow doesn’t have a functioning penis)

Frankly, I LOVE the idea that once upon a time there were straw boy enjoyers who joked about which vegetable our boy is equipped with, those sound like my kind of people. Unfortunately, I think those people were probably fans of the stage play, back when Wicked was for theater nerds only. Now that it’s a blockbuster smash hit, the larger fandom has become something of a battleground for stan culture, performative leftism, non-existent ship wars, and rampant bigotry from straight women who are devastated that Wicked centers around the relationship between two very different women changing each other amidst political strife, rather than being a straightforward romance about a misunderstood outcast girl who fights evil with her hot boyfriend Jonath- I mean Fiyero.

I love the idea that many eons ago, I might have been friends with a Fiyero enjoyer, and we might have covered the important questions—Important questions such as: Was Fiyero’s public role propagating a military presence across Oz morally defensible if ultimately it was done for love? And: Would it be funny to call Fiyercrow’s plant penis a cumquat, or is that low-hanging fruit?

In a similar vein: Are Fiyero’s actions in Act 2 largely selfless as they revolve around devotion to Elphaba and culminate in self-sacrifice for her escape, or are they largely selfish as he uses his position and privilege to fight NOT for Elphaba’s cause, but for Elphaba’s affection, while simultaneously stringing along another woman and being the poster boy for the dictator’s task force? Also: If you write Elphaba and Fiyercrow porn, is it called cornography?

Along those lines: In what way is Fiyero’s new perspective on beauty superior to Glinda’s new perspective on morality, and does gender play a role in the verdict? Also: If Fiyercrow gets an STD and develops a temperature because of it, do they call it hay fever?

Important questions, and I feel like maybe old-school theater weirdo Fiyero fans would at least humor me, even if they rightfully found me somewhat irksome. But instead we are in movie-verse militant stan territory, where everyone’s angry and snarly and no one finds my horticultural genitalia antics endearing.

Alas. Cultural misunderstanding, lads, I’m used to playing a bit rougher with my faves in the gelphie corner of the fandom, I truly meant no ill will. May peace flourish between our two nations, etc, etc.

(that said…fiyercrow still doesn’t have a functioning penis)

Zayne: “Just one more spoonful.”

MC: “You said that seven spoonfuls ago!”

Caleb: “Aw cmon Pipsqueak, he looks adorable eating the batter.”

MC: “We need that batter for the cake, or do you want a really small cake?”

Rafayel: “Wouldn’t be the only small thing he has.”

Caleb: “Says the shortest guy here.”

Rafayel: “My shortness adds to my cuteness.”

MC: “Xavier don’t put that in the batter.”

Xavier: “Too much sugar?”

MC: “No, it’s because that’s salt.”

Xavier: “Oh.”

Sylus: “I finished coloring the frosting.”

MC: “Thanks…Sylus they’re all red.”

Rafayel: “Actually that’s one is carmine, that’s crimson, that there is cherry and that-”

MC: “Eirher way we need more variety. Like pinks and whites and stuff.”

Sylus: “Well I don’t know what to tell you kitten.”

MC: “Well how about ‘Ok I’ll go make some more colors’.”

Sylus: “…fine.”

MC: “Thanks you. Xavier that’s not sugar either, let Caleb help you or something.”

Xavier: “I’m a perfectly capable baker.”

MC: “Do I need to remind you what happened last Valentine’s Day?”

Xavier: “…Raf, can you help me?”

Rafayel: “Of course my shooting star.”

MC: “Caleb, how are the decorations coming?”

Caleb: “For a beginner I’d say the fondant cats are looking amazing.”

MC: “…those are cats?”

Caleb: “…I tried my best, ok?”

MC: “Of course you did and they look amazing.”

Caleb: “Thank you!”

Super cute Cackling goose (?)

this was meant to be a "ooo chill gonna dip my toe back into drawing" thing, and then,

"I always thought you were the bravest man I ever met. I guess I was wrong"

Hey what an insane thing to say after you just got done belittling Merlin for getting you ready for battle and him telling you he's not coming. This is the shit I'm talking about when I say I have such a problem with Arthur. Because like wtf dude. You can clearly see that Merlin is scared and your only way of dealing with that is to guilt-trip the man????? What????

It just shows how Arthur has such a hard time looking outside of himself, even at the END of the fucking series. It's always 'what is this person going to do for me' not 'this person is clearly having a hard time, and we should discuss that so that I can make sure this person is ok'

Like at this moment Merlin is exactly what Arthur thinks he is, a powerless servant, and we as the audience know he's going on his own mission to help aid Arthur but Arthur doesn't, he just knows that this man that's been by his side for legit everything is finally drawing the line at what was the most terrifying fight they ever had waged. And instead of being understanding to that plight he calls Merlin a coward?????

Now I do think it comes from a place of projection. That Arthur is truly scared at that moment and is looking at this man saying, in everything but words, he is scared too but instead of facing that fear he's running from it like Arthur would like to. So Arthur lashes out in an almost 'I wish I could run too' kind of way but since I can't, I'm going to be mad that you can.

But well, that's how children handle emotions. Again this scene should have shown how much Arthur had grown into the well-meaning King of the people, but instead we get a scene where we are shown just how little Arthur had changed over the years.

Yes Arthur wants Merlin there and that's completely normal, fine with me even, but he should also be relieved that the servant that is always throwing himself into situations that would get him killed is finally choosing to sit back and let others handle it (Even if we as an audience know that he's not) like he is always asking him to do!

And we take that response and compare it to Gwaine's response when Merlin is legit cowering in the woods, terrified and screaming his name and completely powerless as a man tried to kill him with an axe, and we see Gwaine helping Merlin, not saying a word about his asking for someone else to handle the problem for him and just doing it. And yes that was a little more of a life and death situation but even afterwards when there was space to pick at him, he just asks if Merlin was ok and follows that up with a "No need to thank me Merlin. It was the least I could do" You all have to see that difference.

And these scenes happen pretty much back to back. Like it's the next time we see Merlin. So I have to believe the writers put them there so we could compare the two and see how a 'friendship' is supposed to react to something like that. (More points to my Gwaine and Arthur are foils of each other, but that's for another day)