#[ backdated ]

Blaine: This is quickly becoming far more than just a hacking situation.

PM: I ain’t a picky guy, my friend. I’m just tagging along so I can see my brother. I don’t really care. I ain’t even really all that hungry, to tell the truth. Thanks for inviting me along, I guess. Used to be, back in the day it was the Curtis family inviting everyone else to tag along. Now I’m the tag along.

December 31st, 2018 to January 1st, 2019

New Year’s has never been a particularly important day within Hyunjin’s small family. Traditional, and focused on Korean holidays, the fanfare most associated with the turning of the calendar from one year to the next was minor in comparison to the intricate customs surrounding Chuseok or Seollal. Even so, they did get together for New Year’s, watching the clock tick away the final seconds separating two different years.

On New Year’s Eve, Hyunjin arrives home earlier than usual, having rushed to catch the earliest train home after training. His mother greets him with her familiar warm smile, palms of her hands pressing to his cheeks in a soft affectionate greeting. They pull away as Hyunjin shuts the front door behind him, his mother signing, ‘Have you eaten yet?’ She’s terribly perceptive, and even though there’s only an hour until midnight, he hasn’t eaten yet. Shaking his head in response, Hyunjin is met with a shooing motion as she directs him to take a shower while she fixes him something to eat.

The warm water feels nice on his back, but he emerges from the restroom barely fifteen minutes later, seeking to maximise the precious time he had with his parents. Hyunjin finds his father first, giving him a short bow in greeting and smiling to himself when his father simply reaches out and fondly ruffles his hair, the boy clearly pleased with the gesture. A soft clattering of dishes leads him to the kitchen, the boy cramming himself into the small space behind his mother and wrapping his arms around her from behind as she cooks; a free hand signing to communicate.

‘Are you cooking for me? You didn’t need to’. He says this, but his hand is already reaching down to snatch a bite from one of the side dishes she had brought out from the fridge. Promptly slapping Hyunjin’s hand away as he goes in for a second bite, she guards the food from any further pilfering. ‘Don’t eat the food with your hands, it’s bad manners’. From behind her, Hyunjin gives a theatrical sigh, big enough that even if she can’t hear it, she’s fully aware of it. ‘Dramatic,’ she signs.

Mere minutes later and they’re all gathered at the dining table, Hyunjin’s father seated at the head, with Hyunjin and his mother by either side of the man. It’s been quite a while since Hyunjin had his mother’s cooking and she states just as much, barely letting the boy get a single bite before she’s signing, ‘Jinnie, it’s my duty as your mother to make sure you eat properly. Mommy understands that you’re busy, and that there simply isn’t a convenient time for me to cook for you, but I’d appreciate it if I could at least be sure that you’re eating well when I’m not cooking for you’.

Worry knits her expression together, and Hyunjin puts down his chopsticks to reach across the table, one hand taking his mother’s, apologetic. The last thing he wanted to do was make his parents worry. If anything, he wanted to alleviate their worries and troubles, not add to them. They don’t need words nor signs for Hyunjin to convey his message, and the topic ties itself together neatly in a comfortable silence as Hyunjin finishes the rest of his meal.

February, 2018.

Maybe it was motivated by some rare act of ‘teenage defiance’ - at least that’s what he had heard grown-ups call it. A foolish decision that would inevitably lead a young and impressionable teenager like himself down a path of regret and wrongdoings. Such strong words against two tiny holes in his earlobes, and for what purpose? In the end, it was nothing but empty concern for a potential that they saw not in Hyunjin himself, but the concept of him. An initially underachieving child rising up in the ranks of society through the hard work of the Korean education system? The miracle story of a century ought not to be tarnished by something so small as earrings.

The shiny little pieces of metal always caught Hyunjin’s attention. Even on the busiest of days he could be convinced to stop by a display of earrings while leaving the subway, admiring how they glimmered against the light. They were just so pretty. Delicate eye-catching pieces that would never quite leave his mind, absolutely captivating. He’d bend down to look into the display’s mirror, push back loose strands of hair and hold up the earrings against his face in an attempt to visualise if they would look pretty on him too.

His second year ends on a cold winter day and he celebrates by going straight to cram school, shoulders stiffening with every extra hour spent hunched over a desk solving problem sets over and over. It’s stifling. One hour after the next and another day one weekend away. Under the table, his leg bounces, foot tapping, anxious to leave his seat. One problem after the other and oh he should’ve gotten that one right. (He redoes the problem five times over until he’s sure he won’t make the same mistake again). The teacher calls him out, telling him to stop fidgeting. In his seat, Hyunjin stiffens, ceases the movement and for a moment it feels like he’s suffocating in the room of students.

