#( crack!

Khoa, hitting his head against a table:

Dick, trying really hard not to pay him attention:

Jason, who doesn't give a fuck: What-?

Khoa, in despair: I'M IN LOVE WITH A WHITE MAN!!

Dick: Oh shit. RIP

Jason, offended: Wait a minute ..

Khoa: And he's fucking American!

Dick, actually starting to feel bad for him: Oof, that's actually rough.

Jason: Dick?! Are you seriously -?

Khoa: AND FROM NEW JERSEY!!

Dick, patting his back:

is the thought provoking political art in the room with us

Severus is the type who only has Instagram because his friends (Lily) forced him to make one at some point in his life, and he literally never uses it except to look at other accounts he finds interesting—usually ones about people doing things or educational accounts. He has only one photo, which he uploaded because someone (Lily) made him do it so his profile wouldn’t be empty. It’s a blurry, contextless picture of the night sky. The only people following him are his Slytherin classmates, and he doesn’t follow anyone because he just saves posts and videos that interest him. He has no clue about trends, influencers, or any of that nonsense, and if you want to see pictures of him, you’ll have to check the tagged photos section, which is full thanks to other people.

Lily has the typical Instagram of an average high school girl—photos with her friends, pictures of coffee, shots of Hogwarts in autumn when the leaves start falling, and that kind of aesthetic-but-secretly-trying-to-gain-followers content while not wanting anyone to notice. Her profile bio has some motivational quote from a self-help book, and her stories are perfectly categorized: study notes, friends, and scenic landscapes. Every morning, she posts a photo with a caption that looks like it came from a sugar packet.

James is the classic guy who only posts pictures of himself doing bro things—casual “candid” shots posing with his broomstick, “candid” photos with his friend’s motorcycle. Every single one is a casual shot where he’s looking off to the side in a perfectly rehearsed pose. He also posts victory pictures from Quidditch matches and, of course, videos of his workout routines—just in case people forget he’s a total gym bro. Occasionally, he’ll share political posts in his stories, calling for justice or advocating for the rights of the oppressed, but he also posted pictures from his last trip to Kenya with his parents, where he filmed the locals and captioned it with something like "They’re so happy with so little," or took photos with kids as if they were part of a theme park attraction.

Sirius has an Instagram dedicated exclusively to pissing off his mother. He knows that his brother and cousins show her everything (okay, maybe not Regulus and Narcissa, but definitely that bitch Bellatrix), so since he knows she’s watching, he posts the most outrageous things possible: videos of himself drunk and destroying public property, clips of him spray-painting “fuck purebloods” on a wall, pictures with pro-Muggle slogans, photos of himself with his motorcycle, in Muggle clothes, and in Muggle places. His entire account is designed to make Walburga lose her mind and to prove to the world that he’s not a rich boy—until, suddenly, posts appear of his luxury trips with James to Ibiza, St. Tropez, or Capri. But don’t worry, he totally kept up his rebellious persona there too—like that one time he got drunk and jumped from one hotel balcony to another.

Remus doesn’t use Instagram much. He mostly posts photos of landscapes he likes or interesting things he sees when traveling with his parents. He has a few pictures with his friends but barely any of himself. Most of his stories are things like “Another day at the library” with a shot of his notes.

Peter posts every time he goes out with his friends. Every. Single. Time. His feed and stories are full of photos and videos of himself with James and Sirius, documenting every little thing they do. He’s the classic guy who posts a picture of four beers with the caption "Out with the lads" or uploads a group photo with a long caption like, "Another year, the four of us together, my best mates, always having the best time hahaha," followed by a summary of each friend's antics. The definition of a basic bro who has followers purely by association.

Narcissa is basically a fashion influencer. She posts daily outfit pics, skincare routines, and perfectly aesthetic couple photos with Lucius, always looking flawless in luxurious locations that she got into for free thanks to brand sponsorships. She’s like a wizarding Chiara Ferragni, constantly talking about family values, posing with her sisters, and building her whole brand around beauty, elegance, and high fashion.

Andromeda has a private Instagram because she doesn’t want certain people snooping where they don’t belong. She just posts personal stuff about her daily life—nothing special. Some pictures with friends, some travel shots, photos with Ted. Just normal person things.

Bellatrix claims she doesn’t have Instagram, but in reality, she has multiple fake accounts to spy on people she hates. She tries to get accepted by private accounts of people she dislikes just so she can expose them later.

Regulus isn’t much of a poster. He has a few pictures of Quidditch and some shots of the Slytherin common room—he’s more into capturing moments rather than being in them. He barely updates his account, maybe posting once every six or seven months. He’s the kind of person who keeps installing and uninstalling the app and frequently forgets his password because, honestly, he doesn’t care about it at all.

Lucius is Narcissa’s fiancé, and that is his entire online personality. He’s the classic rich boyfriend of a fashion influencer, posting elegant outfits that have to match hers. Half his feed is just reposts of photos she uploaded. He’s also the guy who posts pictures with his rich friends at their country club, posing with a glass of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other, even though they’re only 20 and still have baby faces. His entire aesthetic screams Burberry model.

Gilderoy has an Instagram where he fakes luxury travel to places he’s never actually been. He has a million followers, all of whom he bought. He pretends to be an up-and-coming influencer, but all of his comments are either bots or himself, using one of his 27 fake accounts to hype up his own posts. He also edits his photos to make it look like he attends important events, and honestly, he’s so good at it that people actually believe he’s that guy—even though all of his “glamorous” content is created from the basement of his house.