#;inst

“the first question they ask is ‘what did you think of last week’s results?’ which i guess is a good place to start.” strangely enough, he hasn’t really thought of how to answer this, and he laughs about that too. “i didn’t actually think of how to answer these yet, so this is...a real live experience,” and then he falls quiet for a while as he thinks. “i think i’m still figuring out the answer to that question, honestly. i still don’t really know what to think.” he probably shouldn’t be as honest as he is, and he doesn’t know what’s appropriate to say on a public platform. there are no votes to be won or lost-- nothing to be edited for national television; this is just for people that care enough about him, positively or negatively, to come to his personal social media and hear him out. “they didn’t air this, but i said in my interview a week ago that if there were individual rankings, suwoong would’ve won,” and he grins. “i picked royal as winning too, and mentioned suwoong and heejin as reasons why, so i’m glad i was at least right about who got contracts,” but he wasn’t right about much else. how much detail does he go into, about how much he agonized over what he could’ve done differently that night-- how much he still did?

the silence must be telling, so he begins with what’s easy: “i really liked trc’s performance in the semi-finals, and minho hyung always brings quality to anything he does, so i wasn’t surprised they won. they deserved it, honestly, but...” but what? but if it was sphere’s team, they all would’ve gotten contracts? maybe he and woojin could’ve stayed together? maybe not. maybe it was just god’s plan that they be torn apart from the start. maybe it was inevitable. “i wish it could’ve been us, of course,” and he laughs-- looks down at his hands --a little empty. “i’m happy for them, and sakura, sia, and yeji,” and that much is definitely all true. he gives a nod of affirmation. “everyone, really, but those most of all.” he doesn’t mention kenta and woojin, because everybody already knows how he feels about their success-- his happiness can be inferred --but also because he knows he’s not entirely happy. by now, he knows there will always be a part of him that finds it a little regrettable. “there were 15 winners last year, and i feel like making it ten instead of 15 with the wide pool of talent we had was...” his voice trails off, and he grimaces a little. “it’s mnet, right?”

he looks at the comments, and there are lots of mentions of kenta and woojin, and what he said on twitter, but there’s not much more to say than he already has on twitter, unless they just want to hear him talk about it out loud. he doesn’t have much strength for that. he sees a few comments along the lines of is empty enigma disbanding? but he doesn’t have the strength to answer those questions yet either, so instead, he moves on.

“they’ll usually ask us a question about what it was like to work with our groups, and i’ll say that there really wasn’t anything that went on behind the scenes that wasn’t aired. everything went as well as it looked,” and this part isn’t really that interesting. “jinwook hyung is the best. coach jinki and hojung were really good too, but jinwook helped me a lot personally, and i’m really grateful to him.” there’s something else he remembers now, and he scowls, comically. “that mashup we performed, fiesta? they edited it like it was jinwook’s, and he did the most work, but we made that together. did you guess?” there’s a mix of i knew and what? and you did? and as expected in the comments, and he laughs a little. he sees one comment saying please make more mashups in the future, and daniel chooses to acknowledge it: “i’ll make more mashups! i think blending existing instrumentals is really difficult, but maybe if i recreate the instrumentals myself? i know guitar and bass, but i’m good with a drum machine now, and sungwoon hyung taught me some keyboard that i’ve expanded on. either way, i think it’ll be fun, and it’s not like i have anything better to do, so,” he laughs, nervously this time.

there are some comments asking how sungwoon is, and daniel isn’t really sure what to say about that. “how is sungwoon? he’s probably watching,” he laughs, even though he doesn’t know if it’s true or not. it might be too painful for him to hear him talk about it, and if not that, he’s busy, finding new ways to run from their problems as he always does. (daniel can’t blame him this time; he also goes to great lengths to avoid confrontation, including being confronted with the truth and their uncertain and likely bleak future.) “sungwoon hyung if you’re watching please say hi,” he laughs, and then shakes his head.

“i’m kidding, i think he’s busy. he’s okay though. we’re okay,” it feels like a lie, even if it’s not. they’re hanging on by a thread, but they are hanging on, regardless, even if okay seems generous. “it’s difficult, but--” he clasps his hands together, and he still doesn’t want to talk about it. he stares through his desk for a moment, trying to find words he can speak out loud, but he hasn’t been able to all week. he doubts they’ll come now, in front of a camera, broadcasted directly to his fans, if not empty enigma’s fans, so he decides to quickly move on once again.