Another day finished and Hyunjin’s slumped against a wall, bag heavy as it weighs him down. His breathing is laboured for no apparent reason, sweat wetting his forehead when he hasn’t even physically exerted himself. Inside, his mind is a mess of jumbled thoughts and it’s so noisy he can barely even keep it together. Gripped tight to his schoolbag, he doesn’t even realise his hands are shaking. Hyunjin’s eyes dart about, watching, making sure no one is watching because he’s just so- something shiny catches his eye. Something shiny, bright, glittering, and oh so pretty catches his eye and his body is moving toward it before he can really even process what he’s doing. What he’s about to do.

A hasty handful of cash gets shoved in the direction of the seller, and Hyunjin mumbles out a half-formed thought of, “Piercings… please”. There’s more questions but Hyunjin can’t process it in the middle of the noise in his head. It’s shifted from his academics to the earrings, repeating over and over about how pretty they are, transfixed on a single thought.

So he gets his ears pierced on the streets of Seoul. It’s nearing midnight and there’s no one there to witness the noise in Hyunjin’s head finally disappearing as he stares at himself in the mirror the seller gives him. The earrings are nothing like the long, dangling ones he had seen in the displays, but they’re just as shiny; just as pretty.

(Simply touching them helps to quiet the thoughts in his head, Hyunjin isn’t sure if this is normal).

↦ Unsteady by X Ambassadors Dance Performance [w/ closed captions]

Mama, come here Approach, appear Daddy, I'm alone 'Cause this house don't feel like home If you love me, don't let go If you love me, don't let go Hold Hold on Hold on to me 'Cause I'm a little unsteady A little unsteady Hold on 

“It’s been a while since I’ve uploaded something hasn’t it?” Hyunjin stands in front of the camera, the awkward student replaced by a dancer experienced with performing in front of cameras (in front of a live audience too). Smoothly, his hands sign as he speaks, captions scrolling across the bottom of the screen, “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately”. One of those things happened to be whether or not he should sign that contract he was offered - but he doesn’t say that. Shaking his head, he pulls a smile back onto his lips, addressing the topic he had originally intended to speak about, “Today I’d like to share with you a routine I’ve composed myself focused around the song Unsteady by X Ambassadors. 

“I’ve had several people reach out to me after having watched me on the most recent season of the MGAs. They’ve asked if I could give them some advice - and although I’m still a high school student and my advice may end up being immature, today I’d like to offer you a bit of my immature advice.

“There are many times in our lives when we’ll feel unsteady or unsure of what path we’re taking. This song is about reaching out during those times and seeking out support. I wanted to share this song especially with those who are struggling in life right now. Whether it be upcoming examinations, or workplace strife, or any of the other multitude of possibilities, I’d like if you used this message as a signal to find help if you need it.

“I myself am still working on seeking out help from others when I’m in need. It’s a scary thing to do; but an important skill to learn. Sometimes it may not seem like it, but there are a lot of people cheering you on”. Starting to move into position, Hyunjin kneels on the floor, maintaining eye contact as he sinks down, “I’m one of those people. I may have not met you, but I’m cheering you on. Just as so many of you have done for me”.

Ducking his head down and bending forward, the music begins.

Tired? Psh, man, like, who would turn their nose up at photos of these fantastic digs? You were right on point about goin’ everywhere yet not seein’ much’a anything when it comes t’ our tours but these vistas I’ll won’t soon forget.

Gaaah, the glass panels in the floor! Gotta love that I had t’ walk over that t’ leave n’ return t’ the bungalow, heh. Gave our quarters hella character, however, n’ while the vibe cast an eerie glow at night, that was still rad.

Hahaha… the coconut trees! Didn’t I tell ya about the fall–… heh, yeah, ya knew. But that’s a dope pic nonetheless. Same as the snap from the street. An’ thank goodness t’ didn’t get bopped in the head by a divin’, wayward coconut.

Well, y’know how it is sometimes. Folks get to talkin’ about their vacation or whatnot, and after a while you just go into ‘smile and nod’ mode. Don’t wanna irritate people from gushin’ too much;if I could, you best believe that I’d go on and on about this honeymoon.

Haha, thought you might’ve liked that part. Gotta be honest, I half expected to see you tryin’ to hop over ‘em when comin’ or leavin’ -- I almost did that the first couple times, ‘cause... lookin’ through is fine, but steppin’ on it was a li’l on the sketchy side. It was a great addition, though.