#`dory

If someone told me that a pretty book store owner would be someone I wanted to dedicate my being to, I would've laughed at the thought. Seeing as up until a few months ago, relationships of any kind were something I feared-- something I avoided. Getting attached was not an option since once the truth was out, I would be alone again. But here we are... And I'm completely yours.

To be honest, I actually don't like saying you're mine... Because it makes me feel like you're an object, that you're not a person... Which is so far off the mark that it makes me laugh. You're you. You're Hyuna. You're the women I fell in love with. And you're not someone I can claim. Even though I'll admit that I'm possessive-- since every single fibre of my being detests thinking about you with someone else, that you're enjoying time with another person that isn't me... But I love hearing you say that I'm yours. Because I am. Everything about me is yours. 

It's scary... to trust someone with everything: who I am, what I am, my feelings-- everything. It makes me feel like I was stripped naked and shoved in front of a crowd with only one person protecting me from the eyes of hungry vultures, wanting to peck at my insecurities and flaws. To put so much trust in you-- it scares me, it really does. ---- And don't even think about those dumb shadow person jokes......... 

I've never felt this way before and that's probably why is scares me. And worries me, that this is all just a game and I'll fall with no one to rely on. It terrifies me. Even more so than my father. At least with my father, I could heal from the wounds. But how does one heal from a wound that isn't physical? It's impossible and I don't know if I could recover from it... Even if I do, I'd feel like I'd lost a big part of me.

So please. Even if you decide that one day I'm not the one you want to love... Please don't leave me. Even if one day we're not a couple anymore, please don't stop being my friend. I know I shouldn't be talking about bad things in a post like this, but I just-- I needed a place to put my insecurities. And you're one of the people who understands me the most. If you stop loving me, that's fine. But please don't leave my life. I-- Oh my God, I don't mean to guilt trip you. I just don't know how I would handle a life without you in it.

I'm sorry, let's... talk about better things. 

Every moment I spend with you, I count myself so entirely lucky. Because how did I end up with someone so perfect? You're so understanding... you truly are. You accepted me despite the things I've put you through. You've stayed with me after my father hurt you and I put you through something that was probably a living nightmare to you. After all, no one wants to see someone with a giant gash on their neck, bleeding out entirely-- but not... dead, right...?

Despite that. You've stayed with me through my tantrums and you accept everything about me-- at least everything... I've told you. I don't know how you'll react if you knew everything... But I know that even if you knew, you wouldn't leave me. Because who I am in the past and who I am now are two different people. And I would never return to those days...

You keep telling me that you'll love me no matter what... so is it okay if I cling to those words of yours? Is it okay for me to hold those words close to my heart and believe them? Is it okay for me to resort to those words on my worst of days and to boost me on my best? Because those words, whether you knew it or not, are the words I've been wanting to hear since I found how what I was.

Being a monster -- being a fucking shadow person -- has ruined my life. So many times I have wished that I was completely human-- that you didn't have to go through that. That my father wasn't an abusive monster who loved to abuse anyone and everyone. Seeing his hands around your neck, suffocating you-- I-- (/Heaves and takes a deep breath.)

Seeing... you like that-- I wanted to kill him. I wanted to do more than kill him. I wanted-- I-- I wanted---- Fuck! I don't even know what I wanted! But never again do I want him-- or anyone else of my kind-- near you like that... I-- I don't know what would happen if anyone did that to you. I can't believe I let I happen the first time. I was so stupid-- I should've known....

... I said I would talk about better things but then-- (/Sighs.) --Thinking about you.... gives me so many emotions that I didn't even know I had some of them-- like jealousy. It was such a foreign emotion but from the books I've read, I knew what it was right away.

I don't even know where I'm going with this, to be honest... I just-- I love you so much that it's unbelievable how much I do. I have my flaws and my insecurities... but at the end of the day, I smile knowing that I'm yours and that you love me. And it's the best feeling in the world.