“then they’ll ask us what we thought about our performance, and i’ve thought about it a lot, and i still like our performances,” and he smiles, close-lipped. “i think, maybe, we could’ve performed better to rank higher. i could’ve danced better and rapped better too, and i think maybe if i had, we would’ve done better than we did, but in the end...i’m glad we went out the way we did. it was fun, and something i was proud of before the results, and i think that’s what matters.” that’s all i can ask for, he almost said, but he can ask for more. he’s still asking for more. he looks at the comments again, and sees many claiming their performances were the best. “you guys are just biased,” he laughs. “‘so? so is mnet,’” he reads one of the comments aloud, and he laughs heartily, and afterwards, says, “no comment,” cheekily. 

“what else is there, uhhh...” he feels exposed suddenly, rolling through this instagram live thus far without too much over-thinking, but it settles in now and brings new nerves with it. “i can’t think, sorry,” he admits with more nervous laughter. “ah, they asked what our favorite performance and part of the season was, and my favorite performance i did were the two mashups i did this season; i think it’s a tie. the one with hyojin-ah and then fiesta that you saw on saturday,” he nods. in come many comments about hyojin deserving better, requesting another collab, and daniel grins. “i’ll contact him! i want to collab again with him too. we actually collabed before mgas too, did you know? actually, it was during technically-- when i was learning to rap for skills week. he was doing a street performance and needed a rapper, and there i was, so...it was good practice!”

it’s a perfect segway into his next answer. “my favorite part of the season was skills week, i think. it was fun seeing everyone in their element, and i also had a lot of fun performing my original rap, even if it wasn’t very good,” and many argue with him in the replies, claiming otherwise. there are a few that do agree with him, and tell him to stop rapping, but he sees at least one person quote his and i’ll still get more screentime than your faves line back in return, and he just kind of observes, wide-eyed, never really expecting this amount of attention despite rapping about it. “it was also nice to have all of empty enigma in the competition for that, and for all of us to sit together and hype each other up. it was amazing hearing the results for that too, and that all of us made it another round into the competition together.”

this brings on many questions about the band he should’ve expected, and it’s what he gets for mentioning empty enigma. one catches his eye: did you really join the show just to promote the band? and now that the show is over, he feels like he can answer this a little more truthfully, though still, not really; he picked up enough fans thanks to the show, and he’s sure many are here out of pity for him not receiving a contract, thinking he really wanted one. “we didn’t join the show just to promote our album,” he says, and he isn’t sure whether that was a lie or not. “but it was a bonus, right? it was an extra push some of the members needed, but the mgas last year taught me how important music really was to me, and i thought everyone else might be able to learn something important from this season too, plus everything i said on twitter. in the end, i’m really grateful i got to have this experience with them.”

he regrets it a little too, though. if he just let kenta and woojin stay home, they wouldn’t be in this mess. maybe they all should’ve stayed home, then he and sungwoon wouldn’t have embarrassed themselves on national tv, even more so than the former season. “but stream between fear and faith on melon,” he jokes, with laughter and a smile that lingers on his face. yes, it’s a joke, of course. he sees some questions about what empty enigma is in the comments, but there are plenty of people that point them in the right direction, thankfully.

in come more of the is empty enigma going to disband? questions, so daniel takes this as the perfect excuse to change subject, and do something he intended from the start. “aside from the interview part! i wanted to play you guys a new song.” he leaves his phone where it is and crosses his bedroom to grab his guitar from across the room, then take a seat in his chair with it. he scoots back so he has plenty of room, and so his guitar is a little better in the shot. “are you excited to see my guitar again?” he teases, and the chat gives him mixed signals-- some yes’s, some zzz emojis, both of which he can understand.

he strums, and tunes, and already feels more comfortable with the guitar in his hands, as is usually the case. “this is a song i wrote really recently-- i finished it this week, actually, so this is the premiere. this song is a little special, because all of my past songs, i wrote for squ-- sungwoon,” he has to correct himself, even though saying sungwoon in this situation doesn’t seem right either, because it is squall he’s been writing for. “for sungwoon to sing in empty enigma, even never lose your flames, but this one i just wrote for me,” and of course this prompts more questions about disbandment that he doesn’t want to answer, so he starts to play.

i wish i was more self aware maybe i'd take my own advice maybe i could make a wish without taking a risk of maybe not being right

the first part is straightforward enough-- daniel’s hypocrisy, daniel’s cowardice.

