#((it's... a lot))

Let's start this off from the beginning of episode 4. Porsche wakes up in Pete's bed, knows he kissed someone, can't remember, and spends the rest of the first half of the episode trying to piece things together. I know we like to joke about Porsche having a single braincell (and honestly sometimes boy... lol) but he's not an idiot and he does know how to read people. You can't be a good bartender or survive taking care of your family, young and alone, without having a decent grasp on human nature.

I think when Kinn called him up to the balcony and started asking him questions he left that conversation with a flickering of oh, I remember something happened and now Kinn is acting strangely (a theme he vocalizes later in the sauna). I think he's thinking, what did I do this time to make Kinn act so strangely (soft and flirtatious and joking around) towards me?

After he sees Kinn with his escort, realizes Kinn is gay, remembers what happened on the pier, and that what happened wasn't something he did but Kinn kissing him, he asks Pete if you should kiss someone you don't like (and the subtitles changed so don't at me...) , or aren't in a relationship with (or perhaps intentionally pursuing because you like them). Now, obviously, you can kiss people you don't like, but perhaps are just physically attracted to, and I'm sure something is lost in the translation. That or I'm just reading too much into it and Pete saying you only kiss people you like, 'cause baby boy, that ain't true. Side note, I have a feeling Pete might come to realize it isn't true when we get to the point of him with Vegas, but that's an entirely different egg to crack open. (I have also not read that far.)

Now, here, is where I want to point out just how differently Porsche reacts to what happened and how fucking ecstatic I am that they changed it completely. In the novel, Porsche struggles with a lot of internalized homophobia, though he's okay with Yok, who is trans, he mentions it took him some time to be okay with her, but he still recoils at people he thinks might be gay or someone of the same gender expressing interest in him. He frequently compliments men's looks, not just in a friendly way, and thinks about how attractive some men are, Kinn especially. In the novel, once he really realizes he's physically and sexually attracted to Kinn, Porsche has a fucking meltdown of an internal crisis over it. He even goes as far as hitting on all his guy friends trying to reason out why Kinn would be behaving the way he is towards him, and why he kind of likes it (but doesn't, but does, but doesn't etc.). The boy is a mess and in complete denial.

I'm assuming a lot here, and reading between the lines, but how I interpreted it was, Porsche had, at some point in his youth, like a lot of queer youth, gotten a lot of negative feedback about same sex attraction that really dug into his bones, and so whenever he feels anything more than friendship towards another man he freaks out and tries to bury it, all the while wanting it so badly he can't stop himself. i.e. kissing Kinn back and allowing Kinn to essentially do whatever he pleases while being vocally grumpy about it. In the novel, he doesn't know who he is when it comes to his sexuality, he's deep in denial about being bi, and actively fights against it.

The show ripped that all away and gave us the true chaotic bi king we love and adore, and who he should have been in the novel imo. Show Porsche is open, honest to a fault, accepting, understanding. Now, we haven't gotten verbal confirmation that Porsche is bi in the show, but from everything I've witnessed so far I feel safe in saying he's bi, pan, or just plainly doesn't give a fuck as long as he's getting pleasure from his encounters. He seems open to Kinn's attraction as well as his own, though to say for certain we will have to wait until episode 5, where I'm hoping they touch on this subject some more, and I hope it's on the good side in line with the changes from novel Porsche we've gotten so far. (I'm down for some turmoil about him having sex with his boss, but please keep the biphobia out please please).

As much as I'd like to get more into the lead up to the real juicy stuff, I just don't have the energy. So, let's get into the gritty of it, shall we? The drugging scene. We finally made it here. A lot faster than I was expecting? Absolutely. Does it still feel organic after the previous three episodes? If Kinn hadn't said Porsche had been at the compound for a month, yes, but since he did, no.

Porsche has been with Kinn, Khun, the other bodyguards, for a whole month. He's been learning, adjusting, actively trying to become a better bodyguard. The reasons behind his change of heart seem to be him finally coming to the realization of what a serious situation he's landed himself in. It's life or death, his life isn't the only one on the line here, it's everyone around him as well. He's clearly beginning to really care about the well-being of his fellow bodyguards (mainly Pete, Arm, Pol) and Khun and Kinn.

Also, after episode 3, it was clear to me that Porsche finds Kinn physically attractive, and I do believe wanting some kind of approval from Kinn was another motivator. He's curious about Kinn, he's attracted to him, he's leaning into it.

Kinn, poor baby, is having a beautiful emotional crisis, and a lot of that I think is thanks to Mile really pouring his entire being into fleshing Kinn out and turning him into a "well" rounded person rather than the power hungry, totally domineering, bastard asshole, very surface, no depth, Kinn we have in the novel. The changes they've made to Kinn are fucking delightful, and I'm adoring the added depth and emotional vulnerability they've given him.

In the novel, Vegas sexually assaults Porsche. Without penetration, but Kinn does find him in his underwear with marks all over his body. This was one of the parts I was most worried about them adapting in the show. (I will note here, I have not read past the official translation of 1/4 of the novel--which ends with my favorite spicy scene so far and god I hope they give it to us!--the rest I have sought out from fans so it's not a complete picture). The change they made was nice (as nice as beginning to assault someone can be...), and I'm glad we didn't have to go that far. They've clearly changed Vegas a bit, though how much is yet to be seen. I'm holding my judgment for now.

Kinn's internal monologue during the drugging scene is, well, rough to say the least. But that can be said for the novel as a whole. Reading it felt like reading a fic written by a teenager from the early 00's, and not in the good way. Kinn seems like a consent King, but after telling Porsche he'd stop if Porsche told him to, he doesn't. He fucks Porsche all night long, to the point of needing to take him to the hospital the next day because he's bleeding heavily and in a lot of pain. It has its hot moments, but it's rough and gross, and I'm so glad it's been changed in the show.

What the show gave us is stunning in comparison. What the show gave us is fucking beautiful imo. Porsche, after remembering Kinn kissed him, after witnessing him with his escort, after listening to Pete, Porsche takes all of that information and once again, leans into it. He goads Kinn, he flirts with him, he asks him questions not any normal bodyguard would ask. "If your brother didn't give me up, would you even think to take me back?" Any other guard wouldn't give a shit, but Porsche needs to know. There are so many reasons this could be, but I think the main factors are a need for approval, his newfound desire to protect this family, his attraction and curiosity for Kinn, and a need to prove himself as a competent man, which he is in all rights when he puts his mind to something.

There's also something to be said about an unspoken and underlying desire to be cared for, something Porsche has never really had for most of his life. He's always been the caretaker, for Che, for his uncle even. I know y'all noticed how good he is at taking care of Tankhun? It's because he's in a familiar roll, he knows how to do this with ease. Kinn on the other hand? Someone who doesn't need coddling and caring for? He doesn't know how to handle that, but after his initial rebellion, after seeing some different sides of Kinn, he wants back in. I think, subconsciously at this point, he sees how Kinn would take care of him and he wants it.

Yes, Porsche is drugged. Yes, being under the influence makes consent iffy, but it does not mean Porsche did not give his consent or wasn't able to. Porsche may not have given verbal consent, what he did do is give consent in every other possible way, and that is what Kinn responded to. Porsche joked with Kinn about wanting to see him naked, playfully slapped his hands away, and each time Kinn respectfully pulled back. Those examples are a clear lack of consent, and Kinn responded appropriately to them. But as soon as Porsche changed gears so did Kinn, still yet with reluctance because of Porsche's state and also his brewing feelings. It wasn't one-sided, it was a push and pull on both ends.

I know there will be some who disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm pulling from my own experiences here, and what I saw in episode 4 was consensual and not rape in the slightest. I've done a lot of things in my 30+ years that I'm not proud of, certainly, but even fall-over drunk, even sky-high on drugs, I was able to give and deny consent. Was it a good idea? Of course not. Do I have regrets? Some. But being young and reckless, well, me and Porsche seem to have that in common. I mean, Porsche is in his early twenties, and my early twenties were quite literally a blur of alcohol, drugs, parties, and bad (but fun) decisions.

Porsche was high as a kite, but he was also coherent. Porsche was the one pulling Kinn in. Porsche was the one verbally and non-verbally saying yes, please, I know you want this, I want it too can't you see? Let me show you. Not to mention, no sugarcoating, having sex when you're high is fucking awesome and, frankly, I don't think this is a first for Porsche. Also, I want to mention, and this is really important, if you throw up while you're high it does sober you up a bit. It dampens the experience and brings you back into your mind. I can say this with absolute certainty, I've done it several times.

Another thing I want to point out in regard to consent is Porsche never once told Kinn no. Never once did he tell him to stop. Porsche was smiling constantly, he was taking initiative, he was undressing Kinn himself, he wanted all of what happened. Will he regret it the next day? Probably. We will have to wait and see. But bottom line, the show changed this scene for the better, a lot better.

Anyway, this was less of an analysis and more of a thought word vomit 'cause I've been wanting to talk about this scene for weeks now, and I'm also sick and tired of people saying it was rape in the tags. Kinn did not rape Porsche. Porsche gave non-verbal consent, and yes it is possible to give consent when under the influence, even if it's not a good idea. This is not the hill we need to be dying on. Let's wait for VegasPete for that, shall we?