but i'm the same kid, same mission same confidence condition most of the time i just close my eyes and throw and go my decisions and that's okay that's okay sometimes

it’s a reference to his first season of the mgas, and being the same person as then, even though he felt so different, and the same mission: shine the light on his friends, never seeking any real recognition for himself, and it highlights his lack of confidence more than anything. it’s his condition. either he thinks too much or not at all, hesitates and refrains and when he finally makes a decision it’s almost an impulse-- throw and go, a reference to a gig performed without a soundcheck, made without enough preparation, but in it all is reassurance. he has such a tendency to panic that he needs it, but he wrote it for anyone else needing to hear it, too. 

i keep pushing further 'cause i know when i am here it all gets better even if it's been a year it don't stay down forever even when i'm lying here i won't lay down forever i won't lay down forever

he wrote the first few lines of the chorus during the mgas-- pushing further, believing the mgas and their stage made him and his life better, and maybe that hasn’t changed. even if it’s been a year was a reference to last season, and meant to be uplifting-- a promise that things were looking up after he lost then, but it has a different meaning now following the results. he still didn’t change the lyrics, because he liked what they meant now. it’s been a year and he still has nothing to show for it, and for now, he’s lying down, but he won’t forever. he’ll pick himself up and dust himself off...soon.

what do you know about real pain? do i really deserve anything? i never run the ship i just circle around it and pretend that i'm getting in

they’re some of the last lyrics he wrote-- about the hurt that came with acknowledging the potential of a life without empty enigma, and the feelings that came with his lack of contract offer, and thoughts of if he even deserved empty enigma, and that was why he was losing it. another reference to him being indecisive, and his tendency to never take charge and kid himself and pretend, and a reference to that pirate theme of their finale mga performance. as much as it seemed like he was in charge-- as much is it might’ve felt like it, he was never really in control of that. he doesn’t even know if he believed he was in control, or if it was just another grand ruse of his.

but i'm a hard case to break in i'm preaching day-out and day-in most of the time i don't even find the words that i keep sayin' and that's okay

this time: a reference to his faith, as is always necessary in his songs, and how much he talked during the mgas, and how differently it was always received, and how little he recognized himself and how much he spoke-- how much he regretted some of the things he said. nothing he ever says feels quite right, though, always too much or too little, but that’s just him. that’s okay.

he sings the chorus again, repetition of lines always relevant, the ones that might hit closest to home-- the ones that need to be said over and over so he remembers and convinces himself of it. it’s the main reason why he wrote this song: to force himself to believe it, and heave himself out of the rut he was so in danger of staying in forever. 

the guitar chords are simple and equally repetitive, and change a little going into the bridge.

don't be so hard on yourself i say to myself lying in the dark don't be so hard on yourself i say to myself, lying don't be so hard on yourself i say to myself lying in the dark don't be so hard on yourself i say to myself

it’s a melody he’s fond of, especially the end, where he gets to put a twist on it. this part repeats too, another mantra to remember, and that lying could be a lying in the dark cut short, or just the word lying, and he means it both ways. god knows he’s lied about a lot, even when he claims he’s not being hard on himself. 

the guitar slows down for the final chorus, and he already has intentions of a second guitar to accompany the main line of this one, if he gets a chance to record this song properly. he ends with a few i won’t lay down forever’s and his guitar sees him out, and he stays there for a moment, staring down at his frets before he looks back up to the camera, and he smiles.

what he’s met with is compliments on the song, and several seemingly copied and pasted comments of IS EMPTY ENIGMA DISBANDING? and it’s hard to avoid this time. his silence would be answer enough if he didn’t say anything. “empty enigma’s future is uncertain,” he says at last. people ask if kenta and woojin are accepting their contracts too, and daniel doesn’t touch on that; it’s not his to say, and he’s also hoping they won’t, and that he’ll have a better answer to this question by next week. “if any of us become trainees, we can no longer promote with the band, so i hope you can understand us needing time to figure it out.”

that’s a diplomatic enough answer, and he really does hope people understand. this is a good time to bring up one of the most important things to him at the present, though: “regardless, we’re having a show tomorrow, and tickets are still available. i don’t know if it’ll be our last show or not, but i’ll perform like it is and put my whole heart into it. it’s a really important show no matter what, since it’s our first show after the mgas! come out and see us if you want. it’ll be fun, and i’ll hang out for a while after at the merch table. squall probably will too,” and he smiles, eyes turning into crescents, and it isn’t as painful as he expected, even though he knows, deep down, kenta will accept his contract. he told them as much, so at the very least, they will be an empty enigma without kenta, and he doesn’t know if that’s an empty enigma worth being at all.